Christmas Eve will make it eight months from the day Cacey and I said our big goodbye. I feel like the past eight months have flown by so quickly that I haven't really been able to process what my life has been like since we said our final good bye. I have experienced more mixed emotions in the past couple of months, than I have in all previous relationships/heartaches combined. I'm not upset about it. I feel like its been good for me. Cacey is a big part of the woman that I am today. His girls will be forever imprinted on my heart. My love for him, will always be held on a level that I can't explain.
He was my "first" for a lot of things. He was my first honest relationship. He was the first person to make ME put MYSELF first. He was the first person to tell me that creating art should be done because you feel passionate about it, not to make money. He was the first person that I had a family with, even though his kids weren't "technically" my own.
I loved Cacey. I loved him as he was because he loved me as I was when we found each other. I didn't have to hide pieces of my past in fear that he wouldn't understand. He allowed me to be honest with him from the beginning, and I think that is why we were able to communicate so openly. Amongst all of the things he was my "first" for, he was the first one to hurt just as much as I did when we realized that is wasn't going to work.
Walking away from our life on Easter Sunday was heart wrenching. The levels of sadness and anger I felt, were unimaginable up until that point in my life. Trying to process the "whys" and "hows" didn't get me anywhere. I was sad because I wasn't ready to let go... Even tho deep down, I knew it was time. I was upset because I didn't understand how you could just fall out of love with someone.... I still don't understand it, but I am no longer trying to understand it.
Someone once told me that "there is only one kind of love and if you can't love someone enough to spend the rest of your life with them, then you never truly loved them at all".... I feel sorry for that person and anyone else who is narrow minded enough to believe the same. I feel they are pessimistic towards love because they are too afraid of opening up their heart enough for it to be broken.
Love is the one thing that changes the way you see the world. When in love, the world has a certain glow about it. Colors are vibrant and beautiful, everything seems perfect. When you lose love, those colors become dull and blend together. It isn't until you search for love that the world slowly brightens, but this time the colors are different. When there is no love, everything seems black and white.
Love to me, is like creating a masterpiece. For each time you find love, fall out of love or search for love.. a work of art is created. Some people choose to live in the future and forget about the past, which only allows them one canvas to paint their masterpiece on. For me its different. I use a different canvas for each phase of my life. If it were on a single canvas, you wouldn't be able to see the layers of who I am or what I have felt throughout my life. The way I see it is that in the end, I'll still have my masterpiece...Just all canvases strategically placed to create one ultimate piece of art.
I would rather be passionate and daring enough to risk getting my heart broken multiple times. could never be narrow minded enough to believe the world is painted in black and white. My past is filled with canvases painted in bright colors and also in dull shades of blues and grays.The canvas I am painting now is filled with warm blues and greens. Shades of blues to represent the emotions in which consume me from time to time.. and greens to represent new growth in finding love within.
My masterpiece may seem like too much for some people. It may be too scattered and messy, but to me its beautiful.... It's my beautiful mess.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Thursday, December 1, 2011
reversed repulsion
They say that people walk in and out of your life for a reason, and in most cases.. those that walk out aren't worth letting back in. How does one decide if that is truly the case?
I am a firm believer in following the heart. It doesn't mean that it always puts me on the path that is right for me in the long run.. But how do we truly know if those paths that "feel right" at that moment... won't one day lead us to the path that is ultimately right for us? And even more... How do we truly know what is right for us?.... Doubts fill heads of even those who seem to have the "perfect life" or the "perfect relationship" every once in a while.
The last couple of weeks have been somewhat refreshing for me. Someone from my past whom I had ill feelings towards contacted me. As soon as I saw the name, my heart sunk into my stomach and my eyes welled with tears. I hadn't spoken to this person in over two years, and I hadn't thought anything positive about this person in longer than that. In talking with them, they apologized for all of the negative things said and done to me. They told me that I was a big part of their life and thanked me for all I had done.... I was at a loss for words because in conversations prior to this one, something was said to me that left a whole in my heart. Needless to say, I had been carrying that conversation with me for over two years, and it had been weighing me down for no one to see, just for me to feel.
As I read the apology, my stomach turned. I wasn't sure how to take it. I mean, obviously we didn't have the best track record. Nonetheless, I told this person that their apology meant a lot to me, especially considering what was said to me the last time we spoke.... They didn't remember saying those things, but apologized to me anyways and told me that none of it was true and that they were sorry for hurting me. I honestly thought my bitter taste for them would never go away, but I am proud to say that I no longer feel that stinging hatred towards this individual.
It's interesting how much time and maturity can heal a person. I don't think that either one of us are the same people that we were just a few years ago. I don't know if I would have been able to truly let go of that anger, had I not experienced "life" as it was after they closed the chapter of "our life".
I can't say what my future holds, or if this person will be a significant part of my life... All I know is that in talking to them, I was able to let go of a part of me and a past that I didn't know how to release myself from.
... People walk in and out of our lives for a reason.... The experiences we share with them help mold who we become..... And how they effect us in the present, determine whether or not they make it to our future. How far they make it exactly, is yet to be determined.
Uncertainty of what fills my future will always be in the back of my mind. But right now, in the present... I can confidently say that I am happy with life. I am happy with me.
I am a firm believer in following the heart. It doesn't mean that it always puts me on the path that is right for me in the long run.. But how do we truly know if those paths that "feel right" at that moment... won't one day lead us to the path that is ultimately right for us? And even more... How do we truly know what is right for us?.... Doubts fill heads of even those who seem to have the "perfect life" or the "perfect relationship" every once in a while.
The last couple of weeks have been somewhat refreshing for me. Someone from my past whom I had ill feelings towards contacted me. As soon as I saw the name, my heart sunk into my stomach and my eyes welled with tears. I hadn't spoken to this person in over two years, and I hadn't thought anything positive about this person in longer than that. In talking with them, they apologized for all of the negative things said and done to me. They told me that I was a big part of their life and thanked me for all I had done.... I was at a loss for words because in conversations prior to this one, something was said to me that left a whole in my heart. Needless to say, I had been carrying that conversation with me for over two years, and it had been weighing me down for no one to see, just for me to feel.
As I read the apology, my stomach turned. I wasn't sure how to take it. I mean, obviously we didn't have the best track record. Nonetheless, I told this person that their apology meant a lot to me, especially considering what was said to me the last time we spoke.... They didn't remember saying those things, but apologized to me anyways and told me that none of it was true and that they were sorry for hurting me. I honestly thought my bitter taste for them would never go away, but I am proud to say that I no longer feel that stinging hatred towards this individual.
It's interesting how much time and maturity can heal a person. I don't think that either one of us are the same people that we were just a few years ago. I don't know if I would have been able to truly let go of that anger, had I not experienced "life" as it was after they closed the chapter of "our life".
I can't say what my future holds, or if this person will be a significant part of my life... All I know is that in talking to them, I was able to let go of a part of me and a past that I didn't know how to release myself from.
... People walk in and out of our lives for a reason.... The experiences we share with them help mold who we become..... And how they effect us in the present, determine whether or not they make it to our future. How far they make it exactly, is yet to be determined.
Uncertainty of what fills my future will always be in the back of my mind. But right now, in the present... I can confidently say that I am happy with life. I am happy with me.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Someone Like You
"Someone Like You"
I heard that you settled down
That you found a girl and you're married now.
I heard that your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you.
Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light.
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.
Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,"
Yeah.
