For the better, for the worse.

Life is crazy, like a whirl wind of never ending chaos. But in the midst of all the chaos, there is so much good. Those things are what reassures me that things really will be OK.

Living at home is now "what I know". I may not be there a whole lot, but I enjoy seeing my family when I'm there. My sister had her twins on July 21st and I love them individually so much. My heart has now been split into three. Kayson, is so calm and gentle hearted. He smiles all the time, and he just has this sweet nature about him. Jayden is a little ball of fire :) and knows how to work the system already to get what she wants. We call her the drama queen :). And of course, there is Jaxon. He is still my little buddy. He is getting so big so fast. He talks all the time, and he is still so full of life. I love watching him get older. But as I look at the babies, I get sad because it makes me realize how fast time passes by. I remember last summer how little Jax was and it makes me realize how short life really is.

I've been spending a lot of my time with girlfriends, which I feel is good for me. I have been in relationships for most of the past six years. I forgot what it was like to be single. The girls are some of greatest friends I could ever ask for and I have become extremely close to them. They are honest, genuine, and have great energy. They may be a little wild and swear like sailors.. But they have proven in just a few short months to be people that I want in my life forever.

I still think about Cacey, and all the things I miss about our life. I still love him in a way that I have no one else, and I think I always will love him differently. I miss the girls, and Tank. I miss his smile, his long curled eye lashes and the way his neck smelled when I hugged him. I miss being with him in the beginning when we were crazy about each other. But I am beginning to come to the realization that this is just the way it's going to be. I can't say forever, because I don't think anyone ever knows that. But for now, for a while... It's for good.

I've learned in the past three months that it's OK to cry. It's OK to show how I really feel inside. I have been told many times that I am the happiest person that most know and that my happiness radiates. It feels good to hear that, but at the same time; it's not how I feel in side a lot of the time. But I have learned that surrounding myself with people who make me forget the pain that I feel for things, is what radiates that energy. It's a good reminder that I have a lot more good in my life than I think. So in honor of all the good things I have in my life at the moment, here are some memories that warm my heart.