speak for myself.. Probably not

I haven't written in a while which I am completely aware of. Life has been crazy the past couple of months and my head has been in the clouds. There is so much going on mentally, but I don't know how to get any of it out. What I feel and what my hands type just haven't been connected lately. There have been times I wanted to get on here and write about something and refrained because I didn't want to sound like a "Debbie Downer" ... And other times, I wanted to write but haven't been able to place the way I feel with the correct words. So instead of writing, I read what others have to say. It makes me feel better. And allot of the time, they say something that I can relate to.. I guess in way it's kind of like a "pick-me-up" .. Not always uplifting, But honest... Which is what I believe I need most right now.....

My life is good. I have a great boyfriend, a wonderful family, and amazing friends... But every year I go through this "phase" if that is what we want to call it.... Will there ever come a time where I don't feel this way?

Something is missing in me. Something is incomplete.

Hello!!!!!! :) Just thought I would update the blog since it has been a while! Allot has been going on... Mostly just doing stuff around the house! The basement is almost done! Just waiting on cabinets now... So we have been focusing on the outside!

Last week I got an incentive award from work for doing such a great job.. Their words not mine! But I was super excited and I figured instead of buying clothes or something like that.. I would take a little bit of the money and buy some compost for the yard and use the rest of it for bills!

So I decided to put together a little compilation of the yard with all of the changes!

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Things are not complete yet! But I am so happy with the way things are turning out! We had some help from the girls and Tank! :) Yes believe it or not he was helping rip down trees! ... We had a dumpster dropped off a couple weeks ago on a rainy Tuesday! :) It was so much fun piling all the limbs and leaves in there! It was a perfect way to spend a day with Cacey and work together! We make a great team!

We have also been having allot of camp fires. Cacey's brother gave us like a bbq pit.. but we have been using it as a fire pit since we got it.. The girls have loved it! We have roasted smores and hot dogs on it a couple times in the past week!

Other than that not much is new! Just keeping busy at work and keeping busy at home! But lovin every minute of it!

Hope you all have a wonderful day! :)

The reasons for my smiles

“We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have.”

Over the past year I have been asked on numerous occasions by many people "How am I so positive and happy all the time?" Well the answer is simple.... What is there in my life that I don't have to be happy and positive about? I feel extremely lucky to have what I do... Extremely lucky to look at my life everyday and smile about it... And honestly I DO do that.

I love my life! I love the person that I am inside and for the most part outside too lol.. I have worked hard to gain the emotional stability that I have in my life right now. I have worked hard to understand that there truly is and never WAS anything wrong with me... That I should be myself and not make changes for other people. I learned to love myself completely and that I am capable of being loved unconditionally....

A year ago from now, I was a mess... I was depressed, angry, bitter, sad, and lonely... All because I let someone else's life become more important than my own... And tho I can say it was one of my biggest mistakes of my life... I have to be thankful for that as well. Because going through what I did, and being with Justin, made me realize that I hated everything about the person that I was! It made me realize how weak I was to be with such a (pardon my french) dip shit! Because really that is what he was! It took me months to realize that I was dying inside... And that I needed to let myself let him go! Even after I broke it off with him, it took me months to completely rid him from my life! So that makes me a dip shit! LOL.... But ya know....It is the knowledge that I gained and the people that stuck by me through that time, that I have to smile about!

So in honor of them... Here is a list along with some explanations as to why I love my life so much!

The reasons for my smiles!

1. I have the most amazing families in the world! I feel so blessed to have such a wonderful support system on both my side of the family, and Caceys! I love all of my parents and I feel lucky to have such great role models to look up to!

2. I also have the best siblings in the world! My sister is one of a kind and I love her more than I can ever explain. She has become one of my best friends and someone that I look up to more than anyone! And Cacey's brothers and sister are all so much fun to be around! And they are filled with so much love! They have always made me feel welcome! And I can't help but smile at knowing how close they are to each other!

3. My nephew... Aawwh the kid just makes my heart melt! He truly is the one thing that I love most in life! Just having him around makes me gaga! He is always going to have me wrapped around his finger! He has from his very first breath into this world! Every day I love him more and more!

4. My friends... They are so supportive and so loyal to me! I couldn't ask for any better! I know that they have my best intentions at heart... And really that is all I need! I trust them with all my heart!

5. My heart belongs to the person who I know loves me more than anyone could... I am with someone who treats me like I have always known I should be. I am with my best friend who loves me and respects me for all of who I am, was and will be in the future! Cacey is my better half. Every day since the day he walked into my life, he has helped me be a better person. I love my life with him in it. And I love our life we have made together thus far... I can't wait to start a new chapter and take notes of things as we start a new journey together now that he is FINALLY legally divorced!

