My life in the now....

My life as of lately......My life lately consists of: chaos, school, work, gym (very little), family, crafting, friends, sunsets, sunrises, rainstorms, smiles, love, novels, swimming, birthdays, and good conversations.

Jaxon turned three on June 4, 2012.... He is the one to first shed some light on to this world that I often refer to as my beautiful mess. He changed my life forever. My view on love and what it was non existent until the day that he was born. Since then, I have grown to love him more and more each day. He is 1/3 of the most important piece of my life.

Jayden and Kayson celebrated their first birthday on July 21,2012. They are the missing 2/3 of the most important piece of my life. It amazes me how much one baby entering this world can change your life, add one extra and it really is just "that much harder".

Living at home, with all of my "room mates" really is difficult sometimes. We don't always see eye to eye. We fight and get annoyed with one another. But, rather than look at it as a burden, I try to see it as a blessing. I get to be a part of my niece and nephews live's in a way that I wouldn't have gotten to if I never left Cacey, or decided to move out on my own right after that. Every day, their laughter and kisses softens my heart in a way that I can only compare to what it would be like if they were my own kids. They complete me.

Rather than spending time trying to figure out what direction my life should be going, I have been spending more time letting it flow on its own. I spend less time worrying about things and more time enjoying them. I spend more weekends with no make up. I spend less time worrying about the calories I am taking in, and spend more time savoring the flavors I love most. I spend less time worrying about getting a sun tan, and more time watching the sun set or listening to thunderstorms. I read more, and sometimes make an ass out of myself and I laugh out loud during cardio sessions while reading books by Chelsea Handler. I care more about my self... And even less about what other's think of me. I struggle in school and complain about how difficult it is... But I am so happy that I am going to classes. I get lonely, but I realize that its better to be lonely sometimes, than feel as lonely as I did in a relationship two years ago. I love myself and I enjoy my life. I love good conversations and enjoy cool summer nights..... And though my life isn't exactly where I thought it would be a few years ago... Its a better life than I thought it could be.

Savor the moments, cherish the little things that make you smile. You never know what tomorrow brings...

The next chapter

Life. It's crazy. In an instant, it can take off like wildfire. As of lately, my life seems  to have done just that. School, gym, family, friends, work. Repeat same tasks, but in a different order. My life, in a a few words: Messy, complicated, simple, beautiful. Its funny to me that all of the words I use to describe my life are complete opposites, yet they mesh so well.

I'm in love with smiles, I'm in love with laughing. I'm in love with the good days, and I embrace the bad. Because in some weird way, even the bad days are beautiful. After all, without the bad we never know how sweet the good truly is. I have surpassed the bad, I'm relishing in the good. I'm savoring the moments when my smile dances across my face and the memories those smiles make..

My life is carefree. I am care free. I feel liberated for the first time in over a year. I'm happy to know that I have control of my heart once again. I'm ecstatic to feel like I am ready to freely give my heart to someone that is worthy of having it. No, this is not the beginning of a search for my prince charming. It is a beginning to an unknown path of living life and loving myself with the possibilies of finding another worthy of my love. This is the beginning to the next chapter of my life.

I'm happy..... And it feels so damned good.

One Year Later

I look at my life and where I was on April 24, 2011, and I can't help but be proud of where I stand today. Numb, angry, lost, tired...broken... That is what I remember feeling a year ago today. The day that Cacey and I parted ways is referred to as the worst day of my life. And in ways, it was....It was the first time in my life I had I had felt like I truly failed at something that really meant something to me.... I still tear up today when I think about it, but I cry for different reasons now. Since then, I have experienced a roller coaster of emotions and events.

I have said goodbye and knowingly had my "last kiss". I have left a family, a home, a life with someone I thought (at least for a while) would be the one to walk me down the isle. I have boxed up memories, burned others. I have spent countless nights trying to figure out what went wrong, no matter how much I knew it wouldn't change anything. I have been angry, bitter, lonely, lost and broken all over again. "Broken" will always be a part of my cycle on how I cope with things.

To be broken isn't always a bad thing. To me, it's key in reconstruction. It gives you the option to "fix" who you are, or to demolish who you were and rebuild who you are from scratch. In the past, I have gone down the road of "fixing". This time, I demolished for reconstruction.... This time, I have learned that the construction of myself is a life long process.