You know how the time flies
Only yesterday was the time of our lives
We were born and raised
In a summer haze
Bound by the surprise of our glory days
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.
Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."
Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?
Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."
Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."
Every time I hear the song "Someone Like You" by Adele, I tear up and/or get the cold chills. I love her voice and her attitude. I think she is a great artist. I have always thought she has done a great job at putting her emotion into her music. I think that is why I love her so much. I have heard this song a lot. But it wasn't until this morning that I truly "listened" to the words. As soon as I got to a computer I started doing some research on her album "21" which is the album that this song is from. She said this album is about the story of her first real "grown up" relationship.... The first relationship where nothing happened, or no one cheated on the other. It ended simply because they fell out of love with one another. She goes on to say that sometimes that hurts more because there is nothing you can do about it and how she felt like a failure because of it.
"Nothing compares, No worries or cares, Regrets and Mistakes, They are memories made. Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?" ........ I love that line because it truly hits home with me. No matter how much I try to be angry or try to find reasoning for why things have to be the way they are...There IS no explanation as to how you can just fall out of love with someone. Love is the one thing that is supposed to come to you naturally. It's the one feeling you put into all things dear to you. There is no greater pain than feeling like you have failed at love, to me anyways.
But life will always move forward and things will always change so all we can really do it trudge through the troubles. I'm sure I will face greater pain in my life (not that I want to) ... but for now, I'm still in the process of learning from this pain.
........... At this point, the greatest thing I have learned in life is that you can not truly appreciate life and love until you have lost the one thing you felt made you who you are.... I appreciate those things in a whole different light now.
.
I heard that you settled down
That you found a girl and you're married now.
I heard that your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you.
Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light.
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.
Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,"
Yeah.
You know how the time flies
Only yesterday was the time of our lives
We were born and raised
In a summer haze
Bound by the surprise of our glory days
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.
Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."
Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?
Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."
Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."
Every time I hear the song "Someone Like You" by Adele, I tear up and/or get the cold chills. I love her voice and her attitude. I think she is a great artist. I have always thought she has done a great job at putting her emotion into her music. I think that is why I love her so much. I have heard this song a lot. But it wasn't until this morning that I truly "listened" to the words. As soon as I got to a computer I started doing some research on her album "21" which is the album that this song is from. She said this album is about the story of her first real "grown up" relationship.... The first relationship where nothing happened, or no one cheated on the other. It ended simply because they fell out of love with one another. She goes on to say that sometimes that hurts more because there is nothing you can do about it and how she felt like a failure because of it.
"Nothing compares, No worries or cares, Regrets and Mistakes, They are memories made. Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?" ........ I love that line because it truly hits home with me. No matter how much I try to be angry or try to find reasoning for why things have to be the way they are...There IS no explanation as to how you can just fall out of love with someone. Love is the one thing that is supposed to come to you naturally. It's the one feeling you put into all things dear to you. There is no greater pain than feeling like you have failed at love, to me anyways.
But life will always move forward and things will always change so all we can really do it trudge through the troubles. I'm sure I will face greater pain in my life (not that I want to) ... but for now, I'm still in the process of learning from this pain.
........... At this point, the greatest thing I have learned in life is that you can not truly appreciate life and love until you have lost the one thing you felt made you who you are.... I appreciate those things in a whole different light now.
.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Five Year Plan......
Five year plan... Five years ago my five year plan would have gone something like this:
1. Go to school and get a nursing degree
2. Find a guy that I would like to settle down with.
3. Become engaged within 2 yrs.
4. Married in a year after that.
5. Live in a house with my perfect husband.
................ Five years later from that...... I can tell you exactly how wrong that plan was......................
I RECENTLY started taking college classes at the local community college thanks to my employer, who I should mention has NOTHING to do with healthcare. (That dream was shattered shortly after I realized how crappy benefits were working for the company that I was). Although I do miss my job description and the people that I cared for, I don't think I would ever want to be a nurse. I mostly enjoyed the comforting side of being a C.N.A. and Med Tech anyways. I developed alot of great relationships and life skills from it.
As far as finding a guy went... Ha.. I have to laugh at that because I found three great guys and thought I was going to marry at least two of them... For sure one. But that came almost three years into the five year plan. Two of the three were great guys! Treated me well and we got along... All three of the guys came from wonderful families that I miss dearly. But none of them ended up being the happy ending to my five year plan. Wasted years? I would say no. I learned a lot from each relationship and that is really what matters most.
Sure I don't have a degree in anything, or more than just a couple credits under my belt. Sure I don't have prince charming to come home to everynight or a home to call my own... But honestly, what the hell is a five year plan anyways? At this point in my life, it's bogus. I have found that searching and striving too hard for what you "want" gets you further from it. At least in the love department. For me anyways. I'm not even sure there IS a perfect guy out there. Other than my dad of course. And I can say that with all honesty because well, my dad's amazing. It's going to take someone pretty special to fully fill his shoes for me...... It's funny how when you are young, you are attracted to someone completely opposite of your fathter... But the older and WISER you get, you want to settle down with someone who has all of your father's best qualities... I know.... *sigh* I'm getting older.
While talking with a friend the other day we were discussing future relationships. He asked me what I felt that I was looking for. I told him that I didn't know, that right now I was focusing on myself as an individual. I told him that I know that love will come for me one day, in time. And with the right person. And I truly believe that. I am blessed and cursed to have such a nuetral mind and "flow". It makes it hard to really know what I want right now. But I figure that as long as I am self improving on who I am and becoming a happier better me, then all else (love included) will fall into place when the time is right.
So what's my five year plan now you ask?
1. Love truly all those who are good in my life
2. Smile Daily
3. Continue enducation
4. Travel
5. Self improve
Afterall one of my favorite sayings has always been "You can not love someone fully, until you learn to love yourself first." The time is now to learn about myself and love who I am. To make changes in my everyday life to become a better/happier me. Because I know in doing so, I will get my happy ending. No more searching, good things will happen on their own. It's time to live and let live!
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Saving Graces
My girls. My forever friends. In being single and having numerous amounts of time to myself I have found myself having girls nights with Chelsea and Amanda quite often and I couldn't be happier about it. Especially since Amanda lives a little more than an hour away from Chelsea and I.
We have been making trips out to her house at least once a month for the past couple of months. It's nice out there. I tell people it's like a mini vacation for me. It's so quiet and peaceful in the country side. It's nice to get off the freeway and out of the city and roll your windows down and smell the country. Landscapes of green grass and corn fields surround her home in a town where the number of horses and cows double or triple the number of people.
We always end up making plans to "actually do something", but usually we end up just chit chatting and having a few drinks while enjoying the clean air and clear skies. Chelsea usually falls asleep in the recliner around 9-10 and Amanda and I stay up into the wee hours of the morning having some type of deep discussion.
I love going out there because it's always a stress free environment. I told Amanda last time I was out there that I feel like I need to go there at least once a month just to stay sane. :) Who knows if that is true, but at least I have an extra excuse to keep going out there!
Either way, our small group of three has had our ups and downs and our falling outs at different points in our lives. But those I believe are what have made us to be such great friends. We have been through a lot together. We have all strayed from our paths of life that go side by side.. But Our lives mismatching and being so different from one another is what makes it interesting. Because we can be ourselves and follow our heart and desires, but then meet up and mesh so well.
