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I haven't really felt like blogging lately... Either I have been too busy, or just can't find the words for how I feel. So instead, I read what other people write.

Lately I have felt extremely stressed and super emotional. I don't talk about it because it's kind of just one of those things I have to figure out on my own. My dreams have been crazy though... I think that has something to do with it. I hate how much my dreams can effect my mood and the thoughts that go on in my mind.

Today tho, I don't feel stressed. I just feel sad.

Wildflowers, Meteor Showers, Wilflife.. OH YEAH!

A couple of weeks ago Cacey and I went on a camping with his dad, his girlfriend Kathy, and some of their friends. We stayed in a camp ground Called Albion Basin that is located in the Wasatch National Forest. It right above the Alta ski resort and around this time each year the wildflowers there are at the peak of their bloom. So during the day there is a pretty heavy flow of hikers. It's absolutely beautiful up there. Cacey and I had gone to the Wildflower Festival there last year around this time for a "wildflower walk". I loved it and had been dying to go back ever since. So when his parents invited us up I couldn't resist!

Everything about the weekend trip was absolutely perfect from the fresh air to the weather. There was a slight breeze during the day, and no wind in the evening. The air was so thin and fresh that you could immediately breath better the moment you stepped out of the truck. But what else would you expect at 9,500 feet elevation right? :) And the weather... *sigh*... The weather was simply wonderful! It was clear sky's day and night! We were even lucky enough to catch the last day of a meteor shower up there! It was beautiful! The meteors and falling stars we did see were bright white streaks across the pitch black canvas of night! It was nice falling asleep looking at the sky while listening to the faint chirps of the crickets around us.

Each morning we woke up to coyotes, pot guts, and all different kinds of birds. There were pot guts everywhere in our camp! Some people might have been appalled by the "rodents". But to me they seemed like "city" pot guts. They weren't afraid of us and they knew exactly how to open up our tub-a-ware bins full of food! We saw wood peckers, finch's and even a camera shy Blue Jay! I was really excited about the Blue Jay because I hadn't seen one since I was about 8-9 yrs old. His feathers were exquisite shades of the sky on a clear day, and the ocean on a starless night. It didn't matter whether he was in the sun or shade, he always shimmered. It was nice to wake up smiling as I watched the animals around me and listened to baby coyotes imitate the howl of their mother. I wish I could start my day off like that every morning.

After a weekend filled with endless laughs and beautiful scenery it was time to pack up and leave. And tho a part of me wanted to stay, there was another part of me that was already thinking about how wonderful it was going to be next year. I would like to think that it will top this years trip. But it's going to be pretty hard since this trip went above and beyond any expectations I had for it before.

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As of lately my heart constantly feels like it's going to explode. My emotions are on edge... And my eyes don't see things in vivid color and detail. I don't know what it wrong with me. I feel confused. Foggy... Numb. I don't know how to fix this. I don't know how to fix me.....

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OVER EMOTIONAL.... That is the only way to describe the way that I feel lately. What does it make you when you feel more comfortable helping others sort out their problems rather than tend to your own?

Good question right? I would love some enlightenment.

Lately I feel like I go through extreme highs and lows. I constantly debate with myself about certain things in my life... Big things. Things that I guess I feel in a way I lose something. What do you do when you are faced with a problem like that?

I have been trying to improve on myself as a person. I have been trying to think of the things that make me most happy. And for the most part, I have it all. But I still feel like something is missing. I believe know what it is, but I don't feel ready for it yet. So for now it sits on the back burner in my mind.

Putting that one thing on the back burner breaks my heart and makes my eyes well up with tears... But thinking about what I will possibly be giving up to get it, leaves me anxious, incomplete and sick to my stomach...... How do you decide which feeling is more important to listen to?

And if you go with one decision, how do you know it is the right decision? I guess you never know until you go down that path.... I just wish my cards would reveal if I would ever truly get the best of both worlds.

speak for myself.. Probably not

I haven't written in a while which I am completely aware of. Life has been crazy the past couple of months and my head has been in the clouds. There is so much going on mentally, but I don't know how to get any of it out. What I feel and what my hands type just haven't been connected lately. There have been times I wanted to get on here and write about something and refrained because I didn't want to sound like a "Debbie Downer" ... And other times, I wanted to write but haven't been able to place the way I feel with the correct words. So instead of writing, I read what others have to say. It makes me feel better. And allot of the time, they say something that I can relate to.. I guess in way it's kind of like a "pick-me-up" .. Not always uplifting, But honest... Which is what I believe I need most right now.....

My life is good. I have a great boyfriend, a wonderful family, and amazing friends... But every year I go through this "phase" if that is what we want to call it.... Will there ever come a time where I don't feel this way?

Something is missing in me. Something is incomplete.