I'm not perfect and there are plenty of days I get discouraged and think that my life is nothing like I thought it would be at the age of 24. I always felt I would be married, have kids, or at least be engaged and planning that next chapter of my life. Sure, I may be single, not ready for marriage, and definitely not ready for children... But I find myself smiling more than I ever have before. I have made more memories, laughed more and loved more in the past year than I ever remember in my short 24 years of life. That to me is living, because it's the little things each day that make the memories in which I will smile about tomorrow.

Today I am full of love, gratitude, strength, self worth, happiness and understanding. I love my life, and I love myself. I love the friendships I have created, strengthened and gained this past year. I love knowing that the power of prayer does work and that laughter and love are contagious. I love knowing that I don't need a companion to determine my happiness and that I am comfortable in my skin. I love knowing that this year I have so many wonderful things to look forward to... So many memories to make and so many smiles to share. I love looking at the world through eyes filled with love once again, because seeing the world through eyes of love is a world like no other.... I love so many things about this year, but the one thing I love most about it is that I am the one that got me here. Cacey said that one day I would understand and thank him for letting me go because he held me back. He was wrong, I will never thank him for that because he made that decision for me. What I do understand from all of this is what is key, and that is that I am the one that determines my own happiness. And this year, I have done exactly what I said I would... I have started a lifelong journey of self love and self happiness. I have learned that I am lovable and that my time will come. But until it does, I am perfectly content living in, and loving this beautiful mess of a life.

Missing someone

Things jump out at me lately, things that remind me of you. It makes me wonder if they are signs like some people would think, or just merely a coincidence because you are subconsciously on my mind. Either way, I don't mind it.

I find myself doing that more often than not these days. Thinking of you. Not in the "I love you, I need you" kind of way. More of the "I wish you were here so I could hold your hand and tell you something funny that happened today kind of way."

You have this strange way of making me completely comfortable and calm, though it hasn't always been that way. I think its comfortable now because I am comfortable with who I am.

I never would have thought in a hundred years that our relationship would have developed into what it has. Deep. Honest.... A real friendship.  I value what we have, even if it is somewhat of a twisted friendship. Weird to the outside eye, but understandable to me because I feel its raw honesty.

I prefer it that way. It feels untouchable, free from others to assume what "this is" or what "it should be". It feels like it is the one relationship I have with someone that isn't evaluated. It flows effortlessly without being forced. Its beautiful because it's real, honest, and private. And even though I miss you, I expect nothing from you. I am comfortable from where I stand. I am comfortable with our twisted friendship, even if it is misinterpreted from the outside eye.

I am comfortable missing you, because I know you miss me too.... Even if it isn't in the "I love you I need you" kind of way.

Happy Birthday Mama!!!!

Happy Birthday to the most beautiful, genuine, loving woman I know.. My mama! 

Every day my mom sets a great example for me. There is no other mom that be a better or a more fitting mother than the one I have. She is the perfect mom for me. She is loving, kind, genuine, spiritual, accepting, understanding, compassionate and a hero.

She loves her children and grand children enough to put us first. She has taught my sister and me to value the one we love and the families in which we create. I love knowing that I have such a great example of marriage to look at and think that "Maybe one day, I will find someone to share my life with, and have a love like my parents do." My mom married her best friend. She and I always joke about how big of a stud my dad is.. But the truth is, neither one of us are kidding. My dad is a stud, and I love knowing that my mom is so in love with my dad. They are happy, which in return makes me happy.

My mom has also been my emotional dragon slayer since day one. I can't even begin to tell you all how many times my mother has rescued me, it started as young as three and four years old. I loved the days when she'd get off work early to take my sister and me to lunch...Or when she started going to work extremely early just so she could pick me up from day care on time because she knew how much I hated it. I wasn't old enough to tell time yet, but my mom gave me a watch and told me what time she would be there to pick me up. "When the little hand is on the 2 and the big hand is on the 9 I will be here to get you".... I know it still gets to her because she still tears up when she tells me how heart breaking it was to see my "crocodile tears" as I held on to the chain linked fence waiting for her like it was the end of the world.... My mom was also the person to give me some of the most important advice that I have ever received. While going through my first "real" heartbreak she said "I'm sorry you have to go through this. It's absolutely horrible. But Nicki, you will never truly know what love is until you have had your heart broken at least once, and broken at least one heart.".... I didn't understand it at that moment, but she was absolutely right. That day was a milestone for me. It opened my eyes to show me that even when I was sluffing school, and swearing on the phone for the first time in front of my mother... She would be there and love me unconditionally. That is also the same month I gaged my own ears. I remember trying to hide it from her, until I laid my head in her lap one night when I was crying from a broken heart. She just pulled my hair back in the way mothers do to comfort their child and said "Nicki..." Even though I could hear the discomfort in her voice, she said nothing else because she knew that all I needed was for her to do exactly as she was, comfort me.