6. Cacey's girls... What is not to love about them?! They are so great! And I love having them in my life! I knew them before I knew Cacey, and they were a riot even then! :) I love when they come home for the week! It's so nice to hear their laughter fill the house and get all of those hugs and kisses... And all of the "I Love You's"... Who would have ever thought that at the age of 22 you could love someone else's kids as if they were your own? .... Who would have ever thought that this life I was so afraid of... would be the one thing I would be most afraid of losing?

I have embraced who I am and the choices I have made. I smile every day because I choose to. I am the maker of my life.. And the creator of my own happiness. I have wonderful people in my life that radiate with joy and love. I love those that show me they love me... And I don't let others hold me back.... Settling for less than I deserve or waiting around to see a change is not in my vocabulary anymore.... Life is about what you make it out to be.... So I guess the next time someone asks me "Why I am so happy all the time"... I will just simply say "Because I choose to be"

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Hello! Wow it's been a while since I have written huh? So I guess now would be a good time to update everyone on what I have been up to!

It's been a busy month.. They say that April showers bring May flowers and I hope that term is correct in the terms of "tons of work, will lead to a beautiful outcome for the rest of the year!" Because that is what I have been up to! Cacey and I have been working on the house every weekend! Mostly doing yard work.... Cacey and my dad have been putting the kitchen in downstairs and I am happy to say that it has finally paid off! Because we just made the last payments on the cabinets so they can be installed this weekend! Yay! The renters will now have their own kitchen! A few things will need to be done after that.. But for the most part, the ball is rolling!

Yard work... (Sigh)... never ends! And tho I love it so much! (Really I do)... I am ready to enjoy the hard work and have it pay off! We have been cutting branches, pulling weeds, fertilizing the lawn, watering the lawn, trimming the raspberries, tilling the gardens, planting pumpkins and onions, planting other flowers that I bought too soon lol... tearing trees down, ripping vines out.. all while keeping it maintained! I have to say, it looks great! Especially compared to what it looked like before! The owners before Cacey planted a bunch of stuff they didn't know how to up keep, or really where to plant.. So we had trees and weeds growing everywhere! And on top of that.. No one lived in the house for a year before Cacey moved in so the yard was horrendous! .... We are getting a "green dumpster" to put all of our hard work in lol. I am talking at least 17 55 gallon bags of leaves, at least a flat bed trailers worth of tree limbs and a few other odds and end things.

I can't wait to have company over for BBQ's when its all done! It already looks so much better! But I can't wait to get the soil in the beds and the flowers planted! :) It makes me excited to think about!

Rylee turned 10 on the 17th so she had 2 parties. A slumber party with her girlfriends, and a outdoor BBQ with grandparents! It was stressful getting ready for it all.. But it was all worth it because she had a great time!

Other than that.. not much has changed! Except...one of my wishes have somewhat come true! ... I will tell you what that is, but first I will give you a little back ground!

I love peacocks, and ducks, and geese, and pretty much any animal! But for some reason I love peacocks so so much! So I told Cacey I wanted some... He told me NEVER!!! Because they are too loud...Which they are. I know this because a guy a couple blocks away has them and we can hear them at night when they talk to each other. :) But it's been funny because I imitate them all the time.. so now the girls do too! LOL.... Anyways... So this one peacock wanders around the neighborhood in the summer time. (I would assume not far from his house)... He used to have a mate, but she got ran over :( Sad I know... And since they only have one mate for life... He is now a lone ranger... Anyways.. I keep getting side tracked... So Cacey told me I will never have a peacock.. So we were driving down the street in our neighborhood and I saw a pair of ducks just waddlin along.... Immediately I looked at Cacey and say "OOOHHHHHHH BABE!!!!! I want ducks!!!! CAN WE GET SOME DUCKS!!! I LOVVVE THEMMMM!!!!!" his reply "Tank would LOVVVE them too!!! Tank would love them as a food baby in his Belly!!!" .... I said "He would love to play with them!" Cacey says "He would love to play with them in his belly!" ... I took this conversation as a no and left it alone.......

BUT!!!!!!!!! .......... On Monday morning I got up, walked out the door to go to work and GUESS WHAT?!!!! THE DUCKS WERE IN MY YARD!!!! YAY!!!!!! I was sooo happy! I took a picture and text Cacey immediately and told him the good news. He didn't get nearly as excited as I did.. Or still do when I talk about it lol.... AND GUESS WHAT ELSE?!!! THEY WERE BACK AGAIN TODAY! WAHOO! I'll take every other day! :) I was so happy, I fed them a hamburger bun! ... Maybe it will keep them coming back for more ;) Cross your fingers... and cross your fingers that one day I will have a set of peacocks! xxxxxxx

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Enjoy the day everyone and remember that life is most beautiful when seen through eyes of love! Spread the love and continue to smile! Times may be hard, and money may be tight, but no matter how poor we may be... We can always be rich in love! <3

Doggy Heaven/Hell

Hello everyone! I just thought I would take a few minutes and blog for a minute! This past week has been crazy! Cacey's dad turned 61 yesterday! So we went over there for a little get together! It was a lot of fun! Great food and wonderful family! His dad looks amazing for 61! And I am pretty sure he is in better shape than most 30 yr old!

