Road to recovery

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning. But anyone can start today and make a new ending."

As of lately that has become my new favorite saying. I have really been trying to find that woman who is deep down inside and do the things that make me happy. Yes... I HAVE been selfish. And yes.. I HAVE been putting my feelings first for a while now. But you know what? I really feel good about it. Because in doing so, I have found a sense of wholeness that I never knew was there.

A good friend of mine, and someone that I admire most in my life told me once that "You can never be truly happy with someone, if you yourself aren't happy first." And ever since he said that, it has stuck with me. I know that I am not perfect. I know I make mistakes on a daily basis. But I am becoming the best me that I can. I am proud of myself for finally being able to be selfish enough to put myself first. Because if I hadn't been... I wouldn't be in this state of mind. I wouldn't have "x'd" out the negative people in my life. And I wouldn't have been able to push forward.

I have started talking to a counselor. And tho I have only seen her once, I already feel a sense of relief. I can't wait to go back. It's nice to have an outsiders look on things.... Someone who can not judge your past or the people in it. But the thing I look forward to most, is learning the tools that make it easier to make wiser decision... To be happier in my mind, and heart. Vincent Van Gogh said that " As we advance in life it becomes more and more difficult, but in fighting the difficulties the inmost strength of the heart is developed." ... I can't even begin to tell you how true this statement is for me. I honestly have felt a sense of peace in my heart. I do still struggle at times. But I have noticed that if I am positive in my thinking, and remember all the things I have to be grateful for I am much happier throughout the day.

I have started to feel confident in myself and the choices that I am making. I know that allot of people wouldn't understand some things about my life at the moment. But I don't expect them to. Nor do I care if they do. Because I know the people who care most about me will look past certain things, and see that I am in a good place in my life. I am surrounding myself with people who I feel bring out the best in me.... People who for the first time, have made me feel like I can be myself and be accepted. People who genuinely care about me. So if you are going to comment on the decisions I am making right now... Please keep your comments to yourself. I don't have the desire to listen to you tell me about the mistakes you think I am making. I am on the road to recovery... And I find myself smiling everyday. And that is all I can truly ask for.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend! Get out and enjoy the beautiful weather while it lasts!

Bye for now
xoxo- Nicki

Happy Birthday Ambi Bambi!

I can't believe my big sister is already 25! Holy cow! It seems like just yesterday we were fighting over who had to "do the blue bathroom and who got to do the green bathroom" :) ... We have had our rough patches and been to the point of almost hating eachothers guts! But... through it all I still have to say I was blessed with the most amazing sister anyone could ask for. So in honor of her... I will list off 22 things that I find most memorable about her... 21 reasons because I am 21. And one extra because she bore the most amazing person in my life :)

Drumb roll please!!!!!............

22. I will never forget the time you made dad's voice go 3 octives higher and jab the vaaccuum into the corner of your bedroom because of the spiders on steroids that were right by him. LOL I can still picture it. He was so brave and we still didn't think we were safe on your bed.

21. The Christmas you gave me Bath Time Fun Kelly... and I walked in on you wrapping it so you gave it to me then. You always do give the best presents :)

20. The time that we were fighting and I wanted to run away. So I packed up a little bag and grabbed the 2 white puppies and cried my way out the door. And you told me to wait, because mom would get mad if the puppies were gone. Then you took them away from me. And I just cried by the stop sign because I had no where to go.

19. Playing night games with the entire neighborhood... Until you were too cool to play.

18. Going to your clogging practices. I wanted to be just like you. That is why I signed up.. Then I figured out it was not my cup of tea.

17. Jumping on the tramp in the duplex at night the night I got the flu. I remember got really sick almost instantly. And you could tell so you walked me inside and took care of me until I went to bed.

16. The time we played cops and robbers and you I picked up the shoe and you ran past me and knocked the shoe in my face smearing poo all over my face. I still gag everytime I smell that fresh dog poo smell. Ugh.... But it was totally worth it, because I still laugh at the whole senario in my head when I picture puking in the toilet while mom puked in the tub. LOL

15. Making the club house with you, Kris, and Chels.

14. Hanging out with you on Valentine's Day when I was 15. It was fun to see you on that different level.

13. You teaching me how to drive a stick shift. You laughed at me every time I killed it in traffic because I would panic.

