Saving Graces

My girls. My forever friends. In being single and having numerous amounts of time to myself I have found myself having girls nights with Chelsea and Amanda quite often and I couldn't be happier about it. Especially since Amanda lives a little more than an hour away from Chelsea and I.

We have been making trips out to her house at least once a month for the past couple of months. It's nice out there. I tell people it's like a mini vacation for me. It's so quiet and peaceful in the country side. It's nice to get off the freeway and out of the city and roll your windows down and smell the country. Landscapes of green grass and corn fields surround her home in a town where the number of horses and cows double or triple the number of people.

We always end up making plans to "actually do something", but usually we end up just chit chatting and having a few drinks while enjoying the clean air and clear skies. Chelsea usually falls asleep in the recliner around 9-10 and Amanda and I stay up into the wee hours of the morning having some type of deep discussion.

I love going out there because it's always a stress free environment. I told Amanda last time I was out there that I feel like I need to go there at least once a month just to stay sane. :) Who knows if that is true, but at least I have an extra excuse to keep going out there!

Either way, our small group of three has had our ups and downs and our falling outs at different points in our lives. But those I believe are what have made us to be such great friends. We have been through a lot together. We have all strayed from our paths of life that go side by side.. But Our lives mismatching and being so different from one another is what makes it interesting. Because we can be ourselves and follow our heart and desires, but then meet up and mesh so well.

We have the type of friendship that lasts forever. They will always be my two friends that I consider to be my greatest. I love that our lives intertwined together in some weird way when we were younger than 10 yrs old, and yet today we still remain the greatest of friends. Every time we are together a memory filled with smiles and laughter is made. And that, is what I cherish most about what we have together. I love the fact that I don't know what my future holds. But that I can ALWAYS count on these two girls to be my rock and make me laugh until my guts hurt no matter what trials I face in life.

These girls and my family, are my saving grace!

For the better, for the worse.

Life is crazy, like a whirl wind of never ending chaos. But in the midst of all the chaos, there is so much good. Those things are what reassures me that things really will be OK.

Living at home is now "what I know". I may not be there a whole lot, but I enjoy seeing my family when I'm there. My sister had her twins on July 21st and I love them individually so much. My heart has now been split into three. Kayson, is so calm and gentle hearted. He smiles all the time, and he just has this sweet nature about him. Jayden is a little ball of fire :) and knows how to work the system already to get what she wants. We call her the drama queen :). And of course, there is Jaxon. He is still my little buddy. He is getting so big so fast. He talks all the time, and he is still so full of life. I love watching him get older. But as I look at the babies, I get sad because it makes me realize how fast time passes by. I remember last summer how little Jax was and it makes me realize how short life really is.

I've been spending a lot of my time with girlfriends, which I feel is good for me. I have been in relationships for most of the past six years. I forgot what it was like to be single. The girls are some of greatest friends I could ever ask for and I have become extremely close to them. They are honest, genuine, and have great energy. They may be a little wild and swear like sailors.. But they have proven in just a few short months to be people that I want in my life forever.

I still think about Cacey, and all the things I miss about our life. I still love him in a way that I have no one else, and I think I always will love him differently. I miss the girls, and Tank. I miss his smile, his long curled eye lashes and the way his neck smelled when I hugged him. I miss being with him in the beginning when we were crazy about each other. But I am beginning to come to the realization that this is just the way it's going to be. I can't say forever, because I don't think anyone ever knows that. But for now, for a while... It's for good.

I've learned in the past three months that it's OK to cry. It's OK to show how I really feel inside. I have been told many times that I am the happiest person that most know and that my happiness radiates. It feels good to hear that, but at the same time; it's not how I feel in side a lot of the time. But I have learned that surrounding myself with people who make me forget the pain that I feel for things, is what radiates that energy. It's a good reminder that I have a lot more good in my life than I think. So in honor of all the good things I have in my life at the moment, here are some memories that warm my heart.

Daddy's Nicki

I started taking an English 1010 class at the community college. I really enjoy it because I love writing. It's a good escape for all that is going on in my world .... Our first paper was a "reflections paper". The paper had to tell a story of something or someone that can reflect why you are who you are... My teacher read the paper and she said it was "beautifully written because it's heart-breaking and honest". She also told me that she loves my dad :)... I guess you can be the judge of why she would say that.

Any ways, I figured I would share my paper with all of you because it shows a glimpse of what my life inside my head has been like for the past couple of months.... Things are tough, but are getting easier. All I can say is that I have a wonderful family <3



Daddy's Nicki

Everything that I had known for the past two years had just shattered into a million pieces. These walls filled with memories that I had created this house that I made a home with nick-knacks and keeps sakes, was no longer mine. This furry pig dog with the wrinkled face that was always dripping with slobber would no longer snore and hog half of my bed. And these girls, the olive skinned ball of fire and the green eyed toe head that could have passed as my own, would no longer be a part of my weekly ritual. This home and this family that I loved, was no longer mine.

