Christmas Eve will make it eight months from the day Cacey and I said our big goodbye. I feel like the past eight months have flown by so quickly that I haven't really been able to process what my life has been like since we said our final good bye. I have experienced more mixed emotions in the past couple of months, than I have in all previous relationships/heartaches combined. I'm not upset about it. I feel like its been good for me. Cacey is a big part of the woman that I am today. His girls will be forever imprinted on my heart. My love for him, will always be held on a level that I can't explain.
He was my "first" for a lot of things. He was my first honest relationship. He was the first person to make ME put MYSELF first. He was the first person to tell me that creating art should be done because you feel passionate about it, not to make money. He was the first person that I had a family with, even though his kids weren't "technically" my own.
I loved Cacey. I loved him as he was because he loved me as I was when we found each other. I didn't have to hide pieces of my past in fear that he wouldn't understand. He allowed me to be honest with him from the beginning, and I think that is why we were able to communicate so openly. Amongst all of the things he was my "first" for, he was the first one to hurt just as much as I did when we realized that is wasn't going to work.
Walking away from our life on Easter Sunday was heart wrenching. The levels of sadness and anger I felt, were unimaginable up until that point in my life. Trying to process the "whys" and "hows" didn't get me anywhere. I was sad because I wasn't ready to let go... Even tho deep down, I knew it was time. I was upset because I didn't understand how you could just fall out of love with someone.... I still don't understand it, but I am no longer trying to understand it.
Someone once told me that "there is only one kind of love and if you can't love someone enough to spend the rest of your life with them, then you never truly loved them at all".... I feel sorry for that person and anyone else who is narrow minded enough to believe the same. I feel they are pessimistic towards love because they are too afraid of opening up their heart enough for it to be broken.
Love is the one thing that changes the way you see the world. When in love, the world has a certain glow about it. Colors are vibrant and beautiful, everything seems perfect. When you lose love, those colors become dull and blend together. It isn't until you search for love that the world slowly brightens, but this time the colors are different. When there is no love, everything seems black and white.
Love to me, is like creating a masterpiece. For each time you find love, fall out of love or search for love.. a work of art is created. Some people choose to live in the future and forget about the past, which only allows them one canvas to paint their masterpiece on. For me its different. I use a different canvas for each phase of my life. If it were on a single canvas, you wouldn't be able to see the layers of who I am or what I have felt throughout my life. The way I see it is that in the end, I'll still have my masterpiece...Just all canvases strategically placed to create one ultimate piece of art.
I would rather be passionate and daring enough to risk getting my heart broken multiple times. could never be narrow minded enough to believe the world is painted in black and white. My past is filled with canvases painted in bright colors and also in dull shades of blues and grays.The canvas I am painting now is filled with warm blues and greens. Shades of blues to represent the emotions in which consume me from time to time.. and greens to represent new growth in finding love within.
My masterpiece may seem like too much for some people. It may be too scattered and messy, but to me its beautiful.... It's my beautiful mess.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Thursday, December 1, 2011
reversed repulsion
They say that people walk in and out of your life for a reason, and in most cases.. those that walk out aren't worth letting back in. How does one decide if that is truly the case?
I am a firm believer in following the heart. It doesn't mean that it always puts me on the path that is right for me in the long run.. But how do we truly know if those paths that "feel right" at that moment... won't one day lead us to the path that is ultimately right for us? And even more... How do we truly know what is right for us?.... Doubts fill heads of even those who seem to have the "perfect life" or the "perfect relationship" every once in a while.
The last couple of weeks have been somewhat refreshing for me. Someone from my past whom I had ill feelings towards contacted me. As soon as I saw the name, my heart sunk into my stomach and my eyes welled with tears. I hadn't spoken to this person in over two years, and I hadn't thought anything positive about this person in longer than that. In talking with them, they apologized for all of the negative things said and done to me. They told me that I was a big part of their life and thanked me for all I had done.... I was at a loss for words because in conversations prior to this one, something was said to me that left a whole in my heart. Needless to say, I had been carrying that conversation with me for over two years, and it had been weighing me down for no one to see, just for me to feel.