We have the type of friendship that lasts forever. They will always be my two friends that I consider to be my greatest. I love that our lives intertwined together in some weird way when we were younger than 10 yrs old, and yet today we still remain the greatest of friends. Every time we are together a memory filled with smiles and laughter is made. And that, is what I cherish most about what we have together. I love the fact that I don't know what my future holds. But that I can ALWAYS count on these two girls to be my rock and make me laugh until my guts hurt no matter what trials I face in life.
These girls and my family, are my saving grace!
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
For the better, for the worse.
Life is crazy, like a whirl wind of never ending chaos. But in the midst of all the chaos, there is so much good. Those things are what reassures me that things really will be OK.
Living at home is now "what I know". I may not be there a whole lot, but I enjoy seeing my family when I'm there. My sister had her twins on July 21st and I love them individually so much. My heart has now been split into three. Kayson, is so calm and gentle hearted. He smiles all the time, and he just has this sweet nature about him. Jayden is a little ball of fire :) and knows how to work the system already to get what she wants. We call her the drama queen :). And of course, there is Jaxon. He is still my little buddy. He is getting so big so fast. He talks all the time, and he is still so full of life. I love watching him get older. But as I look at the babies, I get sad because it makes me realize how fast time passes by. I remember last summer how little Jax was and it makes me realize how short life really is.
I've been spending a lot of my time with girlfriends, which I feel is good for me. I have been in relationships for most of the past six years. I forgot what it was like to be single. The girls are some of greatest friends I could ever ask for and I have become extremely close to them. They are honest, genuine, and have great energy. They may be a little wild and swear like sailors.. But they have proven in just a few short months to be people that I want in my life forever.
I still think about Cacey, and all the things I miss about our life. I still love him in a way that I have no one else, and I think I always will love him differently. I miss the girls, and Tank. I miss his smile, his long curled eye lashes and the way his neck smelled when I hugged him. I miss being with him in the beginning when we were crazy about each other. But I am beginning to come to the realization that this is just the way it's going to be. I can't say forever, because I don't think anyone ever knows that. But for now, for a while... It's for good.
I've learned in the past three months that it's OK to cry. It's OK to show how I really feel inside. I have been told many times that I am the happiest person that most know and that my happiness radiates. It feels good to hear that, but at the same time; it's not how I feel in side a lot of the time. But I have learned that surrounding myself with people who make me forget the pain that I feel for things, is what radiates that energy. It's a good reminder that I have a lot more good in my life than I think. So in honor of all the good things I have in my life at the moment, here are some memories that warm my heart.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Daddy's Nicki
I started taking an English 1010 class at the community college. I really enjoy it because I love writing. It's a good escape for all that is going on in my world .... Our first paper was a "reflections paper". The paper had to tell a story of something or someone that can reflect why you are who you are... My teacher read the paper and she said it was "beautifully written because it's heart-breaking and honest". She also told me that she loves my dad :)... I guess you can be the judge of why she would say that.
Any ways, I figured I would share my paper with all of you because it shows a glimpse of what my life inside my head has been like for the past couple of months.... Things are tough, but are getting easier. All I can say is that I have a wonderful family <3
Daddy's Nicki
Everything that I had known for the past two years had just shattered into a million pieces. These walls filled with memories that I had created this house that I made a home with nick-knacks and keeps sakes, was no longer mine. This furry pig dog with the wrinkled face that was always dripping with slobber would no longer snore and hog half of my bed. And these girls, the olive skinned ball of fire and the green eyed toe head that could have passed as my own, would no longer be a part of my weekly ritual. This home and this family that I loved, was no longer mine.
With one last glance from his tear filled cobalt eyes, he walked away from our life. He couldn’t handle watching me remove the proof of my existence from the space that we called ours. And in that moment, a slight breeze of fresh cut grass wisped through what was once my bedroom window only to make me realize that I was broken.
I sat there sobbing uncontrollably, listening to my thoughts screaming in my head. Is this really the end? How could it be? What do I do now? Where do I go? How can two people who aren’t angry at each other just walk away from their life together? I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t want to explain how my life crumbled before me unexpectedly at 4:30 in the morning on Easter Sunday because not even I could process it.
I don’t even remember picking up the phone and dialing the numbers, but as soon as I heard my dad’s voice, I felt like a breath of fresh air had just been forced down my throat. He could hear me struggling to find the right wording as I battled my lungs for air. “Are you ok? What do you need me to do kiddo?” he said in a sympathetic tone. “I need you to clear a space in the spare bedroom closet. I’m coming home.’’
“You will have a place to put your things when you get here. If you need me to come get you, I will.” He reassured me. I told him I would be there in a few hours and that I loved him. I didn’t want him to see me in this state. I didn’t want him to see me remove myself from this closet and these shelves in the sloth like manner I was moving in, in order to keep me away from this home that I was not ready to leave even though it was no longer mine.
After two hours and what seemed like 137 trips to my car of just clothes, I hugged my pig dog one last time and told him I would come see him soon. I took one last look at the home I created and the dog with a face that only its mother could love and quietly shut the door behind me. I wouldn’t be coming back this time, not as my home anyway.
As I passed church after church filled with families dressed in their Sunday best, I couldn’t help but wonder how we were going to explain this to the girls. How do you explain to a five and eleven year old that “It just isn’t working”? How do you make them understand that you still love them and not feel awful for being the second “mother” to leave their home? I felt like a failure knowing that the one thing I had been most afraid of coming into this relationship, was about to come crashing down on me harder than anything else I had ever experienced. I was breaking up with three instead of one.
I would no longer get to do their hair pretty, or read them bedtime stories. I would no longer get to watch “girly movies” or get those hugs where they “spider monkey” themselves around you, after you have just caught them in mid air, just to tell you that they loved you. I would no longer get to add pictures to “the shrine” I had created for them in on my walls at work. I was no longer “daddy’s Nicki”. I was now just simply, Nicki.
As I creeped my jeep into the driveway, I could see the questions bulging from my mother’s mouth as she stood at the garage door landing. She could sense her puffy eyed, emotionally drained baby wanted nothing more than the assurance that everything would be ok. I get that from my mom, the wanting to fix everything nature. I am most like her. But that day, I needed the one person who loved his girls most. I needed my dad.
As I hugged my dad he said nothing. He just rubbed my back as he has ever since I was a little girl. I love that most about him I think. His calm nature makes it easy to know that he cares without even saying a word. Even in times when I have disappointed him most, he hardly says anything. He waits for you to come to him; I wish I were more like him in that way.
I dreaded moving my life into the room that was once my sister’s. I felt sick to my stomach because I was doing the one thing that I feared most. I was leaving the one person and the loves of his life because somehow, we were no longer the loves of each other’s life.
Arm load after arm load my mother, my sister five months pregnant with twins, and myself piled my clothes on the bed that had become foreign to me. In the midst of worrying about where I am going to put everything I hear my dad say from the kitchen, “Hell, I’m going to have to build you a storage room just to fit all your damn shoes.” I reply quickly with “No, that is what the garage shelves are for! And if you think this is bad, wait until you see all of the crafting projects I have accumulated over the past year!”
I reflect back to that memory, knowing now what my dad was trying to get across to me without even realizing he was doing it. My family will always be there for me and as I get older, I realize more and more how much I really need my parents. I love my mother for always wanting to make sure that I am ok. I love that I get the “Let’s fix it!” nature from her. And I love knowing that even when he doesn’t say anything; my dad shows me that he cares. In this case, love is clearing a space in your workshop to make room for your daughters crafting projects.