12. I will never forget when I was 15 and going through a really rough time. And you told me how you felt the first time you held me in the hospital.

11. Every time you would walk down the hall and burp really loud. And mom would say " You are never going to find a boyfriend if you keep doing that! "

10. The time you yelled at that girl when I was in 3rd grade because she invited everyone to her birthday but me.

09. Or the time you yelled at Megan at the bus stop because Will was mean to me.

08. Going to girls camp with you. I liked to be around you. You were always making sure I was ok. And that I was having fun.

07. The time you took me to the dunes with you when you were first hanging out with Dustin. I felt privilaged that I had finally earned that right!

06. Doing chores together as punishment. lol... oh man...

05. Going to the gym with you every night when I was in middle school.

04. This past year when I called you crying because I had no where else to go. And you stayed up with me and talked to me until I was ok. Even though you were pregnant and had to work in the morning.

03. When I found out you were pregnant with Jaxon.

02. The first time I felt him kick.

01. And my favorite memory by far would have to be staying at the hospital with you the night Jaxon was born. That was the day that my perspective on life changed. And the night that you brought the most wonderful person in my life into the world.


Amber, I want you to know that I really do love you so much. I will never be able to tell you how much of an impact you have had on my life. You have always been here for me. And I am so blessed to have a sister who loves me so much. I know we have had our rough times. But I also know that I feel closer to you more and more every day.

Thank you for always protecting me from bullies, or DB boyfriends. Thank you for not judging me and understanding that I am different. And thank you for accepting me for being that person. Thank you for giving me advice... and your opinion... Even when I didn't want to hear it :) Thank you for always making me feel welcome in your home. Thank you for not only being a great sister.. But one of the best friends I could ask for. And last but certainly not least... Thank you for bringing Jaxon into this world! I love him so much! And he is so lucky to have such a great mommy!



I hope you have a great day sis! And I hope you always know that having you in my life means the world to me! I love you!

Love, your baby sister

Ok so I don't even remember the last time I wrote on here... So I guess it is now time to.... My life the past couple of weeks has been one hell of a roller coaster ride! LOL... With my best friend moving out of state... My job, and juggling my personal life I actually had a mental break down. It was crazy... I have not experienced that in a while! But I am back on my feet and moving forward in my life!

With Chelsea being gone it has been good for me to really stand on my own 2 feet. I have been having to deal with my problems head on instead of letting them untangle themselves. She was always there for me to have that "escape"... But right now with my life being this way.... I am learning things about myself that I didn't know were there.

2009 for me has definitely been the toughest year of my life. I always thouhgt that I could never feel the way I did when I broke up with my high school boyfriend... But this year has definitely shown me a whole new light on sadness and heart ache.... Facing those that have hurt me most and taking back control of my life has been something that I struggle with on a daily basis.

See, I have always been the person that puts other's feeling and needs first. Letting them become more important than my own. But I have learned over this past year that I can not be happy or enrich the live's of other's until I find myself. So I have had to start being selfish... I have had to start to ask myself questions in a different perspective.... I have always been able to see things from all different perspectives. And I think that is part of my problem. It is hard for me to seperate what I KNOW is real from what is not good for me... Because I get so caught up in how the other person sees things. And why they think the way they do. And that is how I get so mixed up and end up back at square one on this trip to self discovery! But I have had allot of great talks with some really admirable people and hopefully now I will be able to grasp the tools I need to stay strong and weed out the negative people in my life!

With all the muck that I have been splashed with in my life this past year... I have also been blessed with so much! Cheslea and I have become closer than we were when she lived here! I have gotten closer to a few friends and I couldn't be happier with that situation! I have been spending more time with my family which I have thoroughly enjoyed! And I get to spend Friday's with my nephew. And that is something that I look forward to more than anything! I really do love him so much that at times it overwhelms me... How can someone so young and innocent have so much impact on my life?! That is something that I don't know the answer to. But it is also something that I am so happy for. I have had so much fun watching him progress the past couple months! :) He amazes me every time I see him!

For me... this is my life.. I have made it what it is. And I am learning from every problem that I am faced with! I may not smile at all of the decisions that I make. Or welcome the consequences with open arms. But I will continue to find the happiness through all of the hard times. And fight the hard times head on.

Until next time.. I hope you all have a wonderful day! :)