As I read the apology, my stomach turned. I wasn't sure how to take it. I mean, obviously we didn't have the best track record. Nonetheless, I told this person that their apology meant a lot to me, especially considering what was said to me the last time we spoke.... They didn't remember saying those things, but apologized to me anyways and told me that none of it was true and that they were sorry for hurting me. I honestly thought my bitter taste for them would never go away, but I am proud to say that I no longer feel that stinging hatred towards this individual.
It's interesting how much time and maturity can heal a person. I don't think that either one of us are the same people that we were just a few years ago. I don't know if I would have been able to truly let go of that anger, had I not experienced "life" as it was after they closed the chapter of "our life".
I can't say what my future holds, or if this person will be a significant part of my life... All I know is that in talking to them, I was able to let go of a part of me and a past that I didn't know how to release myself from.
... People walk in and out of our lives for a reason.... The experiences we share with them help mold who we become..... And how they effect us in the present, determine whether or not they make it to our future. How far they make it exactly, is yet to be determined.
Uncertainty of what fills my future will always be in the back of my mind. But right now, in the present... I can confidently say that I am happy with life. I am happy with me.
I am a firm believer in following the heart. It doesn't mean that it always puts me on the path that is right for me in the long run.. But how do we truly know if those paths that "feel right" at that moment... won't one day lead us to the path that is ultimately right for us? And even more... How do we truly know what is right for us?.... Doubts fill heads of even those who seem to have the "perfect life" or the "perfect relationship" every once in a while.
The last couple of weeks have been somewhat refreshing for me. Someone from my past whom I had ill feelings towards contacted me. As soon as I saw the name, my heart sunk into my stomach and my eyes welled with tears. I hadn't spoken to this person in over two years, and I hadn't thought anything positive about this person in longer than that. In talking with them, they apologized for all of the negative things said and done to me. They told me that I was a big part of their life and thanked me for all I had done.... I was at a loss for words because in conversations prior to this one, something was said to me that left a whole in my heart. Needless to say, I had been carrying that conversation with me for over two years, and it had been weighing me down for no one to see, just for me to feel.
As I read the apology, my stomach turned. I wasn't sure how to take it. I mean, obviously we didn't have the best track record. Nonetheless, I told this person that their apology meant a lot to me, especially considering what was said to me the last time we spoke.... They didn't remember saying those things, but apologized to me anyways and told me that none of it was true and that they were sorry for hurting me. I honestly thought my bitter taste for them would never go away, but I am proud to say that I no longer feel that stinging hatred towards this individual.
It's interesting how much time and maturity can heal a person. I don't think that either one of us are the same people that we were just a few years ago. I don't know if I would have been able to truly let go of that anger, had I not experienced "life" as it was after they closed the chapter of "our life".
I can't say what my future holds, or if this person will be a significant part of my life... All I know is that in talking to them, I was able to let go of a part of me and a past that I didn't know how to release myself from.
... People walk in and out of our lives for a reason.... The experiences we share with them help mold who we become..... And how they effect us in the present, determine whether or not they make it to our future. How far they make it exactly, is yet to be determined.
Uncertainty of what fills my future will always be in the back of my mind. But right now, in the present... I can confidently say that I am happy with life. I am happy with me.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Someone Like You
"Someone Like You"
I heard that you settled down
That you found a girl and you're married now.
I heard that your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you.
Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light.
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.
Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,"
Yeah.
You know how the time flies
Only yesterday was the time of our lives
We were born and raised
In a summer haze
Bound by the surprise of our glory days
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.
Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."
Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?
Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."
Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."
