Christmas Eve will make it eight months from the day Cacey and I said our big goodbye. I feel like the past eight months have flown by so quickly that I haven't really been able to process what my life has been like since we said our final good bye. I have experienced more mixed emotions in the past couple of months, than I have in all previous relationships/heartaches combined. I'm not upset about it. I feel like its been good for me. Cacey is a big part of the woman that I am today. His girls will be forever imprinted on my heart. My love for him, will always be held on a level that I can't explain.
He was my "first" for a lot of things. He was my first honest relationship. He was the first person to make ME put MYSELF first. He was the first person to tell me that creating art should be done because you feel passionate about it, not to make money. He was the first person that I had a family with, even though his kids weren't "technically" my own.
I loved Cacey. I loved him as he was because he loved me as I was when we found each other. I didn't have to hide pieces of my past in fear that he wouldn't understand. He allowed me to be honest with him from the beginning, and I think that is why we were able to communicate so openly. Amongst all of the things he was my "first" for, he was the first one to hurt just as much as I did when we realized that is wasn't going to work.
Walking away from our life on Easter Sunday was heart wrenching. The levels of sadness and anger I felt, were unimaginable up until that point in my life. Trying to process the "whys" and "hows" didn't get me anywhere. I was sad because I wasn't ready to let go... Even tho deep down, I knew it was time. I was upset because I didn't understand how you could just fall out of love with someone.... I still don't understand it, but I am no longer trying to understand it.
Someone once told me that "there is only one kind of love and if you can't love someone enough to spend the rest of your life with them, then you never truly loved them at all".... I feel sorry for that person and anyone else who is narrow minded enough to believe the same. I feel they are pessimistic towards love because they are too afraid of opening up their heart enough for it to be broken.
Love is the one thing that changes the way you see the world. When in love, the world has a certain glow about it. Colors are vibrant and beautiful, everything seems perfect. When you lose love, those colors become dull and blend together. It isn't until you search for love that the world slowly brightens, but this time the colors are different. When there is no love, everything seems black and white.
Love to me, is like creating a masterpiece. For each time you find love, fall out of love or search for love.. a work of art is created. Some people choose to live in the future and forget about the past, which only allows them one canvas to paint their masterpiece on. For me its different. I use a different canvas for each phase of my life. If it were on a single canvas, you wouldn't be able to see the layers of who I am or what I have felt throughout my life. The way I see it is that in the end, I'll still have my masterpiece...Just all canvases strategically placed to create one ultimate piece of art.
I would rather be passionate and daring enough to risk getting my heart broken multiple times. could never be narrow minded enough to believe the world is painted in black and white. My past is filled with canvases painted in bright colors and also in dull shades of blues and grays.The canvas I am painting now is filled with warm blues and greens. Shades of blues to represent the emotions in which consume me from time to time.. and greens to represent new growth in finding love within.
My masterpiece may seem like too much for some people. It may be too scattered and messy, but to me its beautiful.... It's my beautiful mess.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Thursday, December 1, 2011
reversed repulsion
They say that people walk in and out of your life for a reason, and in most cases.. those that walk out aren't worth letting back in. How does one decide if that is truly the case?
I am a firm believer in following the heart. It doesn't mean that it always puts me on the path that is right for me in the long run.. But how do we truly know if those paths that "feel right" at that moment... won't one day lead us to the path that is ultimately right for us? And even more... How do we truly know what is right for us?.... Doubts fill heads of even those who seem to have the "perfect life" or the "perfect relationship" every once in a while.
The last couple of weeks have been somewhat refreshing for me. Someone from my past whom I had ill feelings towards contacted me. As soon as I saw the name, my heart sunk into my stomach and my eyes welled with tears. I hadn't spoken to this person in over two years, and I hadn't thought anything positive about this person in longer than that. In talking with them, they apologized for all of the negative things said and done to me. They told me that I was a big part of their life and thanked me for all I had done.... I was at a loss for words because in conversations prior to this one, something was said to me that left a whole in my heart. Needless to say, I had been carrying that conversation with me for over two years, and it had been weighing me down for no one to see, just for me to feel.
As I read the apology, my stomach turned. I wasn't sure how to take it. I mean, obviously we didn't have the best track record. Nonetheless, I told this person that their apology meant a lot to me, especially considering what was said to me the last time we spoke.... They didn't remember saying those things, but apologized to me anyways and told me that none of it was true and that they were sorry for hurting me. I honestly thought my bitter taste for them would never go away, but I am proud to say that I no longer feel that stinging hatred towards this individual.
It's interesting how much time and maturity can heal a person. I don't think that either one of us are the same people that we were just a few years ago. I don't know if I would have been able to truly let go of that anger, had I not experienced "life" as it was after they closed the chapter of "our life".
I can't say what my future holds, or if this person will be a significant part of my life... All I know is that in talking to them, I was able to let go of a part of me and a past that I didn't know how to release myself from.
... People walk in and out of our lives for a reason.... The experiences we share with them help mold who we become..... And how they effect us in the present, determine whether or not they make it to our future. How far they make it exactly, is yet to be determined.
Uncertainty of what fills my future will always be in the back of my mind. But right now, in the present... I can confidently say that I am happy with life. I am happy with me.
I am a firm believer in following the heart. It doesn't mean that it always puts me on the path that is right for me in the long run.. But how do we truly know if those paths that "feel right" at that moment... won't one day lead us to the path that is ultimately right for us? And even more... How do we truly know what is right for us?.... Doubts fill heads of even those who seem to have the "perfect life" or the "perfect relationship" every once in a while.
The last couple of weeks have been somewhat refreshing for me. Someone from my past whom I had ill feelings towards contacted me. As soon as I saw the name, my heart sunk into my stomach and my eyes welled with tears. I hadn't spoken to this person in over two years, and I hadn't thought anything positive about this person in longer than that. In talking with them, they apologized for all of the negative things said and done to me. They told me that I was a big part of their life and thanked me for all I had done.... I was at a loss for words because in conversations prior to this one, something was said to me that left a whole in my heart. Needless to say, I had been carrying that conversation with me for over two years, and it had been weighing me down for no one to see, just for me to feel.
As I read the apology, my stomach turned. I wasn't sure how to take it. I mean, obviously we didn't have the best track record. Nonetheless, I told this person that their apology meant a lot to me, especially considering what was said to me the last time we spoke.... They didn't remember saying those things, but apologized to me anyways and told me that none of it was true and that they were sorry for hurting me. I honestly thought my bitter taste for them would never go away, but I am proud to say that I no longer feel that stinging hatred towards this individual.
It's interesting how much time and maturity can heal a person. I don't think that either one of us are the same people that we were just a few years ago. I don't know if I would have been able to truly let go of that anger, had I not experienced "life" as it was after they closed the chapter of "our life".
I can't say what my future holds, or if this person will be a significant part of my life... All I know is that in talking to them, I was able to let go of a part of me and a past that I didn't know how to release myself from.
... People walk in and out of our lives for a reason.... The experiences we share with them help mold who we become..... And how they effect us in the present, determine whether or not they make it to our future. How far they make it exactly, is yet to be determined.
Uncertainty of what fills my future will always be in the back of my mind. But right now, in the present... I can confidently say that I am happy with life. I am happy with me.
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