Devastation Causing Appreciation

My emotions have been running high with all of the hype surrounding the bombings that occurred at the Boston Marathon. I feel like with everything going on in the media, Witnessing the shock wave of anxiety that has rippled across the country, I have started to see things in a different light.

It's sad to admit that sometimes it take horrific events to put ourselves in check and realize that maybe things aren't so bad; to appreciate what we have... what God has blessed out lives with.

It seems the older that I get, the more events such as the bombing, affect me. I remember when 9/11 hit, I was at a loss for words. But the older I got, the more I understood... and the more I began to feel. I started paying attention to the headlines in the news. I started to imagine what the family members felt about those who lost their lives that tragic day. I think at the young age of 13, it didn't effect me to an extent beyond remorse and sorrow, because I hadn't started thinking about my future yet. Now that I am older, I am affected by tragedies in ways I have never been able to imagine.

Monday afternoon was a regular Monday. I remember thinking to myself that I would rather be anywhere else than at work. "Boston Marathon Bomb Explosions" splashed across headlines: it was that moment that my though process changed about my day. Chaos had erupted and video footage of the hell that was happening reached me thousands of miles away. No longer did my mediocre day matter. No longer, had I wished to be anywhere else.

I thought to myself for the next couple of hours: how could something like this happen? Who would do something like this? Why would someone desire to inflict such pain and chaos in the lives of others? Questions like that when you are young, are hard to clarify to yourself in your own mind. Meaning, even when the answer is present, its still hard to grasp.

As I ask myself those questions now at the age of 25, I better understand my emotions and the reasoning behind them. Things like 9/11, the bombing in Boston, shootings in public settings happen because this is the reality of the world that we live in.

Life is crazy. Tragedy is a double edged sword. In the times where all is lost, we truly are found. We shed tears of sadness and tears of grief for the devastation that affects the world around us; and even though we may not directly feel the impact of a tragedy, we are impacted as a society. We are impacted as unit.

Sadness is felt for those left crying and cursing the world for the taking the life of someone that they loved. Anger is felt towards the person or persons responsible for the devastation that has shaken our communities... and confusion is felt regarding the heartless acts displayed against people whose lives were cut short.

But in the time of sadness, anger, and confusion a light is shed on the world... to those who choose to grasp it. A light is shed to make you appreciate the life you have; to be grateful that you aren't the one living in that moment of hell.

Tears sting my eyes at the thought of experiencing a moment such as that: losing someone that I love. having my life cut short before it has truly even begun. waking up and living life without TJ, who is my best friend and the person I desire to share my life with.

I can't imagine something happening to the ones I love most. I can't imagine Jaxon, Jayden, or Kason being taken away from this earth. I don't want to know what it is like to experience total devastation, watching my world and community as it is, crumble around me in an instant.  I pray each and every day that I may never have to experience anything like that. But even though I pray, one thing is certain; nothing is guaranteed.

My heart aches for those in mourning. My thoughts and prayers are with those that are angry and demand answers to their questions of "who, what, where, and why".  And my compassion for what they must feel, is endless; its hard to even imagine.

My gratitude is endless for everything I have been blessed with; Because even when I think my day is horrible, I need to remember that I am alive and surrounded by people that love me.

Be grateful for what you have, life is short, and sometimes we forget just how short it really is. <3

Memories Made......

This past weekend I was blessed enough to spend quality one on one time with TJ. With his work being in Alaska, his home in a different state, and his "days off" being limited, it leaves little time to see him in between. I truly value every second that I get to spend with him.

TJ has quickly grown to be one of my best friends.I feel blessed to have one thing that I have always wanted... a relationship with my best friend. I think it is important to be with someone whom you love and respect on a friendship level. It took us a while to get here, and I honestly can't say that I thought it ever would... But I am so glad that it did.

 

Over the weekend he left a lot of the decision making to me. I told him that I wanted to go downtown to see the lights at Temple Square. Actually, I specifically said " I want to go see the lights at Temple Square, drink hot cocoa, and hold hands". His response was "What is this the Notebook?" I was quick to say that it wasn't because it if was, I would have my house with blue shutters, and that clearly isn't the case right now.

Temple Square was great; the entire night was perfect. We started with dinner at Olive Garden, fought to find parking at Gateway, made a pit stop to Old Navy to buy two pairs of gloves for me, Almost saw a lady get hit by a car, people watched, gawked at the beautiful lights, strolled through City Creek, and had many laughs throughout the evening. In some way, not from a movie... it was the perfect night. I got to spend it with the one person whom I miss most.