Every time I hear the song "Someone Like You" by Adele, I tear up and/or get the cold chills. I love her voice and her attitude. I think she is a great artist. I have always thought she has done a great job at putting her emotion into her music. I think that is why I love her so much. I have heard this song a lot. But it wasn't until this morning that I truly "listened" to the words. As soon as I got to a computer I started doing some research on her album "21" which is the album that this song is from. She said this album is about the story of her first real "grown up" relationship.... The first relationship where nothing happened, or no one cheated on the other. It ended simply because they fell out of love with one another. She goes on to say that sometimes that hurts more because there is nothing you can do about it and how she felt like a failure because of it.
"Nothing compares, No worries or cares, Regrets and Mistakes, They are memories made. Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?" ........ I love that line because it truly hits home with me. No matter how much I try to be angry or try to find reasoning for why things have to be the way they are...There IS no explanation as to how you can just fall out of love with someone. Love is the one thing that is supposed to come to you naturally. It's the one feeling you put into all things dear to you. There is no greater pain than feeling like you have failed at love, to me anyways.
But life will always move forward and things will always change so all we can really do it trudge through the troubles. I'm sure I will face greater pain in my life (not that I want to) ... but for now, I'm still in the process of learning from this pain.
........... At this point, the greatest thing I have learned in life is that you can not truly appreciate life and love until you have lost the one thing you felt made you who you are.... I appreciate those things in a whole different light now.
.
I heard that you settled down
That you found a girl and you're married now.
I heard that your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you.
Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light.
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.
Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,"
Yeah.
You know how the time flies
Only yesterday was the time of our lives
We were born and raised
In a summer haze
Bound by the surprise of our glory days
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.
Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."
Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?
Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."
Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."
Every time I hear the song "Someone Like You" by Adele, I tear up and/or get the cold chills. I love her voice and her attitude. I think she is a great artist. I have always thought she has done a great job at putting her emotion into her music. I think that is why I love her so much. I have heard this song a lot. But it wasn't until this morning that I truly "listened" to the words. As soon as I got to a computer I started doing some research on her album "21" which is the album that this song is from. She said this album is about the story of her first real "grown up" relationship.... The first relationship where nothing happened, or no one cheated on the other. It ended simply because they fell out of love with one another. She goes on to say that sometimes that hurts more because there is nothing you can do about it and how she felt like a failure because of it.
"Nothing compares, No worries or cares, Regrets and Mistakes, They are memories made. Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?" ........ I love that line because it truly hits home with me. No matter how much I try to be angry or try to find reasoning for why things have to be the way they are...There IS no explanation as to how you can just fall out of love with someone. Love is the one thing that is supposed to come to you naturally. It's the one feeling you put into all things dear to you. There is no greater pain than feeling like you have failed at love, to me anyways.
But life will always move forward and things will always change so all we can really do it trudge through the troubles. I'm sure I will face greater pain in my life (not that I want to) ... but for now, I'm still in the process of learning from this pain.
........... At this point, the greatest thing I have learned in life is that you can not truly appreciate life and love until you have lost the one thing you felt made you who you are.... I appreciate those things in a whole different light now.
.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Five Year Plan......
Five year plan... Five years ago my five year plan would have gone something like this:
1. Go to school and get a nursing degree
2. Find a guy that I would like to settle down with.
3. Become engaged within 2 yrs.
4. Married in a year after that.
5. Live in a house with my perfect husband.
................ Five years later from that...... I can tell you exactly how wrong that plan was......................
I RECENTLY started taking college classes at the local community college thanks to my employer, who I should mention has NOTHING to do with healthcare. (That dream was shattered shortly after I realized how crappy benefits were working for the company that I was). Although I do miss my job description and the people that I cared for, I don't think I would ever want to be a nurse. I mostly enjoyed the comforting side of being a C.N.A. and Med Tech anyways. I developed alot of great relationships and life skills from it.
