One Year Later

I look at my life and where I was on April 24, 2011, and I can't help but be proud of where I stand today. Numb, angry, lost, tired...broken... That is what I remember feeling a year ago today. The day that Cacey and I parted ways is referred to as the worst day of my life. And in ways, it was....It was the first time in my life I had I had felt like I truly failed at something that really meant something to me.... I still tear up today when I think about it, but I cry for different reasons now. Since then, I have experienced a roller coaster of emotions and events.

I have said goodbye and knowingly had my "last kiss". I have left a family, a home, a life with someone I thought (at least for a while) would be the one to walk me down the isle. I have boxed up memories, burned others. I have spent countless nights trying to figure out what went wrong, no matter how much I knew it wouldn't change anything. I have been angry, bitter, lonely, lost and broken all over again. "Broken" will always be a part of my cycle on how I cope with things.

To be broken isn't always a bad thing. To me, it's key in reconstruction. It gives you the option to "fix" who you are, or to demolish who you were and rebuild who you are from scratch. In the past, I have gone down the road of "fixing". This time, I demolished for reconstruction.... This time, I have learned that the construction of myself is a life long process.

I'm not perfect and there are plenty of days I get discouraged and think that my life is nothing like I thought it would be at the age of 24. I always felt I would be married, have kids, or at least be engaged and planning that next chapter of my life. Sure, I may be single, not ready for marriage, and definitely not ready for children... But I find myself smiling more than I ever have before. I have made more memories, laughed more and loved more in the past year than I ever remember in my short 24 years of life. That to me is living, because it's the little things each day that make the memories in which I will smile about tomorrow.

Today I am full of love, gratitude, strength, self worth, happiness and understanding. I love my life, and I love myself. I love the friendships I have created, strengthened and gained this past year. I love knowing that the power of prayer does work and that laughter and love are contagious. I love knowing that I don't need a companion to determine my happiness and that I am comfortable in my skin. I love knowing that this year I have so many wonderful things to look forward to... So many memories to make and so many smiles to share. I love looking at the world through eyes filled with love once again, because seeing the world through eyes of love is a world like no other.... I love so many things about this year, but the one thing I love most about it is that I am the one that got me here. Cacey said that one day I would understand and thank him for letting me go because he held me back. He was wrong, I will never thank him for that because he made that decision for me. What I do understand from all of this is what is key, and that is that I am the one that determines my own happiness. And this year, I have done exactly what I said I would... I have started a lifelong journey of self love and self happiness. I have learned that I am lovable and that my time will come. But until it does, I am perfectly content living in, and loving this beautiful mess of a life.