It feels great to be in a healthy relationship. He makes me happy. He makes me laugh until my cheeks hurt. He is equally as goofy as I am, and I like knowing that I have a connection with him that he doesn't share with many others. He always makes me feel beautiful, and confident (not only in my appearance, but also in who I strive to become as a woman). He honestly makes me want to be a better person, and I love the sense of security I get just knowing that what we have is special.

Being with someone you don't see often is a challenge. There are days where I miss him so much that it hurts. But even when he is 2400 miles away, I feel good about my choice to take a chance on us. I feel proud to be his girlfriend. I am proud of him, and the man that he is. I am proud to show him off and to tell people about how happy he makes me.

I cherish the moments I spend with him, because they don't come very often. I value what we have, and I am grateful to have him in my life.

Cheers to the memories made with those that hold value in our lives.

The Magnetic Glow

I miss you today, like every other that you aren't around. Which in our case, is far more often than not. Having you in my life has brightened my world. Valuing your friendship, is something I find myself doing everyday. You are mine now. I like the way that rolls off of my tongue. I'm glad I don't have to share you, and I'm glad you trust me enough to let me into your life.

The past year and a half has been such a roller coaster ride. Dating, finding myself, balancing work and family life... Piecing myself back together..... At times, this year and a half has seemed like an eternity. Looking back now however, its been a breeze. Having you in my life has somehow grounded me. You have been that constant in my life that I have found myself looking to for answers... assurance... in a sense, that everything will be OK.

You have this magnetic pull on me. You always have; I have told you this. I have never understood it. Even in the spurs where we haven't spoken for extended periods of time, I found myself thinking about you. I remember that day seven season changes ago when you appeared out of no where. I had no idea that this time later, we would be where we are today.

What I do know, is that I am forever grateful for you. I am forever grateful to know that you haven't gone anywhere and that we are both much stronger individuals than we were those seven seasons ago. We have grown so much on our own, while supporting one another. That to me, is something I will cherish always.

Life is crazy. God works in ways that we can't explain. He places others in our lives for a reason, season, or a life time. With you however, He has placed you in my life for a reason, multiple seasons... and if I'm lucky... a lifetime.

I don't expect anyone to understand why I have decided to be in a relationship with someone that I hardly ever see, nor do I care to share the details. They can't see how you make me feel. You make me smile, even being thousands of miles apart. I'm happy to know that I am yours. You make me feel beautiful and confident. My admiration for you radiates from within.... Having you in my life, fills me with comfort.... Having you in my life, makes my heart glow.

That's more than enough for me.

Mine

You make me happy. Being with you, as strange as our relationship may be, feels right. You are the person that makes me feel complete. You are the one who has my heart; you have since I began piecing myself together a year and a half ago.

I know things between us, our situation, are complicated. But with you, is where I want to be. You make me feel comfortable with myself, you make me feel secure in who I am. You make me feel beautiful and sexy. You make me feel like I think a woman should. I value what we have. I value that we are building a relationship on the foundation of a friendship.

I love who you are and I am proud to be a part of your life.

To the person who I always miss, I miss you still, but smile because I can call you mine.

The three P's :)

Twisting, turning, winding, bending.... Those are the words I would use to describe the direction that my life is going at the moment. Lately I have been learning that even though its hard to take accountability for the things you feel disrupt your life, its shouldn't break the person you wish to be. Life is about experience; its about accomplishments, failures, hardships, and loss. Life is about learning to be someone you feel is a better version of yourself from who you were a day before. Those who judge you based on your past shouldn't be in your present and future. Today is a different day. Sometimes all it takes is waking up and realizing that you don't want to be that person anymore. Tho its hard to change, and it doesn't happen over night; Little steps can be taken each day to improve on the person you are.

There is no perfection in life. There is no "end" to the story. The only thing constant in life is change. Changing for the better is what we always hope for.

I have made mistakes recently. I have said things and done things that I am not proud of; but what I remind myself of is this..... Yesterday was in the past, today is the beginning of my future. My future is bright simply because I choose to make it that way.

My life is messy. I am not perfect. I have made mistakes. I will continue to make mistakes, but I will not allow myself to be brought down because of the fears I have of what others' think of me. The only person who can really judge me, is myself. I am my own worst critic and I am the only one who determines my happiness. Its time to make that happiness a constant in my life. Its time to close the last chapter in my book of life, and start writing a new one; the time is now.

Prayer, positivity, and passion.... Those are the three things I will strive to make constant in my life as of now. Prayer for support, positivity for balance, and passion for change and all of the things good in my life.