As far as finding a guy went... Ha.. I have to laugh at that because I found three great guys and thought I was going to marry at least two of them... For sure one. But that came almost three years into the five year plan. Two of the three were great guys! Treated me well and we got along... All three of the guys came from wonderful families that I miss dearly. But none of them ended up being the happy ending to my five year plan. Wasted years? I would say no. I learned a lot from each relationship and that is really what matters most.
Sure I don't have a degree in anything, or more than just a couple credits under my belt. Sure I don't have prince charming to come home to everynight or a home to call my own... But honestly, what the hell is a five year plan anyways? At this point in my life, it's bogus. I have found that searching and striving too hard for what you "want" gets you further from it. At least in the love department. For me anyways. I'm not even sure there IS a perfect guy out there. Other than my dad of course. And I can say that with all honesty because well, my dad's amazing. It's going to take someone pretty special to fully fill his shoes for me...... It's funny how when you are young, you are attracted to someone completely opposite of your fathter... But the older and WISER you get, you want to settle down with someone who has all of your father's best qualities... I know.... *sigh* I'm getting older.
While talking with a friend the other day we were discussing future relationships. He asked me what I felt that I was looking for. I told him that I didn't know, that right now I was focusing on myself as an individual. I told him that I know that love will come for me one day, in time. And with the right person. And I truly believe that. I am blessed and cursed to have such a nuetral mind and "flow". It makes it hard to really know what I want right now. But I figure that as long as I am self improving on who I am and becoming a happier better me, then all else (love included) will fall into place when the time is right.
So what's my five year plan now you ask?
1. Love truly all those who are good in my life
2. Smile Daily
3. Continue enducation
4. Travel
5. Self improve
Afterall one of my favorite sayings has always been "You can not love someone fully, until you learn to love yourself first." The time is now to learn about myself and love who I am. To make changes in my everyday life to become a better/happier me. Because I know in doing so, I will get my happy ending. No more searching, good things will happen on their own. It's time to live and let live!
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Saving Graces
My girls. My forever friends. In being single and having numerous amounts of time to myself I have found myself having girls nights with Chelsea and Amanda quite often and I couldn't be happier about it. Especially since Amanda lives a little more than an hour away from Chelsea and I.
We have been making trips out to her house at least once a month for the past couple of months. It's nice out there. I tell people it's like a mini vacation for me. It's so quiet and peaceful in the country side. It's nice to get off the freeway and out of the city and roll your windows down and smell the country. Landscapes of green grass and corn fields surround her home in a town where the number of horses and cows double or triple the number of people.
We always end up making plans to "actually do something", but usually we end up just chit chatting and having a few drinks while enjoying the clean air and clear skies. Chelsea usually falls asleep in the recliner around 9-10 and Amanda and I stay up into the wee hours of the morning having some type of deep discussion.
I love going out there because it's always a stress free environment. I told Amanda last time I was out there that I feel like I need to go there at least once a month just to stay sane. :) Who knows if that is true, but at least I have an extra excuse to keep going out there!
Either way, our small group of three has had our ups and downs and our falling outs at different points in our lives. But those I believe are what have made us to be such great friends. We have been through a lot together. We have all strayed from our paths of life that go side by side.. But Our lives mismatching and being so different from one another is what makes it interesting. Because we can be ourselves and follow our heart and desires, but then meet up and mesh so well.
We have the type of friendship that lasts forever. They will always be my two friends that I consider to be my greatest. I love that our lives intertwined together in some weird way when we were younger than 10 yrs old, and yet today we still remain the greatest of friends. Every time we are together a memory filled with smiles and laughter is made. And that, is what I cherish most about what we have together. I love the fact that I don't know what my future holds. But that I can ALWAYS count on these two girls to be my rock and make me laugh until my guts hurt no matter what trials I face in life.
These girls and my family, are my saving grace!
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
For the better, for the worse.
Life is crazy, like a whirl wind of never ending chaos. But in the midst of all the chaos, there is so much good. Those things are what reassures me that things really will be OK.