LOL Other than that we have been working on the house.. Trying to get it organized for the girls to come back and visiting with families! We are also dog sitting Tiva while Dallas is in California for the week... Needless to say it has been a week full of sleepless nights and frustrating battles of getting them to listen! Tiva has definitely picked up some bad habits while living with Cacey's other brother! I hold his dogs fully responsible LOL. But she and Tank love each other! And they have so much fun together! We call her "Tanks girlfriend" :) . He will even save his food for her sometimes. Oh and she has decided that his Kennel is hers now. She sleeps in it all the time if the door is open. It is the weirdest thing! I am posting a picture to show you! Sorry so dark.. She kind of blends in with his blankets!



Also, Tank is now the proud owner of his own skateboard! :) The girl that used to own him said that he loved it... And we had just kept forgetting about it. But we went to Walmart the other day and finally got him one! He went nuts when he saw it! he LOVES it! he will literally bite your hand if you take it away from him! He doesn't really go straight on it yet.. but he can do some mean circles! LOL It's so cute!

I didn't have very much camera time left.. That is why it is so short! We love him though! And he becomes more fun every single day! :) Life it good people!




I hope everyone enjoys their weekend! I will! My childhood friend Sara is flying in tomorrow with a friend! It was just planned today as a matter of face! I will pick them up at the airport in the morning! I can't wait to see her! It's been too long!

Adios muchachas!

New in my world? Well lots actually! Life has been crazy busy for the past little while but I am loving it! Things are still going well with Cacey and me. So well that we have decided that I am going to move in there... Which really is not any different than it is right now, seeing that I have basically lived there since October... But we both feel it's a good idea. Mainly because marriage is such a big step. And I want to make sure that things will work out in the long run before I take that step. Things are allot different when you date someone with kids.... Dating Cacey is a completely new experience. I have never dating anyone like him. And I love him and I love his girls.. but if things were to go sour between us, I wouldn't be walking away from just him. I would walk away from his girls too! And I have faith in our relationship, but then again the only thing that is predictable in life is death itself! So we shall see ! I am really excited about it and so are the girls! Me and Cacey talked to the girls about it to make sure they would be ok with it....Rylee told me that the house is definitely going to be allot prettier now lol.. and Ariah just said.. So you are going to live here? Like full time??? LOL so I guess it's great to have both of their approvals! :)

Other than that we are just working on the house... I have been meaning to post pictures and I wish I would have taken before pictures but I didn't.. I know.. Shocking! But I will have to update with the progress thus far! We got the front yard looking really good! We ripped some trees down that were next to the front door! You would have never known there was a house behind them! lol. They were big ugly pine trees of some sort.. and then we have raked the yard and I have been planting flowers and what not! I love it! It's rewarding to see the hard work that you put into things!

In the back yard there are like a million leaves to rake up.. We have already raked up like 11 of the 55 gallon drum bags FULL of them! it is rediculous! And we still have half a yard left! cacey bought the house 2 years ago and the people there before him never did yard work! So the yard is in pretty bad shape! And last year he really only tackled the "needed" areas that were used allot! Which is completely understandable! It's been a looooong couple of weeks out side, but I am loving it!

Inside, the basement kitchen is almost finished! They are ready to sheet rock so that will be nice once that is done! Everything else is about lined up after that! But things have been going wrong or setting the time back so it's been a struggle there too! Some times it feels like nothing is getting done! But I know it has! And everything will happen and come together in time!

Me and Cacey at the Hockey Game


Ariah and KoKo at Chuck-E-Cheese


Jaxon and Tank playin.. Jaxon loves him! And Tank is really good with him.. Even though he is clumsy sometimes!



So that pretty much catches everyone up to speed! Life is good, love is great, and I am happy! :) I hope all is well with everyone and you have a beautiful day!

bottled up tears

Today I want to cry.. and I want this feeling to go away... The feeling where your heart feels like it's skipping offbeat and your stomach is trying to escape through your upper abdomen.... I want it to go away and the only way I know how to do that is to cry.. But what do you do when you feel like you can't cry to the one who you need at the moment?

I cry alone... I don't let people see me cry if I can help it... Well about the things that truly upset me and affect me....

I feel alone.... I really wish Chelsea were here because I know that seeing her and talking with her would make me feel a little better. Sometimes I really do feel like she is the only person that gets me entirely... The only person that understands what I am saying without being offended. And sometimes I feel like she is the only one I can express myself to completely. Sometimes I feel like she knows how I am feeling better than I do.

I feel disappointed in the face that I am upset and the reasononing behind it is misunderstood.... and I feel alone... 2 feelings that don't mix well together.....

Tomorrow will be a better day... Lets hope.