"Life ain't always beautiful, but its a beautiful ride."

................... Happy fall y'all ;)

My drum, My happiness, My parade.

Life experiences.... Lately, I think it is less of a plural and more of a singular kind of thing. To me, I learn something new about myself on a daily basis. I feel like I have become a much stronger person over the course of the past 3-4 years; a great deal of that growth has come in the past year a lone. Being single has allowed me to have a relationship with myself. Its allowed me to see myself for what I am worth, not for the worth I wish to be in someone else's life. My mind is stronger, my thought process is more clear, my heart is bigger, and my level of happiness radiates beyond imaginable.

Lately others have been asking me what is so different about me. I tell them its simple, I am happy. Granted I have lost over 20 lbs., but I honestly just feel like by soul searching and taking care of myself mentally and emotionally, I have become a better version of myself. I care less about people that are only around to benefit themselves; I exercise my mind and body more; I surround myself by others that motivate me and seem to bring out the "glow" within me. I don't talk much about my feelings to others, I don't think that will change. What has changed most is that I accept myself for the person that I am. I feel like there is always room for improvement on one's self. But my love for myself, isn't going to change unless is becomes greater.

It hits you hard when you realize the value you hold in one's life. Whether that value be gold, or of rusted metal, it shows you a little bit about yourself. By that I don't mean that their perception of you should factor in on how you value you worth; I mean that depending on how you take that interpretation, you can learn a lot about yourself.

I know my worth, I know I am a good person and deserve to be happy. I will not settle for less than that, relationship wise, or friendship wise. I value myself. I value my heart, and I value my feelings towards life and myself.

Right now, I am not searching for anything other than who I am. I have always said that; but I think I'll always be searching. To me, the journey of self discovery is one that is endless. People change, time changes, experiences shape us and mold our minds in to different forms of ourselves. Or maybe, its just me. Either way, I am not worried about the journey of others... Unless their journey of self discovery crosses the path of my own. Until then, I march to the beat of my own drum, and dance through the rain of my own parade.

Happy Fall.... May you surround yourself with others whose presence cause your love and happiness to radiate.

Cheers to Chelsea

"Hi my name is Chelsea, do you want to be my friend?" That was the first sentence that my best friend of countless years ever spoke to me. Seventeen birthdays later, and she is still my best friend. I can not thank God enough for bringing that little blue eyed, curly haired, ruffled sock, poofy dressed, ballerina bun headed tomboy in to my life. Who would have thought that several moves, the most heart wrenching of heart breaks, and almost 20 years later she would still be in my life?

We are polar opposites in more ways than we are similar, but we understand each other perfectly. We can tell if something is wrong with the other just by the sound of each other's voice. We claim each others families' as our own.I can't remember a Christmas morning that hasn't had her family in it since the first year we met.

States away, miles apart... She has been there for me in some of the worst moments of my life. She has been the shoulder that I cried on until I had nothing left in me. She has helped me see the lights in my darkest hours.She has helped me realize my worth and been inspiration to never settle for less than what I deserve. 

She has been a part of most of the memories which I cherish most.... I would be lost without her in my life.

She is beautiful inside and out and has one of the biggest hearts of anyone you will ever cross. She is selfless, genuine, hard on the exterior with a heart of gold. She is unorganized, goes with the flow, and hardly ever panics or plans... But that is why we work so well. She is the balance in our friendship; she really is my polar opposite. 

I could go on for days about how much her being a part of my life means to me. I could go on for years about the memories she is a part of in my life. And I could go on for eternity about the wonderful person that she is. But the fact is, if you haven't met her, you are missing out. I thank the Lord every day for being able to call her my friend. I can't imagine the person I would be if she never asked to be my friend that day in our single digit years. I can't imagine what my life would be like if we had lost touch somewhere after that. She has given me more over the years than I would ever be able to repay her for. I am a better person because of the example she sets for me. She is the best friend I never asked for, and the support in my life I wouldn't know how to function without.

Happy Birthday to one of the best people in my life. Thank you for being the spit fire, balls to the walls, tender hearted, genuine friend that you are. Thank you for always being yourself, and showing others that its important to never lose the person that they are under any circumstances. You are part of the reason I am the woman I am today. I am a better person for having your support in times of the good, the bad, and the in between. I can't even begin to describe how much our friendship means to me. I truly would be lost without you in my life. You deserve all that is great.

<3 <3 <3 Cheers to the past, present, and the years to come. <3 <3 <3