Soulshine and sunshine

So today is absolutely beautiful! The sun is shining and the air is warmer than is has been in a while! I didn't take any pictures, but I put some one here that make me smile and remind me of the sunshine.

I call this one Soulshine.


Flaming Gorge





I am loving it! This weather is definitely what I needed to lift my mood up. I have been kind of down lately. Not sure why.. I mean I have a pretty great life. I have a wonderful family, a job with great benefits, a car, great friends, and an amazing boyfriend. I think it just might be because I am ready for a change of scene. I am ready to get out of town for a few days. And I really miss Chelsea. Even though we talk all the time, it's hard. And I know that it's part of life. And I am glad that she is up in Washington doing her own thing...I just miss the hugs and the memories we used to make on a daily basis.

Flaming Gorge Weekend trips!


Playing football in Alaska


Exploring Caves in Alaska!



People wonder how we can be so close and be so different.. And Sometimes I wonder myself. But then I remember that we have been there for one another through thick and thin for the past 13 years. And even though we are so different, we know and understand each other better than almost anyone. It seems like every time one of us is down the other is always there to pick up the mess... She is my twin soul :) and I couldn't ask for a better friend.



When she came home last I did realize how different our lifestyles are from one another these days... Me being in a relationship with someone who is older and has kids... I can't hang like I used to LOL. I am somewhat of an old lady these days... And she of course is still Chester... Still wild and crazy.. Hard on the exterior and a big ball of emotion on the inside :) ... But the fact that she never changes is one thing that I love most about her. She is a great friend and will always have a special place in my life.



I know that she will probably never read this.. But I want her to know that I couldn't picture my life with out her in it. She is a big part of who I am today. And I am so glad that I have a friend who can laugh with and at me and who will cry with me. Her leaving was one of the toughest things I have had to go through... But since she left.. I have realized now more than ever how grateful I am to have the one and only Chester as my best friend. There is not a day that goes by that I don't laugh because of something that reminds me of her. There really is no way to describe her other than... She is Chester lol. She has a sailors mouth, a punch that can make a grown man cry (I have seen it happen), a strut for any pair of heels, and the biggest heart ever. I hope she never changes. Because I love her just the way she is :)

lump in my throat

It’s one of those days where the feeling of un-appreciation causes you to get that lump in your throat that you feel will never go away. Where things working out against you cause your eyes to well up with tears… It’s one of those days for me when I feel like hiding out… Shutting myself off from the world so that I can think things through and just take time to truly be angry… I hate being angry. But I also can’t be happy all the time either... I know that is selfish and stupid… But sometimes I just can’t help but feel this way.

How do you turn things in your favor when you wish for them to be different? How do you get others to treat you the way you treat them? And if they don’t ever catch on to it.... Do you stop treating them that way? Do you treat them they way you feel they treat you? I mean why put others first in your life if they never take the time to notice… Or take the time to make you first in theirs right?

Shed some light

“To be persuasive we must be believable; to be believable we must be credible; credible we must be truthful.”

I saw that quote today and it kind of goes with what has been going on in my life..... Lately I have been so frustrated over lies that have been said about me and others. Usually I wouldn't care, but they were said by someone whom I have considered a friend for most of my life..... I know, it clashes when you say it in your head. But I have grown up around her... And always known her to be that way.i have always known her to tell stories about her life to make it seem more extravagant... And have always just said "Well that is just how she is.. And I know the truth." But recently some things were said about me and others that I have taken to heart. Things that hurt me...Things that aren't true in the first place.. But also things that she had no right to say about me. Things that were far worse than anything I have or had going on in my life at any point....I am not perfect and I make mistakes. But I will be the first to admit it when I am in the wrong. And I try to treat everyone the way that I expect to be treated.... Even to those that talk badly about my life and the choices I make... When they should really be focusing on themselves and bettering their life.

Now I am not one to play the blame game or the "top that" game... I don't go around saying "Well you did this and I never have so that makes me a better person".... But I also don't tell lies about other people...Especially those I consider friends. But I feel that you can not rightfully judge someone unless you have walked in your shoes... So there fore she has no right to judge my life, or of those I care about most.... And I guess in a way, I don't have the right to judge her either. But how do you not become angry with someone like that? How do you let go of what they say about you, with out wanting to understand why they said it??? And more importantly when do you start to trust them? How do you let them back in to your life and trust that your best intentions are part of theirs? ....... Enlighten me...

I thought that I would post a picture of the latest work of art .... I was inspired by Cacey's brother for this one. He has been going through some really rough times lately and he is trying to get back on top of things. So this picture represents the just that. He being the ship pushing through the see of troubles. It was an experiment, and in my opinion it turned out quite nice. He seemed to like it so I can't be happier about that.