Any ways, I figured I would share my paper with all of you because it shows a glimpse of what my life inside my head has been like for the past couple of months.... Things are tough, but are getting easier. All I can say is that I have a wonderful family <3
Daddy's Nicki
Everything that I had known for the past two years had just shattered into a million pieces. These walls filled with memories that I had created this house that I made a home with nick-knacks and keeps sakes, was no longer mine. This furry pig dog with the wrinkled face that was always dripping with slobber would no longer snore and hog half of my bed. And these girls, the olive skinned ball of fire and the green eyed toe head that could have passed as my own, would no longer be a part of my weekly ritual. This home and this family that I loved, was no longer mine.
With one last glance from his tear filled cobalt eyes, he walked away from our life. He couldn’t handle watching me remove the proof of my existence from the space that we called ours. And in that moment, a slight breeze of fresh cut grass wisped through what was once my bedroom window only to make me realize that I was broken.
I sat there sobbing uncontrollably, listening to my thoughts screaming in my head. Is this really the end? How could it be? What do I do now? Where do I go? How can two people who aren’t angry at each other just walk away from their life together? I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t want to explain how my life crumbled before me unexpectedly at 4:30 in the morning on Easter Sunday because not even I could process it.
I don’t even remember picking up the phone and dialing the numbers, but as soon as I heard my dad’s voice, I felt like a breath of fresh air had just been forced down my throat. He could hear me struggling to find the right wording as I battled my lungs for air. “Are you ok? What do you need me to do kiddo?” he said in a sympathetic tone. “I need you to clear a space in the spare bedroom closet. I’m coming home.’’
“You will have a place to put your things when you get here. If you need me to come get you, I will.” He reassured me. I told him I would be there in a few hours and that I loved him. I didn’t want him to see me in this state. I didn’t want him to see me remove myself from this closet and these shelves in the sloth like manner I was moving in, in order to keep me away from this home that I was not ready to leave even though it was no longer mine.
After two hours and what seemed like 137 trips to my car of just clothes, I hugged my pig dog one last time and told him I would come see him soon. I took one last look at the home I created and the dog with a face that only its mother could love and quietly shut the door behind me. I wouldn’t be coming back this time, not as my home anyway.
As I passed church after church filled with families dressed in their Sunday best, I couldn’t help but wonder how we were going to explain this to the girls. How do you explain to a five and eleven year old that “It just isn’t working”? How do you make them understand that you still love them and not feel awful for being the second “mother” to leave their home? I felt like a failure knowing that the one thing I had been most afraid of coming into this relationship, was about to come crashing down on me harder than anything else I had ever experienced. I was breaking up with three instead of one.
I would no longer get to do their hair pretty, or read them bedtime stories. I would no longer get to watch “girly movies” or get those hugs where they “spider monkey” themselves around you, after you have just caught them in mid air, just to tell you that they loved you. I would no longer get to add pictures to “the shrine” I had created for them in on my walls at work. I was no longer “daddy’s Nicki”. I was now just simply, Nicki.
As I creeped my jeep into the driveway, I could see the questions bulging from my mother’s mouth as she stood at the garage door landing. She could sense her puffy eyed, emotionally drained baby wanted nothing more than the assurance that everything would be ok. I get that from my mom, the wanting to fix everything nature. I am most like her. But that day, I needed the one person who loved his girls most. I needed my dad.
As I hugged my dad he said nothing. He just rubbed my back as he has ever since I was a little girl. I love that most about him I think. His calm nature makes it easy to know that he cares without even saying a word. Even in times when I have disappointed him most, he hardly says anything. He waits for you to come to him; I wish I were more like him in that way.
I dreaded moving my life into the room that was once my sister’s. I felt sick to my stomach because I was doing the one thing that I feared most. I was leaving the one person and the loves of his life because somehow, we were no longer the loves of each other’s life.
Arm load after arm load my mother, my sister five months pregnant with twins, and myself piled my clothes on the bed that had become foreign to me. In the midst of worrying about where I am going to put everything I hear my dad say from the kitchen, “Hell, I’m going to have to build you a storage room just to fit all your damn shoes.” I reply quickly with “No, that is what the garage shelves are for! And if you think this is bad, wait until you see all of the crafting projects I have accumulated over the past year!”
I reflect back to that memory, knowing now what my dad was trying to get across to me without even realizing he was doing it. My family will always be there for me and as I get older, I realize more and more how much I really need my parents. I love my mother for always wanting to make sure that I am ok. I love that I get the “Let’s fix it!” nature from her. And I love knowing that even when he doesn’t say anything; my dad shows me that he cares. In this case, love is clearing a space in your workshop to make room for your daughters crafting projects.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Already 2? My how time Flew!!!!!!!!!!
June 4th will mark the birthday of the most important person in my life.
Jaxon is the only man in my life that has my whole heart! He makes me melt! I love him more than anything and I would go above and beyond all limits to do whatever I can for him. The day that he was born, my life changed completely and I suddenly knew what it felt like to want to be a better person for someone else... Loving my nephew, is the greatest feeling in the world.
I have been blessed enough over the past two years to have the opportunity to spend most Fridays with him.. And tho sometimes they are... Challenging :) to say the least.. and he gives me a run for my money, I cherish those days. It's crazy the kind of light a child can bring into your life. His curiosity and innocence make me smile on a daily basis.
It's been a bitter sweet thing watching him get older. Bitter because he has grown so much in the past two years and I feel like I should still be walking around the back yard with him exploring everything that nature has to offer in Riverton Utah lol.. Or singing lullaby's to him before he falls asleep in my arms...
Sweet because he is so smart and so full of life. He is so amazed at the littlest things, and he truly is... Hell on Wheels! :) I say that in a good way! He just loves EVERYONE and EVERYTHING! The day I took the pictures above he was trying to hug every little kid that was eye level with him.. Not to mention running wild throughout the entire dinosaur museum! And even tho, I wanted to lay down and sleep just after two hours of tending him that day, I would do it over and over again :)
I could literally go on for days about how much I love my nephew. I kick myself for ever thinking how strange life would be when I became an aunt. Because I really feel like my life sort of just began when the day that he was born and my out look on life changed. And now that my sister is pregnant with twins (due in August)... I am in for a whole other adventure! :) But I can't wait!
I want kids one day... But for now.. I think I will just stick to the ones I can spoil and give back lol
Dub-uh Jax! Thank you for making me a better person and showing me what it is like to love someone wholeheartedly. Thank you for being the light of my life and for loving me unconditionally. Thank you for making my day just by saying "Hi Nit-nee" or "Dub-uh" (which means I love you) .... You mean the world to me!
Happy 2nd Birthday! I look forward to the future birthdays and all the twists and turns that life will bring!
Love,
Nit-nee
Jaxon is the only man in my life that has my whole heart! He makes me melt! I love him more than anything and I would go above and beyond all limits to do whatever I can for him. The day that he was born, my life changed completely and I suddenly knew what it felt like to want to be a better person for someone else... Loving my nephew, is the greatest feeling in the world.
I have been blessed enough over the past two years to have the opportunity to spend most Fridays with him.. And tho sometimes they are... Challenging :) to say the least.. and he gives me a run for my money, I cherish those days. It's crazy the kind of light a child can bring into your life. His curiosity and innocence make me smile on a daily basis.
It's been a bitter sweet thing watching him get older. Bitter because he has grown so much in the past two years and I feel like I should still be walking around the back yard with him exploring everything that nature has to offer in Riverton Utah lol.. Or singing lullaby's to him before he falls asleep in my arms...