Living at home is now "what I know". I may not be there a whole lot, but I enjoy seeing my family when I'm there. My sister had her twins on July 21st and I love them individually so much. My heart has now been split into three. Kayson, is so calm and gentle hearted. He smiles all the time, and he just has this sweet nature about him. Jayden is a little ball of fire :) and knows how to work the system already to get what she wants. We call her the drama queen :). And of course, there is Jaxon. He is still my little buddy. He is getting so big so fast. He talks all the time, and he is still so full of life. I love watching him get older. But as I look at the babies, I get sad because it makes me realize how fast time passes by. I remember last summer how little Jax was and it makes me realize how short life really is.
I've been spending a lot of my time with girlfriends, which I feel is good for me. I have been in relationships for most of the past six years. I forgot what it was like to be single. The girls are some of greatest friends I could ever ask for and I have become extremely close to them. They are honest, genuine, and have great energy. They may be a little wild and swear like sailors.. But they have proven in just a few short months to be people that I want in my life forever.
I still think about Cacey, and all the things I miss about our life. I still love him in a way that I have no one else, and I think I always will love him differently. I miss the girls, and Tank. I miss his smile, his long curled eye lashes and the way his neck smelled when I hugged him. I miss being with him in the beginning when we were crazy about each other. But I am beginning to come to the realization that this is just the way it's going to be. I can't say forever, because I don't think anyone ever knows that. But for now, for a while... It's for good.
I've learned in the past three months that it's OK to cry. It's OK to show how I really feel inside. I have been told many times that I am the happiest person that most know and that my happiness radiates. It feels good to hear that, but at the same time; it's not how I feel in side a lot of the time. But I have learned that surrounding myself with people who make me forget the pain that I feel for things, is what radiates that energy. It's a good reminder that I have a lot more good in my life than I think. So in honor of all the good things I have in my life at the moment, here are some memories that warm my heart.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Daddy's Nicki
I started taking an English 1010 class at the community college. I really enjoy it because I love writing. It's a good escape for all that is going on in my world .... Our first paper was a "reflections paper". The paper had to tell a story of something or someone that can reflect why you are who you are... My teacher read the paper and she said it was "beautifully written because it's heart-breaking and honest". She also told me that she loves my dad :)... I guess you can be the judge of why she would say that.
Any ways, I figured I would share my paper with all of you because it shows a glimpse of what my life inside my head has been like for the past couple of months.... Things are tough, but are getting easier. All I can say is that I have a wonderful family <3
Daddy's Nicki
Everything that I had known for the past two years had just shattered into a million pieces. These walls filled with memories that I had created this house that I made a home with nick-knacks and keeps sakes, was no longer mine. This furry pig dog with the wrinkled face that was always dripping with slobber would no longer snore and hog half of my bed. And these girls, the olive skinned ball of fire and the green eyed toe head that could have passed as my own, would no longer be a part of my weekly ritual. This home and this family that I loved, was no longer mine.
With one last glance from his tear filled cobalt eyes, he walked away from our life. He couldn’t handle watching me remove the proof of my existence from the space that we called ours. And in that moment, a slight breeze of fresh cut grass wisped through what was once my bedroom window only to make me realize that I was broken.
I sat there sobbing uncontrollably, listening to my thoughts screaming in my head. Is this really the end? How could it be? What do I do now? Where do I go? How can two people who aren’t angry at each other just walk away from their life together? I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t want to explain how my life crumbled before me unexpectedly at 4:30 in the morning on Easter Sunday because not even I could process it.
I don’t even remember picking up the phone and dialing the numbers, but as soon as I heard my dad’s voice, I felt like a breath of fresh air had just been forced down my throat. He could hear me struggling to find the right wording as I battled my lungs for air. “Are you ok? What do you need me to do kiddo?” he said in a sympathetic tone. “I need you to clear a space in the spare bedroom closet. I’m coming home.’’