I have really been trying to draw and paint more. It seems to help me allot. It's kind of like my own dose of therapy... Or an escape from the real world. I would love to draw as much as I used to... Hopefully I will keep that mind set and keep with it.

I hope you all have a wonderful day and try to bring your escape into your lives a little more these days!

non existent to the world

He sits there quietly bothering no one. He lowers his eyes and courteously offers the sidewalk to those that rush past him to the entrance of the gas station. He is silent to the world. And to most of the world, he doesn't exist.

I know nothing about this man. I don't know what his name is or why he chose that gas station wall to perch on everyday. I don't know if he is a drug abuser, or drinks too much. I don't know why he is homeless, if he had a wife and kids, or how many siblings he has. I don't know if he was ever in jail, or if he ever went to war. I can't tell you if he lost everything in the hardships of economic failure. Or if he just simply chooses to live on the streets. I can only tell you of what I perceive. I can tell you that his hair is sandy blond underneath all of the dirt and grease that blankets it. I can tell you that the smell of his close is almost enough to make you vomit. Which tells me that they haven't been washed properly in months, if not longer. I can tell you that from a distance he looks black, but his skin is milky white underneath the layers of dirt and grime. He is a short man, standing not much taller than me. And in the Fall and Winter, he wears a coat that is much too big for his malnourished frame. But it is his, and he feels lucky to have it. He has more teeth actually missing, than he has left in his mouth. And I can tell by looking at him that his mind is always running. His light colored eyes dance across the parking lot as the world rushes by him day after day.

As I watch him study the world I can't help but wonder what goes through his mind. I wonder if he hears bits and pieces of our conversations and thinks about how selfish we are to complain about things we have in our everyday life. Things like not being able to sleep because our spouse was snoring, when he doesn't even have a home or bed to call his own. How hungry we are because our dinner from the night before was too dry to eat, when he had to pick his food from a trash can just so he could fill his belly. Things like needing a new wardrobe because we have been wearing this one for the past 3 yrs, while he has been wearing the same thing unwashed everyday for longer than we can even imagine. And I wonder if his heart saddens when we talk about the good things in our life such as promotions, fun filled weekends with families, vacations, and buying new things for our homes. I wonder if he pictures our lives as his and wishes that maybe things were different for him........


My heart saddens when I think of him because I wish he too could have the things that I do. Things like a family and good friends to warm his heart everyday. A bed and a place to call his own. A job to pay for things like a car, clothes, food, or a date night to dinner and the movies. I wish he had enough money that on most days he could have the option to buy lunch, or a drink from the gas station..... But out of all of the things I wish for him... I wish that I could help him. Sure, I can buy him a cup of coffee, or a sandwich from the gas station. But I wish I could do more than that. Because from what I know and have seen of him, he is a good man. He has never asked for anything from anyone. But if he gets anything at all, he is truly grateful. He doesn't expect, nor want anyone to feel sorry for him. And that to me is the type of person that deserves to be blessed with the things that we are.


I hope that this weekend as you spend time with the ones you love, you will think about how blessed you are to have the things you do in your life. And how blessed you are to not know the feeling of scrounging for food, or wondering where you are going to sleep that night. I hope that you can smile to yourself and thank God for what you have. And pray for those that are less fortunate. I know that if I were in their shoes, I would want someone to pray for me. And I hope you would too.

Mountains

I know this entry is going to be long. But it is something that I feel is good for me to write about. So if you choose to stop reading half way through, I won't be offended.

As some of you know, I am an astrology junkie. I read my Zodiac (Pisces), "love" (Pisces), and Chinese (Dragon) horoscope every day. I read both the Chinese and the Pisces horoscope because some days the way I am feeling is more accurate with one than the other.... Lately it has been leaning more more in the favor of the Chinese readings though.... So with that being said I have decided to share my 2010 horoscope with all of you.


"The Dragon"

"Okay, pause for a moment and check your pulse. Still there? Good. That means you survived the last couple of years with both Saturn and Pluto in less-than-perfect places for you. And by 'less than perfect,' I mean 'lousy.' Good news! Both of astrology's heavyweights have moved on to more constructive places for you. Now is the time to take that famous Pisces sensitivity (still intact from the challenges of the last while) and put it to work making your life a happier and more comfortable place.

You'll be receiving a lot more attention from others in 2010: loved ones, family and co-workers will all be drawn to you at times like moths to a flame. And as a result of the last couple of years worth of hassle, you'll be a stronger person with better judgment, and much better able to handle the influx. Enjoy your new position at the center of your own social circle!