Sweet because he is so smart and so full of life. He is so amazed at the littlest things, and he truly is... Hell on Wheels! :) I say that in a good way! He just loves EVERYONE and EVERYTHING! The day I took the pictures above he was trying to hug every little kid that was eye level with him.. Not to mention running wild throughout the entire dinosaur museum! And even tho, I wanted to lay down and sleep just after two hours of tending him that day, I would do it over and over again :)
I could literally go on for days about how much I love my nephew. I kick myself for ever thinking how strange life would be when I became an aunt. Because I really feel like my life sort of just began when the day that he was born and my out look on life changed. And now that my sister is pregnant with twins (due in August)... I am in for a whole other adventure! :) But I can't wait!
I want kids one day... But for now.. I think I will just stick to the ones I can spoil and give back lol
Dub-uh Jax! Thank you for making me a better person and showing me what it is like to love someone wholeheartedly. Thank you for being the light of my life and for loving me unconditionally. Thank you for making my day just by saying "Hi Nit-nee" or "Dub-uh" (which means I love you) .... You mean the world to me!
Happy 2nd Birthday! I look forward to the future birthdays and all the twists and turns that life will bring!
Love,
Nit-nee
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
I know it's not the best picture, but I wanted to post a picture of my recent craft project.
I have wanted old barn windows for a long time now and while shopping on KSL classifieds I found a guy who had A TON of them for sale. And the best part was, he lived 3 minutes away from me :)
I picked up two of them and I am in love with them. I have some things envisioned for them. The one that is hanging in my room will have some things added to it. I wish I could take a better picture to show the detail of it. All I did to it was vacuum it up a little, put some matte finish on it and eventually modge podge the front. I had to used modge podge because the paint on the window is peeling off. That is the look I was going for, so I decided to leave it as natural as I could rather than repaint it to look old.
Then with the help of my dad I got it hung :) I know it's big, but it makes me smile! My mom thought I was crazy when I told her I was going to hang a barn window above my bed, but now she thinks it looks good.
I made the pillow on my bed too. It doesn't really go with my decor... But then again, I just moved home a week and a half ago so hopefully I can create my pictured "escape" :)
That's all for now, but I will keep posting pics of projects as they come!
I have wanted old barn windows for a long time now and while shopping on KSL classifieds I found a guy who had A TON of them for sale. And the best part was, he lived 3 minutes away from me :)
I picked up two of them and I am in love with them. I have some things envisioned for them. The one that is hanging in my room will have some things added to it. I wish I could take a better picture to show the detail of it. All I did to it was vacuum it up a little, put some matte finish on it and eventually modge podge the front. I had to used modge podge because the paint on the window is peeling off. That is the look I was going for, so I decided to leave it as natural as I could rather than repaint it to look old.
Then with the help of my dad I got it hung :) I know it's big, but it makes me smile! My mom thought I was crazy when I told her I was going to hang a barn window above my bed, but now she thinks it looks good.
I made the pillow on my bed too. It doesn't really go with my decor... But then again, I just moved home a week and a half ago so hopefully I can create my pictured "escape" :)
That's all for now, but I will keep posting pics of projects as they come!
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
.....................
Change: Something that I am usually fond of. But not if it is a life altering change. Easter Sunday my boyfriend and I decided to go our separate ways. It makes me sad because we care about one another deeply, and want the best for us. But, we need to focus on ourselves for a while.
People try and tell me that I will get over it, or maybe that it wasn't meant to be.. But I don't think you can feel what I am going through until you have been in my situation. If you haven't dated someone older, who has kids and built a life with that person than you wouldn't know how this feels. It's been hard to walk away from the life we had made together.. It's hard to walk away from the flowers that I planted to make our home more inviting and beautiful, and the projects that were part of the dream of the home I smiled about frequently because they were part of who I am and part of what I had always envisioned. That house was the one place I felt at home. I fell in love with his kids, and OUR dog Tank :). And he is the man that I love on a level I have never loved another person.
How do you walk away from that and be ok with leaving it all behind? I don't understand it.... I have been on quite the roller coaster trying to place myself in where I am in life right now. It's been hard moving back home and adjusting to things. It doesn't feel normal. But it's comforting to have my family around. It's comforting to be around my easy going and quiet dad, because right now I don't want to talk. He is the one person that doesn't offer an opinion on what I need to do.
I love Cacey, and tho we are taking time to figure ourselves out apart from one another, I value what we have. I value who he is and the relationship that we have built. We aren't angry at each other, just sad that it has to be this way, and that we both hurt.
Who knows, maybe we aren't right for each other... But that is something that only he and I can decide. I know that if what we developed wasn't real, it wouldn't have hurt like it did to decide to take this step. Regardless of what happens in the future, I will always hold a place in my heart filled with only good thoughts about him.
And at the end of the road if we don't end up together, I know I have friendship that will last a lifetime.
People try and tell me that I will get over it, or maybe that it wasn't meant to be.. But I don't think you can feel what I am going through until you have been in my situation. If you haven't dated someone older, who has kids and built a life with that person than you wouldn't know how this feels. It's been hard to walk away from the life we had made together.. It's hard to walk away from the flowers that I planted to make our home more inviting and beautiful, and the projects that were part of the dream of the home I smiled about frequently because they were part of who I am and part of what I had always envisioned. That house was the one place I felt at home. I fell in love with his kids, and OUR dog Tank :). And he is the man that I love on a level I have never loved another person.
How do you walk away from that and be ok with leaving it all behind? I don't understand it.... I have been on quite the roller coaster trying to place myself in where I am in life right now. It's been hard moving back home and adjusting to things. It doesn't feel normal. But it's comforting to have my family around. It's comforting to be around my easy going and quiet dad, because right now I don't want to talk. He is the one person that doesn't offer an opinion on what I need to do.
I love Cacey, and tho we are taking time to figure ourselves out apart from one another, I value what we have. I value who he is and the relationship that we have built. We aren't angry at each other, just sad that it has to be this way, and that we both hurt.
Who knows, maybe we aren't right for each other... But that is something that only he and I can decide. I know that if what we developed wasn't real, it wouldn't have hurt like it did to decide to take this step. Regardless of what happens in the future, I will always hold a place in my heart filled with only good thoughts about him.
And at the end of the road if we don't end up together, I know I have friendship that will last a lifetime.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Day 29.. A picture that always makes me smile
LOL That is a picture of my nephew on my birthday. This was around the time that he discovered his tongue. But I just love it because he was just kicked back in the high chair with his arms flopped to the side and his tongue hanging out. He just looks so relaxed.
Day 28... Something I am afraid of
My fears over the past year have changed course quite often.... My biggest fear at the moment is that I will never truly find myself.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Day 27... My self and a family member
My big sister and I the day after my life changed forever. I love being an aunt more than anything
Day 26... Something that means a lot to me.
My relationship with Cacey is something that means a lot to me. He is one of the most warm hearted, easy going, and honest people you will ever meet. He is, and always will be considered one of the most influential people of my life. The love I have for him is one different than I have had for anyone and I know that no matter what happens in the future, he will always be apart of who I am, and of my life.
dAY 25... A picture of my day
I have decided not to post a picture of my day to day life because honestly, it's just not that exciting. So instead I will post a picture of what I would consider a perfect day at this point in my life.
I would love to take a drive through a rainy forest right now. Just to listen to myself think as the rain hits the windshield.