With one last glance from his tear filled cobalt eyes, he walked away from our life. He couldn’t handle watching me remove the proof of my existence from the space that we called ours. And in that moment, a slight breeze of fresh cut grass wisped through what was once my bedroom window only to make me realize that I was broken.

I sat there sobbing uncontrollably, listening to my thoughts screaming in my head. Is this really the end? How could it be? What do I do now? Where do I go? How can two people who aren’t angry at each other just walk away from their life together? I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t want to explain how my life crumbled before me unexpectedly at 4:30 in the morning on Easter Sunday because not even I could process it.

I don’t even remember picking up the phone and dialing the numbers, but as soon as I heard my dad’s voice, I felt like a breath of fresh air had just been forced down my throat. He could hear me struggling to find the right wording as I battled my lungs for air. “Are you ok? What do you need me to do kiddo?” he said in a sympathetic tone. “I need you to clear a space in the spare bedroom closet. I’m coming home.’’

“You will have a place to put your things when you get here. If you need me to come get you, I will.” He reassured me. I told him I would be there in a few hours and that I loved him. I didn’t want him to see me in this state. I didn’t want him to see me remove myself from this closet and these shelves in the sloth like manner I was moving in, in order to keep me away from this home that I was not ready to leave even though it was no longer mine.

After two hours and what seemed like 137 trips to my car of just clothes, I hugged my pig dog one last time and told him I would come see him soon. I took one last look at the home I created and the dog with a face that only its mother could love and quietly shut the door behind me. I wouldn’t be coming back this time, not as my home anyway.

As I passed church after church filled with families dressed in their Sunday best, I couldn’t help but wonder how we were going to explain this to the girls. How do you explain to a five and eleven year old that “It just isn’t working”? How do you make them understand that you still love them and not feel awful for being the second “mother” to leave their home? I felt like a failure knowing that the one thing I had been most afraid of coming into this relationship, was about to come crashing down on me harder than anything else I had ever experienced. I was breaking up with three instead of one.

I would no longer get to do their hair pretty, or read them bedtime stories. I would no longer get to watch “girly movies” or get those hugs where they “spider monkey” themselves around you, after you have just caught them in mid air, just to tell you that they loved you. I would no longer get to add pictures to “the shrine” I had created for them in on my walls at work. I was no longer “daddy’s Nicki”. I was now just simply, Nicki.

As I creeped my jeep into the driveway, I could see the questions bulging from my mother’s mouth as she stood at the garage door landing. She could sense her puffy eyed, emotionally drained baby wanted nothing more than the assurance that everything would be ok. I get that from my mom, the wanting to fix everything nature. I am most like her. But that day, I needed the one person who loved his girls most. I needed my dad.

As I hugged my dad he said nothing. He just rubbed my back as he has ever since I was a little girl. I love that most about him I think. His calm nature makes it easy to know that he cares without even saying a word. Even in times when I have disappointed him most, he hardly says anything. He waits for you to come to him; I wish I were more like him in that way.

I dreaded moving my life into the room that was once my sister’s. I felt sick to my stomach because I was doing the one thing that I feared most. I was leaving the one person and the loves of his life because somehow, we were no longer the loves of each other’s life.

Arm load after arm load my mother, my sister five months pregnant with twins, and myself piled my clothes on the bed that had become foreign to me. In the midst of worrying about where I am going to put everything I hear my dad say from the kitchen, “Hell, I’m going to have to build you a storage room just to fit all your damn shoes.” I reply quickly with “No, that is what the garage shelves are for! And if you think this is bad, wait until you see all of the crafting projects I have accumulated over the past year!”

I reflect back to that memory, knowing now what my dad was trying to get across to me without even realizing he was doing it. My family will always be there for me and as I get older, I realize more and more how much I really need my parents. I love my mother for always wanting to make sure that I am ok. I love that I get the “Let’s fix it!” nature from her. And I love knowing that even when he doesn’t say anything; my dad shows me that he cares. In this case, love is clearing a space in your workshop to make room for your daughters crafting projects.

Already 2? My how time Flew!!!!!!!!!!

June 4th will mark the birthday of the most important person in my life.



Jaxon is the only man in my life that has my whole heart! He makes me melt! I love him more than anything and I would go above and beyond all limits to do whatever I can for him. The day that he was born, my life changed completely and I suddenly knew what it felt like to want to be a better person for someone else... Loving my nephew, is the greatest feeling in the world.