One more noteworthy change from the previous year: Jupiter will be in your sign for most of the year, giving you a newfound sense of optimism and happiness about things no matter how they turn out. You'll be feeling expansive, but be careful not to expand too much -- this transit also comes with a more than usual chance of weight gain. There will be a renewed emphasis on health, fitness and personal well-being in the spring -- take advantage of that. Then again, maybe you just deserve the break. What's a pound or to compared to real happiness?"


I can't even tell you all how excited I am to kick off this new year! I was ready to leave 2009 behind me clear back in April! It was such a roller coaster ride. And at times it felt like would never be in my favor! But after meeting Cacey and working on bettering myself... Things started to look up!

At this point in my life, I am content. Sure things could be better in certain areas. But then again, "life ain't always peachy" :) . I think that if everything were perfect all the time, life would be boring. We need something to keep us on our toes. After all, going through hardships is when we learn the most about ourselves and others. It's hard to remember the things that matter most to us when we are brought down by others, Especially during a time we consider "a period of change". And it is hard not to judge other's for what they go through. Or to be angry with those that judge us. But the truth (and something that I often forget) is that by judging others, we are no better than those that judge us.

In the scriptures it is taught to "Be the light of Christ" ... To be like Him. Christ judged no one. And tho he was judged, beaten, and crucified by those that misjudged him... He still prayed for them and felt compassion for them.

I hope to be like Him in that way. To open up my heart and forgive those that judge me simply because of what they have heard, or don't care to understand. I hope to pray for their well being and still wish the best for them. Even if they don't wish the same for me. But most importantly I hope to forgive myself for judging others and feeling sorry for myself at certain times in my life. I hope to focus on the good in people, even though it is so much easier to point out the bad. And not to forget what others have done to hurt me, but to forgive them for it. I hope that in doing these things, I can set an example for others. That they too can forgive themselves and others for the pain and anger they feel. Because it truly is such a wonderful feeling to have that weight of guilt and anger lifted from your shoulders.

I am not perfect. Far from it actually. I make mistakes like everyone else. And tho I don't go to church often, I know that I am a good person. I know that I have a good heart and I feel I have a great relationship with Heavenly Father. I know that no matter what, there will always be someone that is going to judge me for the way I am. But this year more than ever before, I am going to focus on myself and try not to worry about the opinion's that others have of me. Because I know the truth. I know the real me. Really, my opinion of myself is the only one that matters. But in order for me to be ultimately happy, I have to forgive others, and most of all forgive myself for everything and everyone I have let take a piece of me. I need to remember that yesterday will never go away. My past will always be apart of me. And it will always be a large portion of the what has made me who who I am today.

To me, life's struggles are like steep mountains. At the lowest point, it seems impossible to reach the top. You feel hopeless and overwhelmed. You are scared to even try to reach it. But with the encouragement of others, and self motivation, you start the climb. And there are times that you become tired, you want to turn back, and times your will fall. But, there is always someone there to pick you up. You will feel aches and pains that you never knew existed. And at certain points you will need to stop and rest. There will be obstacles that will stand in your way. And at times you will lose sight of what you are trying to reach. But once you reach the top, you can look at the trail behind you and feel proud. Because tho it wasn't easy, you conquered the climb. And when you see everything in front of you, you smile and take a deep breath of fresh air. Because it is in that moment, you are at peace with yourself... You feel as if you can conquer anything.



I hope that this year you conquer your "mountains" . I hope you do it with an honest heart and an open mind. I hope you try not to judge others. I hope you wish the best for your enemies and think twice before picking them apart. Because you never know what mountain they are climbing. Or what mountains they have climbed in the past.


I wish you all the best of luck this year as you try to reach your goals you have set. Have a wonderful 2010!

Happy New Year!

Hannah

Recently I have been thinking allot about the other's and the effect we have on them..... A few weeks ago I came across a blog that is written by a woman in New York. And I have been pulled into her posts ever since then. She has an different way of writing. But she is also allot different than anyone I know or have ever met. However there is something beautiful about the way she writes. She paints pictures for her readers. She makes an ordinary day of hers sound like something you would hear a narrator in a movie describe. She is gifted. And seeing her posts makes me want to become a better writer. I would like to be able to talk about more than just my weekend or my day. I want to be able to paint a scene for someone with my words and take them into another world, even if it is for only a second.

I think there should be more people like her in the world. Daring, and brave enough to let others in on your inner most feelings without the fear of being judged.

Some of her posts are racy, and vulgar in a sense. But she is honest. And I like that.