I would love to take a drive through a rainy forest right now. Just to listen to myself think as the rain hits the windshield.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Day 24... Something I wish I could change.
My motivation to work out! I have no motivation right now.. Other than doing Zumba!!!!!!
Day 23... My favorite book
I know... I am jumping on the band wagon. But right now, this is my favorite book.
Day 21... Something I wish I could forget
While working as a C.N.A. I saw far too many people lose memories of their lives both good and bad. And on their good days, you could see a glimpse of those "forgotten moments" dance in their eyes. And on the bad days, My heart ached every day that their sad empty eyes wandered aimlessly searching for some kind of familiarity.
I guess most people would expect me to say that I wish I could forget the death of someone close to me, or a broken heart.. Or maybe even something awful that happened to me when I was younger. But I don't. I think memories are part of what makes us who we are so I don't know if I would want to forget anything, even the bad.
I do however, wish it were easier for me to forgive.
I guess most people would expect me to say that I wish I could forget the death of someone close to me, or a broken heart.. Or maybe even something awful that happened to me when I was younger. But I don't. I think memories are part of what makes us who we are so I don't know if I would want to forget anything, even the bad.
I do however, wish it were easier for me to forgive.
Day 20... Somewhere I would love to travel
Greece!!!!! Same location of where they shot Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 1 & 2 ! One day I will go!
Day 18... My biggest insecurity
My weight... It doesn't matter how thin I have gotten in the past, or how thin I strive to be in the future.. My weight and body will always be my biggest insecurity.
Day 17... A pic of something that has made a huge impact on my life
Turning down an art scholarship to Dixie State is still to this day, one of the things I have mixed feelings about. I used to say that I have no regrets... But the older that I get, the more I question that very statement.
At the time in my life the opportunity was presented to me, I didn't think that I would have gone there for the right reasons. I was afraid that partying and other activities might steal my attention away from what was truly important. That was a rough time in my life... But now that I look at my life, I should have given education a shot. I miss art being a part of my every day life.
I have been happy with the way things in my life have gone. But it makes me curious to see if some things from my past would have still ended up the way they did, regardless of where I was.... I guess I will never know... That decision not to go to school, impacted my life more than I thought it ever would.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Day 16.. A picture of someone who inspires me
President Gordon B. Hinkley
Gordon B. Hinkley is a big inspiration to me because it didn't matter who he came in contact with, he was humble. I used to love watching conference if he was talking. He was a wonderful man, and I truly believe that many people could learn a lot from him, just by the person that he was.
I remember hearing an interview Gordon B Hinkley where he was asked about the LDS faith and what would happen in the final days if this church turned out not being the true church. He said that if that were to happen, then he would be wrong and left it at that.... That has always stuck with me because it shows that he was true to what he believed, but didn't try to over-press his faith. I admire that. I feel like our world is so caught up in pressing our belief systems on others instead of inviting them to share our beliefs but loving them even if they don't. I would like to live in a world like that...
Gordon B. Hinkley is a big inspiration to me because it didn't matter who he came in contact with, he was humble. I used to love watching conference if he was talking. He was a wonderful man, and I truly believe that many people could learn a lot from him, just by the person that he was.
I remember hearing an interview Gordon B Hinkley where he was asked about the LDS faith and what would happen in the final days if this church turned out not being the true church. He said that if that were to happen, then he would be wrong and left it at that.... That has always stuck with me because it shows that he was true to what he believed, but didn't try to over-press his faith. I admire that. I feel like our world is so caught up in pressing our belief systems on others instead of inviting them to share our beliefs but loving them even if they don't. I would like to live in a world like that...
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Day 15... Something I want to do before I die
Travel the world. I have a list of places that I want to see before I die. I know that is not very original, but it's unlikely that we get to see all the places that we desire before our final days. At this point in my life I would love to see the following places, in no specific order:
1. Switzerland
2. Holland
3. Scotland
4. Ireland
5. Italy
6. Greece (the old part of Greece)
7. Belize
8. Costa Rica
9. Canada
10. Brazil
That is just a few of the places I want to go.
1. Switzerland
2. Holland
3. Scotland
4. Ireland
5. Italy
6. Greece (the old part of Greece)
7. Belize
8. Costa Rica
9. Canada
10. Brazil
That is just a few of the places I want to go.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Day 14.. a picture of someone I couldn't imagine life without
The day that my nephew was born was life changing for me. He instantly became the most important thing in my life. He gave me a reason to be a better person. And he made me realize that the kind of love you can have for a child is the most rewarding of all. I love him so much. And he is always going to love me back no matter what. So I guess he is the person that I couldn't imagine my life with out because no matter what, I will always have that connection to him. He changed me forever.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Day 13... A picture of my favorite band or artist
This post is extremely hard for me because I have so many bands/artists that I love. I basically have a favorite per genre... I know, lame. But today, I would have to say that I love Norah Jones most. Every time I listen to her, I am in such a good mood. I love her voice and her music.... And I LOVE the song "Come Away with Me"
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Day 12... Something I love
One thing I love is sunsets. To break it down into categories of the types would be ... summer sunsets, winter sunsets, stormy sunsets, and sunsets on water. But sunsets at Flaming Gorge would be my favorite of all.
Day 11... Something I hate
I hate.... HaTe... HATE... everything about public bathrooms. I don't care how clean they are, I hate everything about them. I hate touching the handles, dispensers, toilet seats... I just hate everything about them. UGH... They totally gross me out to the point where I turn the faucet on with my wrist and then get pissed because my wrist now has germs and fecal matter on them from the faucet handle... I know it's weird, but think about it. It makes sense! lol
Day 10.... The person I do the most crazy things with
:) Oh gosh... Chester... My best friend of 14 yrs now is definitely the one person that I can count on for a crazy time. Many of my favorite memories have been made with her. She is the one person who I can be my self around. She is one of the best parts of my life and I truly cherish her friendship.
Day 9 .... A person who has gotten me through the most
My parents are my foundation. They have helped me out so much in my life and I will never be able to tell them how much I truly love and appreciate them. It's amazing how as you get older you realize that your parents really do know what they are talking about. I don't know where I would be today if I didn't have them here to pick me up when I have fallen down.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Day 8, a picture of something that makes you laugh
Road trippin' up the Oregon Coast with my BFF's we stopped at the Blue Heron Cheese Factory. While our friend Brock was inside wine tasting, my friend Chelsea and I decided to wander around the petting zoo that was outside. We stumbled upon this Llama that I named Lily.
The reason this picture makes me laugh is because when I took it, my best friend was having a conversation with it. I know.. you had to be there.. But it still makes me laugh!
The reason this picture makes me laugh is because when I took it, my best friend was having a conversation with it. I know.. you had to be there.. But it still makes me laugh!
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Monday, March 7, 2011
Days 3, 4, 5 & 6 ... I know I am slackin'
Ok so it was almost impossible for me to be able to do this over the weekend. But, I promise to get better at this!
Day three would have been Friday and the topic is a picture of the cast of my favorite T.V. show. I seriously have so many t.v. shows that I LOVE! But the one that makes me laugh every time I watch it would have to be.....
I seriously LOVE Cougartown so much! I think it is absolutely hilarious! I could watch it for days on end and never get sick of it!
Day four is picture of my favorite night. So I decided to post a picture of the place where I have had most of my favorite nights.
Flaming Gorge is the one place that completely calms me. I love it more than anywhere in the world. It's my paradise.
Day five is a picture of something that I miss.