“You will have a place to put your things when you get here. If you need me to come get you, I will.” He reassured me. I told him I would be there in a few hours and that I loved him. I didn’t want him to see me in this state. I didn’t want him to see me remove myself from this closet and these shelves in the sloth like manner I was moving in, in order to keep me away from this home that I was not ready to leave even though it was no longer mine.
After two hours and what seemed like 137 trips to my car of just clothes, I hugged my pig dog one last time and told him I would come see him soon. I took one last look at the home I created and the dog with a face that only its mother could love and quietly shut the door behind me. I wouldn’t be coming back this time, not as my home anyway.
As I passed church after church filled with families dressed in their Sunday best, I couldn’t help but wonder how we were going to explain this to the girls. How do you explain to a five and eleven year old that “It just isn’t working”? How do you make them understand that you still love them and not feel awful for being the second “mother” to leave their home? I felt like a failure knowing that the one thing I had been most afraid of coming into this relationship, was about to come crashing down on me harder than anything else I had ever experienced. I was breaking up with three instead of one.
I would no longer get to do their hair pretty, or read them bedtime stories. I would no longer get to watch “girly movies” or get those hugs where they “spider monkey” themselves around you, after you have just caught them in mid air, just to tell you that they loved you. I would no longer get to add pictures to “the shrine” I had created for them in on my walls at work. I was no longer “daddy’s Nicki”. I was now just simply, Nicki.
As I creeped my jeep into the driveway, I could see the questions bulging from my mother’s mouth as she stood at the garage door landing. She could sense her puffy eyed, emotionally drained baby wanted nothing more than the assurance that everything would be ok. I get that from my mom, the wanting to fix everything nature. I am most like her. But that day, I needed the one person who loved his girls most. I needed my dad.
As I hugged my dad he said nothing. He just rubbed my back as he has ever since I was a little girl. I love that most about him I think. His calm nature makes it easy to know that he cares without even saying a word. Even in times when I have disappointed him most, he hardly says anything. He waits for you to come to him; I wish I were more like him in that way.
I dreaded moving my life into the room that was once my sister’s. I felt sick to my stomach because I was doing the one thing that I feared most. I was leaving the one person and the loves of his life because somehow, we were no longer the loves of each other’s life.
Arm load after arm load my mother, my sister five months pregnant with twins, and myself piled my clothes on the bed that had become foreign to me. In the midst of worrying about where I am going to put everything I hear my dad say from the kitchen, “Hell, I’m going to have to build you a storage room just to fit all your damn shoes.” I reply quickly with “No, that is what the garage shelves are for! And if you think this is bad, wait until you see all of the crafting projects I have accumulated over the past year!”
I reflect back to that memory, knowing now what my dad was trying to get across to me without even realizing he was doing it. My family will always be there for me and as I get older, I realize more and more how much I really need my parents. I love my mother for always wanting to make sure that I am ok. I love that I get the “Let’s fix it!” nature from her. And I love knowing that even when he doesn’t say anything; my dad shows me that he cares. In this case, love is clearing a space in your workshop to make room for your daughters crafting projects.
Any ways, I figured I would share my paper with all of you because it shows a glimpse of what my life inside my head has been like for the past couple of months.... Things are tough, but are getting easier. All I can say is that I have a wonderful family <3
Daddy's Nicki
Everything that I had known for the past two years had just shattered into a million pieces. These walls filled with memories that I had created this house that I made a home with nick-knacks and keeps sakes, was no longer mine. This furry pig dog with the wrinkled face that was always dripping with slobber would no longer snore and hog half of my bed. And these girls, the olive skinned ball of fire and the green eyed toe head that could have passed as my own, would no longer be a part of my weekly ritual. This home and this family that I loved, was no longer mine.
With one last glance from his tear filled cobalt eyes, he walked away from our life. He couldn’t handle watching me remove the proof of my existence from the space that we called ours. And in that moment, a slight breeze of fresh cut grass wisped through what was once my bedroom window only to make me realize that I was broken.