I have been blessed enough over the past two years to have the opportunity to spend most Fridays with him.. And tho sometimes they are... Challenging :) to say the least.. and he gives me a run for my money, I cherish those days. It's crazy the kind of light a child can bring into your life. His curiosity and innocence make me smile on a daily basis.

It's been a bitter sweet thing watching him get older. Bitter because he has grown so much in the past two years and I feel like I should still be walking around the back yard with him exploring everything that nature has to offer in Riverton Utah lol.. Or singing lullaby's to him before he falls asleep in my arms...

Sweet because he is so smart and so full of life. He is so amazed at the littlest things, and he truly is... Hell on Wheels! :) I say that in a good way! He just loves EVERYONE and EVERYTHING! The day I took the pictures above he was trying to hug every little kid that was eye level with him.. Not to mention running wild throughout the entire dinosaur museum! And even tho, I wanted to lay down and sleep just after two hours of tending him that day, I would do it over and over again :)

I could literally go on for days about how much I love my nephew. I kick myself for ever thinking how strange life would be when I became an aunt. Because I really feel like my life sort of just began when the day that he was born and my out look on life changed. And now that my sister is pregnant with twins (due in August)... I am in for a whole other adventure! :) But I can't wait!

I want kids one day... But for now.. I think I will just stick to the ones I can spoil and give back lol


Dub-uh Jax! Thank you for making me a better person and showing me what it is like to love someone wholeheartedly. Thank you for being the light of my life and for loving me unconditionally. Thank you for making my day just by saying "Hi Nit-nee" or "Dub-uh" (which means I love you) .... You mean the world to me!

Happy 2nd Birthday! I look forward to the future birthdays and all the twists and turns that life will bring!

Love,
Nit-nee

I know it's not the best picture, but I wanted to post a picture of my recent craft project.

I have wanted old barn windows for a long time now and while shopping on KSL classifieds I found a guy who had A TON of them for sale. And the best part was, he lived 3 minutes away from me :)

I picked up two of them and I am in love with them. I have some things envisioned for them. The one that is hanging in my room will have some things added to it. I wish I could take a better picture to show the detail of it. All I did to it was vacuum it up a little, put some matte finish on it and eventually modge podge the front. I had to used modge podge because the paint on the window is peeling off. That is the look I was going for, so I decided to leave it as natural as I could rather than repaint it to look old.

Then with the help of my dad I got it hung :) I know it's big, but it makes me smile! My mom thought I was crazy when I told her I was going to hang a barn window above my bed, but now she thinks it looks good.

I made the pillow on my bed too. It doesn't really go with my decor... But then again, I just moved home a week and a half ago so hopefully I can create my pictured "escape" :)



That's all for now, but I will keep posting pics of projects as they come!

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Change: Something that I am usually fond of. But not if it is a life altering change. Easter Sunday my boyfriend and I decided to go our separate ways. It makes me sad because we care about one another deeply, and want the best for us. But, we need to focus on ourselves for a while.

People try and tell me that I will get over it, or maybe that it wasn't meant to be.. But I don't think you can feel what I am going through until you have been in my situation. If you haven't dated someone older, who has kids and built a life with that person than you wouldn't know how this feels. It's been hard to walk away from the life we had made together.. It's hard to walk away from the flowers that I planted to make our home more inviting and beautiful, and the projects that were part of the dream of the home I smiled about frequently because they were part of who I am and part of what I had always envisioned. That house was the one place I felt at home. I fell in love with his kids, and OUR dog Tank :). And he is the man that I love on a level I have never loved another person.

How do you walk away from that and be ok with leaving it all behind? I don't understand it.... I have been on quite the roller coaster trying to place myself in where I am in life right now. It's been hard moving back home and adjusting to things. It doesn't feel normal. But it's comforting to have my family around. It's comforting to be around my easy going and quiet dad, because right now I don't want to talk. He is the one person that doesn't offer an opinion on what I need to do.

I love Cacey, and tho we are taking time to figure ourselves out apart from one another, I value what we have. I value who he is and the relationship that we have built. We aren't angry at each other, just sad that it has to be this way, and that we both hurt.

Who knows, maybe we aren't right for each other... But that is something that only he and I can decide. I know that if what we developed wasn't real, it wouldn't have hurt like it did to decide to take this step. Regardless of what happens in the future, I will always hold a place in my heart filled with only good thoughts about him.

And at the end of the road if we don't end up together, I know I have friendship that will last a lifetime.

Day 29.. A picture that always makes me smile

LOL That is a picture of my nephew on my birthday. This was around the time that he discovered his tongue. But I just love it because he was just kicked back in the high chair with his arms flopped to the side and his tongue hanging out. He just looks so relaxed.