Hello!!!!!! :) Just thought I would update the blog since it has been a while! Allot has been going on... Mostly just doing stuff around the house! The basement is almost done! Just waiting on cabinets now... So we have been focusing on the outside!

Last week I got an incentive award from work for doing such a great job.. Their words not mine! But I was super excited and I figured instead of buying clothes or something like that.. I would take a little bit of the money and buy some compost for the yard and use the rest of it for bills!

So I decided to put together a little compilation of the yard with all of the changes!

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Things are not complete yet! But I am so happy with the way things are turning out! We had some help from the girls and Tank! :) Yes believe it or not he was helping rip down trees! ... We had a dumpster dropped off a couple weeks ago on a rainy Tuesday! :) It was so much fun piling all the limbs and leaves in there! It was a perfect way to spend a day with Cacey and work together! We make a great team!

We have also been having allot of camp fires. Cacey's brother gave us like a bbq pit.. but we have been using it as a fire pit since we got it.. The girls have loved it! We have roasted smores and hot dogs on it a couple times in the past week!

Other than that not much is new! Just keeping busy at work and keeping busy at home! But lovin every minute of it!

Hope you all have a wonderful day! :)

The reasons for my smiles

“We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have.”

Over the past year I have been asked on numerous occasions by many people "How am I so positive and happy all the time?" Well the answer is simple.... What is there in my life that I don't have to be happy and positive about? I feel extremely lucky to have what I do... Extremely lucky to look at my life everyday and smile about it... And honestly I DO do that.

I love my life! I love the person that I am inside and for the most part outside too lol.. I have worked hard to gain the emotional stability that I have in my life right now. I have worked hard to understand that there truly is and never WAS anything wrong with me... That I should be myself and not make changes for other people. I learned to love myself completely and that I am capable of being loved unconditionally....

A year ago from now, I was a mess... I was depressed, angry, bitter, sad, and lonely... All because I let someone else's life become more important than my own... And tho I can say it was one of my biggest mistakes of my life... I have to be thankful for that as well. Because going through what I did, and being with Justin, made me realize that I hated everything about the person that I was! It made me realize how weak I was to be with such a (pardon my french) dip shit! Because really that is what he was! It took me months to realize that I was dying inside... And that I needed to let myself let him go! Even after I broke it off with him, it took me months to completely rid him from my life! So that makes me a dip shit! LOL.... But ya know....It is the knowledge that I gained and the people that stuck by me through that time, that I have to smile about!

So in honor of them... Here is a list along with some explanations as to why I love my life so much!

The reasons for my smiles!

1. I have the most amazing families in the world! I feel so blessed to have such a wonderful support system on both my side of the family, and Caceys! I love all of my parents and I feel lucky to have such great role models to look up to!

2. I also have the best siblings in the world! My sister is one of a kind and I love her more than I can ever explain. She has become one of my best friends and someone that I look up to more than anyone! And Cacey's brothers and sister are all so much fun to be around! And they are filled with so much love! They have always made me feel welcome! And I can't help but smile at knowing how close they are to each other!

3. My nephew... Aawwh the kid just makes my heart melt! He truly is the one thing that I love most in life! Just having him around makes me gaga! He is always going to have me wrapped around his finger! He has from his very first breath into this world! Every day I love him more and more!

4. My friends... They are so supportive and so loyal to me! I couldn't ask for any better! I know that they have my best intentions at heart... And really that is all I need! I trust them with all my heart!

5. My heart belongs to the person who I know loves me more than anyone could... I am with someone who treats me like I have always known I should be. I am with my best friend who loves me and respects me for all of who I am, was and will be in the future! Cacey is my better half. Every day since the day he walked into my life, he has helped me be a better person. I love my life with him in it. And I love our life we have made together thus far... I can't wait to start a new chapter and take notes of things as we start a new journey together now that he is FINALLY legally divorced!

6. Cacey's girls... What is not to love about them?! They are so great! And I love having them in my life! I knew them before I knew Cacey, and they were a riot even then! :) I love when they come home for the week! It's so nice to hear their laughter fill the house and get all of those hugs and kisses... And all of the "I Love You's"... Who would have ever thought that at the age of 22 you could love someone else's kids as if they were your own? .... Who would have ever thought that this life I was so afraid of... would be the one thing I would be most afraid of losing?

I have embraced who I am and the choices I have made. I smile every day because I choose to. I am the maker of my life.. And the creator of my own happiness. I have wonderful people in my life that radiate with joy and love. I love those that show me they love me... And I don't let others hold me back.... Settling for less than I deserve or waiting around to see a change is not in my vocabulary anymore.... Life is about what you make it out to be.... So I guess the next time someone asks me "Why I am so happy all the time"... I will just simply say "Because I choose to be"

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