Summer time thunderstorms at Flaming Gorge. This is one of the reasons I love Flaming Gorge so much.
And for day six, someone I would like to trade places with.
I decided that I wouldn't want to trade places with a celebrity because even if they were to go somewhere beautiful, they would still be followed and be in the public eye. So if I could trade places with someone for a day, I would trade places with another couple who is on an expensive vacation in Belize. I think that would be so romantic. <3 *sigh*
So there you have it! Check back tomorrow!
Day three would have been Friday and the topic is a picture of the cast of my favorite T.V. show. I seriously have so many t.v. shows that I LOVE! But the one that makes me laugh every time I watch it would have to be.....
I seriously LOVE Cougartown so much! I think it is absolutely hilarious! I could watch it for days on end and never get sick of it!
Day four is picture of my favorite night. So I decided to post a picture of the place where I have had most of my favorite nights.
Flaming Gorge is the one place that completely calms me. I love it more than anywhere in the world. It's my paradise.
Day five is a picture of something that I miss.
Summer time thunderstorms at Flaming Gorge. This is one of the reasons I love Flaming Gorge so much.
And for day six, someone I would like to trade places with.
I decided that I wouldn't want to trade places with a celebrity because even if they were to go somewhere beautiful, they would still be followed and be in the public eye. So if I could trade places with someone for a day, I would trade places with another couple who is on an expensive vacation in Belize. I think that would be so romantic. <3 *sigh*
So there you have it! Check back tomorrow!
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Day 02 of the Challenge!
There has been many people that I have been close to through out my life. My cousin Britty was always with me as a child. But with miles between us, we drifted into our own directions. But some of my best memories were spent with her. Clayton, my first crush and my best friend clear back from Kindergarten. Clayton and I still remain friends to this day. And no matter what our history with one another and the roads we have taken together will always mean a lot to me. And something cool about him is that he married a sweet heart with my same birthday :)
But, the person that I have been the closest too for the most consistent amount of time would have to be the one and only Chester! She has been my best friend since I was 8 yrs old. And tho we have fallen apart during our younger years, she still to this day remains one of my dearest friends. She is a fire cracker, and we are opposites.. But she knows me outside and in better than anyone.
But, the person that I have been the closest too for the most consistent amount of time would have to be the one and only Chester! She has been my best friend since I was 8 yrs old. And tho we have fallen apart during our younger years, she still to this day remains one of my dearest friends. She is a fire cracker, and we are opposites.. But she knows me outside and in better than anyone.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
10 Facts about me
Day 1 of the challenge
10 Facts about myself
1- I LOVE Mushrooms :) I could NEVER get sick of them! I would put them in almost anything! (Except for candy or desserts) !
2- Rain is my favorite smell.
3- I cry in almost every movie that I watch. I think it's because I empathize with the characters. I put my self in that situation and imagine how I would feel. Weird I know, but I do it with t.v. shows too. What can I say.. I am really emotional? :)
4- My nephew is the most important person in my life! The day he was born, my life changed forever!
5- I feel most at home in places that look lived and eclectic. My dream interior of a home would be country cottage with a romantic edge to it... Lace, candles, mixed with rusted metal, wood elements, and soft quilts with warm and neutral colors. And accents of Turquoise, mustard yellow, and red throughout the house....
6- I want to travel the world
7- I believe that there are different levels of love. You just give more of your heart to some than others.
8- My eyes are olive green. But when I cry, they turn to a lighter shade of green.
9- I read my horoscope religiously and I look to my dreams at night for answers to my waking life.
10- My ideal place to live would be somewhere in the North Eastern part of the United States in the Country side. I have it pictures in my head perfectly. And I wonder if it is like it looks in the movies....
10 Facts about myself
1- I LOVE Mushrooms :) I could NEVER get sick of them! I would put them in almost anything! (Except for candy or desserts) !
2- Rain is my favorite smell.
3- I cry in almost every movie that I watch. I think it's because I empathize with the characters. I put my self in that situation and imagine how I would feel. Weird I know, but I do it with t.v. shows too. What can I say.. I am really emotional? :)
4- My nephew is the most important person in my life! The day he was born, my life changed forever!
5- I feel most at home in places that look lived and eclectic. My dream interior of a home would be country cottage with a romantic edge to it... Lace, candles, mixed with rusted metal, wood elements, and soft quilts with warm and neutral colors. And accents of Turquoise, mustard yellow, and red throughout the house....
6- I want to travel the world
7- I believe that there are different levels of love. You just give more of your heart to some than others.
8- My eyes are olive green. But when I cry, they turn to a lighter shade of green.
9- I read my horoscope religiously and I look to my dreams at night for answers to my waking life.
10- My ideal place to live would be somewhere in the North Eastern part of the United States in the Country side. I have it pictures in my head perfectly. And I wonder if it is like it looks in the movies....
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
31 day challenge!
Alright Peeps, I saw this on my friends face book and decided to do this on my blog. I have not been so great at updating it on a regular basis so maybe this will help me out. Well, for a month at least :)
For the next 31 days I will follow this "Line Up" ! So check back tomorrow! And if you think it's a great a idea too, feel free to tag along!
Day 01- ten facts about myself
Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest.
Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show
Day 04- A picture of your night.
Day 06- A picture of something you miss.
Day 06 - A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day
Day 07 - A picture of your most treasured item
Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh
Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most
Day 10 - A picture of the person you do the craziest things with
Day 11 - A picture of something you hate
Day 12 - A picture of something you love
Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist
Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without
Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die
Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you
Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently
Day 18 - A picture of your biggest insecurity
Day 19 - A picture and a letter
Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel
Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget
Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at
Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book
Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change
Day 25 - A picture of your day
Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you
Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member
Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of
Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile
Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss
Day 31 - A picture of yourself
For the next 31 days I will follow this "Line Up" ! So check back tomorrow! And if you think it's a great a idea too, feel free to tag along!
Day 01- ten facts about myself
Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest.
Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show
Day 04- A picture of your night.
Day 06- A picture of something you miss.
Day 06 - A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day
Day 07 - A picture of your most treasured item
Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh
Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most
Day 10 - A picture of the person you do the craziest things with
Day 11 - A picture of something you hate
Day 12 - A picture of something you love
Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist
Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without
Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die
Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you
Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently
Day 18 - A picture of your biggest insecurity
Day 19 - A picture and a letter
Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel
Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget
Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at
Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book
Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change
Day 25 - A picture of your day
Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you
Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member
Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of
Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile
Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss
Day 31 - A picture of yourself
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Projects Projects Projects!
I thought I would post some pictures of crafts projects I have done because of the inspiration of others.
The first project I tried were some cork boards that I bought from the D.I. I got the idea from a blog http://vintagerevivals.blogspot.com/2010/09/tin-foil-nightstand.html (If you go there and look around you will not be disappointed! I promise!) ... Anyways, I did a cork board for both Ariah and Rylee. It was my first time doing something like this so I was a little skeptical at first. But I was pleased with the out come!
I like how the cork board turned out to look like an old worn out chalk board. By
that I mean black with white blotchy spots. I used white Krylon Primer as the base coat and then once that dried I went over it with a coat of black krylon. For the push pins I found some colorful buttons and hot clued them on to the end to give the board a little bit of color. I think all together I only spent about $16. And that was only because I didn't have any supplies on hand, other than the puzzle glue and the tin foil.
Forgive me now that you can't see the details very well! It's hard to with the flash of the camera and BRIGHT PINK walls!
My next project was making pillows for the girls! I have never really sewn before and after looking at all the blogs with crafty sewing projects I decided to attempt it! So I borrowed my sisters sewing machine and went to town!