I sat there sobbing uncontrollably, listening to my thoughts screaming in my head. Is this really the end? How could it be? What do I do now? Where do I go? How can two people who aren’t angry at each other just walk away from their life together? I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t want to explain how my life crumbled before me unexpectedly at 4:30 in the morning on Easter Sunday because not even I could process it.
I don’t even remember picking up the phone and dialing the numbers, but as soon as I heard my dad’s voice, I felt like a breath of fresh air had just been forced down my throat. He could hear me struggling to find the right wording as I battled my lungs for air. “Are you ok? What do you need me to do kiddo?” he said in a sympathetic tone. “I need you to clear a space in the spare bedroom closet. I’m coming home.’’
“You will have a place to put your things when you get here. If you need me to come get you, I will.” He reassured me. I told him I would be there in a few hours and that I loved him. I didn’t want him to see me in this state. I didn’t want him to see me remove myself from this closet and these shelves in the sloth like manner I was moving in, in order to keep me away from this home that I was not ready to leave even though it was no longer mine.
After two hours and what seemed like 137 trips to my car of just clothes, I hugged my pig dog one last time and told him I would come see him soon. I took one last look at the home I created and the dog with a face that only its mother could love and quietly shut the door behind me. I wouldn’t be coming back this time, not as my home anyway.
As I passed church after church filled with families dressed in their Sunday best, I couldn’t help but wonder how we were going to explain this to the girls. How do you explain to a five and eleven year old that “It just isn’t working”? How do you make them understand that you still love them and not feel awful for being the second “mother” to leave their home? I felt like a failure knowing that the one thing I had been most afraid of coming into this relationship, was about to come crashing down on me harder than anything else I had ever experienced. I was breaking up with three instead of one.
I would no longer get to do their hair pretty, or read them bedtime stories. I would no longer get to watch “girly movies” or get those hugs where they “spider monkey” themselves around you, after you have just caught them in mid air, just to tell you that they loved you. I would no longer get to add pictures to “the shrine” I had created for them in on my walls at work. I was no longer “daddy’s Nicki”. I was now just simply, Nicki.
As I creeped my jeep into the driveway, I could see the questions bulging from my mother’s mouth as she stood at the garage door landing. She could sense her puffy eyed, emotionally drained baby wanted nothing more than the assurance that everything would be ok. I get that from my mom, the wanting to fix everything nature. I am most like her. But that day, I needed the one person who loved his girls most. I needed my dad.
As I hugged my dad he said nothing. He just rubbed my back as he has ever since I was a little girl. I love that most about him I think. His calm nature makes it easy to know that he cares without even saying a word. Even in times when I have disappointed him most, he hardly says anything. He waits for you to come to him; I wish I were more like him in that way.
I dreaded moving my life into the room that was once my sister’s. I felt sick to my stomach because I was doing the one thing that I feared most. I was leaving the one person and the loves of his life because somehow, we were no longer the loves of each other’s life.
Arm load after arm load my mother, my sister five months pregnant with twins, and myself piled my clothes on the bed that had become foreign to me. In the midst of worrying about where I am going to put everything I hear my dad say from the kitchen, “Hell, I’m going to have to build you a storage room just to fit all your damn shoes.” I reply quickly with “No, that is what the garage shelves are for! And if you think this is bad, wait until you see all of the crafting projects I have accumulated over the past year!”
I reflect back to that memory, knowing now what my dad was trying to get across to me without even realizing he was doing it. My family will always be there for me and as I get older, I realize more and more how much I really need my parents. I love my mother for always wanting to make sure that I am ok. I love that I get the “Let’s fix it!” nature from her. And I love knowing that even when he doesn’t say anything; my dad shows me that he cares. In this case, love is clearing a space in your workshop to make room for your daughters crafting projects.
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