This one is Rylees! She is 10 and LOVES bright colors!
This one is Ariah's who is 5! She decided recently that she no longer loves pink. She now loves Black, Purple, Red, and Green... But hey I tried... I like this one because the flowers were a fun project to make!
My next project also came from the D.I. I bought a couple of picture frames there unsure of what I was going to do with them. But when I got done with the pillows and ran in to a little problem I came up with this next idea!
Cute right? :) Originally with the left over fabric from the pillows I was going to make them letter pillows for their bed. But after I had cut out the "R" pattern and sewed them almost together.. I realized that the letter was too skinny. There was no way I was going to be able to turn it in side out and stuff it... So when I got home, I looked through my craft supplies and got the bright idea to turn it into a dragon fly! :) I love it! (mainly because I love dragonflies) But I also love the contrast that the tinfoil/antiqued back gives it. I took out the glass and spray painted the frame whit to make it pop!
Ariah's took FOR.EV.ERRR!!!! I had stitch that beast! I cut out the wing details and hand stitched them on there! and before I sewed everything together, I added some material in the wings to make them pop out! So just like Rylee's, it is 3 dimensional as well! With that frame I did the tin foil back, but I spray painted it white. I think it turned out awesome and really makes the butterfly pop! The frame was just spray painted black and then I used sand paper to distress it.
The total cost for that project was $2 because I already had all the supplies except for the frames (Which I had gotten at the D.I.)
The last project I have been working on has been a group effort! I saw this idea on a blog a couple months ago and I instantly fell in love. I love love the look of it and the idea is so clever! The bottles that I did are for my friend, but I am going to do many more sets! I like the white bottles, they make the chalk board paint pop! So if you want to see what I am talking about, I am in love! http://ourlifeinaclick.blogspot.com/2010/11/getting-crafty-chalkboard-vases.html
Well everyone, I guess it's time for me to go now. I apologize if the links don't work.. I haven't really figured out how to make it so you can just click on it. If anyone does, I would appreciate some lessons! I hope everyone has a great day!
The first project I tried were some cork boards that I bought from the D.I. I got the idea from a blog http://vintagerevivals.blogspot.com/2010/09/tin-foil-nightstand.html (If you go there and look around you will not be disappointed! I promise!) ... Anyways, I did a cork board for both Ariah and Rylee. It was my first time doing something like this so I was a little skeptical at first. But I was pleased with the out come!
I like how the cork board turned out to look like an old worn out chalk board. By
that I mean black with white blotchy spots. I used white Krylon Primer as the base coat and then once that dried I went over it with a coat of black krylon. For the push pins I found some colorful buttons and hot clued them on to the end to give the board a little bit of color. I think all together I only spent about $16. And that was only because I didn't have any supplies on hand, other than the puzzle glue and the tin foil.
Forgive me now that you can't see the details very well! It's hard to with the flash of the camera and BRIGHT PINK walls!
My next project was making pillows for the girls! I have never really sewn before and after looking at all the blogs with crafty sewing projects I decided to attempt it! So I borrowed my sisters sewing machine and went to town!
This one is Rylees! She is 10 and LOVES bright colors!
This one is Ariah's who is 5! She decided recently that she no longer loves pink. She now loves Black, Purple, Red, and Green... But hey I tried... I like this one because the flowers were a fun project to make!
My next project also came from the D.I. I bought a couple of picture frames there unsure of what I was going to do with them. But when I got done with the pillows and ran in to a little problem I came up with this next idea!
Cute right? :) Originally with the left over fabric from the pillows I was going to make them letter pillows for their bed. But after I had cut out the "R" pattern and sewed them almost together.. I realized that the letter was too skinny. There was no way I was going to be able to turn it in side out and stuff it... So when I got home, I looked through my craft supplies and got the bright idea to turn it into a dragon fly! :) I love it! (mainly because I love dragonflies) But I also love the contrast that the tinfoil/antiqued back gives it. I took out the glass and spray painted the frame whit to make it pop!
Ariah's took FOR.EV.ERRR!!!! I had stitch that beast! I cut out the wing details and hand stitched them on there! and before I sewed everything together, I added some material in the wings to make them pop out! So just like Rylee's, it is 3 dimensional as well! With that frame I did the tin foil back, but I spray painted it white. I think it turned out awesome and really makes the butterfly pop! The frame was just spray painted black and then I used sand paper to distress it.
The total cost for that project was $2 because I already had all the supplies except for the frames (Which I had gotten at the D.I.)
The last project I have been working on has been a group effort! I saw this idea on a blog a couple months ago and I instantly fell in love. I love love the look of it and the idea is so clever! The bottles that I did are for my friend, but I am going to do many more sets! I like the white bottles, they make the chalk board paint pop! So if you want to see what I am talking about, I am in love! http://ourlifeinaclick.blogspot.com/2010/11/getting-crafty-chalkboard-vases.html
Well everyone, I guess it's time for me to go now. I apologize if the links don't work.. I haven't really figured out how to make it so you can just click on it. If anyone does, I would appreciate some lessons! I hope everyone has a great day!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Making things and making memories!
So I have been trying to upload some pictures of the crafts I have been doing lately.. but I got a new camera for Christmas (thanks to my lover :) ) and now I can't figure out how to upload them... The programs are different on my computer than they used to be! But I will post them soon!
I have been crafting allot! Reading blogs about crafts and projects has really been inspiring.. I have tried 4 new things! And I love them all! :)
Other than crafting my life has consisted of getting ready to go to Washington to see my best friend! :) Cacey bought me a plane ticket to see her for Christmas and I leave tomorrow afternoon! I can't even wait! I am so stinkin' excited! I miss her so much! We haven't seen each other since September and I have really been missing her! It will be nice to be our silly selves for a weekend! And it will be even better because I will actually get to see some REAL WASHINGTON WEATHER! It's supposed to rain the whole time I am there... And every time I have been there, it has never rained lol.. Kinda weird right?
Anyways, I hope everyone has a wonderful day!
xoxo- Nicki
This is one of my favorite pictures of us. It was taken on her birthday Sept. 4th of O9.. We drove up the Oregon coast on our way to Washington when she was moving there.
Playing cards outside in the "Crispin Cantina" (Her aunts patio)
Her birthday present from me. The dots on the wings represent how old the other was when we met.
The 3 Muskateers!
Best Friends Forever
I have been crafting allot! Reading blogs about crafts and projects has really been inspiring.. I have tried 4 new things! And I love them all! :)
Other than crafting my life has consisted of getting ready to go to Washington to see my best friend! :) Cacey bought me a plane ticket to see her for Christmas and I leave tomorrow afternoon! I can't even wait! I am so stinkin' excited! I miss her so much! We haven't seen each other since September and I have really been missing her! It will be nice to be our silly selves for a weekend! And it will be even better because I will actually get to see some REAL WASHINGTON WEATHER! It's supposed to rain the whole time I am there... And every time I have been there, it has never rained lol.. Kinda weird right?
Anyways, I hope everyone has a wonderful day!
xoxo- Nicki
This is one of my favorite pictures of us. It was taken on her birthday Sept. 4th of O9.. We drove up the Oregon coast on our way to Washington when she was moving there.
Playing cards outside in the "Crispin Cantina" (Her aunts patio)
Her birthday present from me. The dots on the wings represent how old the other was when we met.
The 3 Muskateers!
Best Friends Forever
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