My mom has put up with a lot from me, but she has never been one to judge me or the things that I have done. For that, I am truly grateful. She loves me unconditionally and accepts me for the good and the bad. She might not agree with all of the decisions that I make, or my lifestyle choices, but she loves me as I am.

Everyday I notice something about myself that was influenced by my mama. Where it be the way that I lick my fingers to smooth down my fly aways,  my green eyes, or my love for Life time and country love songs. My mom is also one of the most compassionate and loving people you will ever meet. I don't know anyone else that loves animals more than she does. We have nick named her the "tree hugger" because she hates to even think about an animal (even a mouse) being hurt.... I get that from her too. :)

I love my mom because she loved me enough to bring me into this world. I love her for the woman that she was, is and will continue to be. I love her for the great examples she sets each day and for the joy she brings to my life. I love my mom for teaching me to be the woman that I am, and for standing by me as I figure out the woman I want to be. My mom truly is the best mom I could ever ask for. I am so thankful that I picked the perfect family for me. I know I am not perfect, but I have the perfect parents to love me, imperfections and all.

Happy Birthday to my mama. I could never love another mother as much as I love mine.

Love,
Her baby

Angry Gusts of Wind

I feel strong today. I feel like it's ok to rid myself of you completely. I feel like we were a waste of time even though I know its not true, Feeling that way, and knowing that makes me sad. It's easier to be angry instead of hurt sometimes. So today, I will be angry. Tho through that anger, I still feel happiness. Its bittersweet.

I'm angry with you and for leaving things unsaid about what really happened (even though I know it won't do any good to know now)... I feel happiness, because I feel stronger than I thought possible up to this point in my life.  My friends, the family that is beside me, and the options that I have to do as I please with my life is what makes me smile everyday.

.......I don't thank you for that. You letting me go, wasn't what was best for me. You don't get to make that choice, I do. Telling others you are sorry for how I felt, and that I deserve better  was not what I expected from you. That is just a cowardly way of saying you had stopped caring....  I'm angry because instead of telling me how YOU felt, you blamed our failures on the timing. There is never a right time to discuss a topic in which you know the other person will feel pain. But I feel like I deserved the honesty of how you felt from the moment your heart fell out of love with me.

Either way, you are gone. You have moved on. You were the one that said "We need time to find ourselves." .... I cannot speak for you in saying whether or not you have found yourself. I can however, speak for myself when I say I feel you were looking for an escape. You found it.

As for me, I have moved forward. There are days that I still think about you, but I no longer let you get the best of me. I smile often, and think of you sometimes. When I do, those thoughts pass as quickly as a gust of wind. I feel good about that. They say to send thoughts of light and love to those that anchor your heart down... For you, I send nothing because I feel nothing. I don't think you would be offended by that. 

I have released the burden that my love for you had placed on my heart. I don't feel relief because of it, or feel that is was an accomplishment. I feel the same, only stronger. The difference is that I smile more lately. I laugh to the point that my stomach hurts. I no longer hate the opposite sex and I feel gitty when I talk to someone that I am attracted to. I love myself as I am. I feel beautiful as I am. I feel this way because of me... No one can take credit for that.

The Chase

"Let them chase you." ... That always seems to be the comment I get from others when I become interested in someone. I don't know why, but I don't feel like it should be about anyone chasing anyone. Life is too short to wait to be chased. I know I am 23, but I feel much older than I am. 

I feel like waiting for someone to chase me, isn't the correct interpretation of who I am. I want the person I end up with to know me as I am, good traits and bad. Sure, maybe they will pull away, in most cases that happens at some point. But to me, being honest up front is the best way to start a relationship because it shows who you are from the very beginning.

Why pretend that you aren't interested in someone if you truly are? Why play hard to get? Sure, I get it.... "Make them want you. Make them see that you are worth chasing"... I just don't feel that its for me. I know I who I am. I know I am worth it.

I hope for someone to love me just like the rest of this world does, I just don't feel I need to put myself  on the back burner in the mean time to do so.

Love for me will come. It will come when its the right time.. (If the right time even exists). When it does, I will embrace it, on my terms. But I refuse to sit here and play a game of cat and mouse to "bait" a man to walk into my life.

Love me as I am, and in return I will do the same. The most beautiful things in life develop naturally, so why shouldn't the most beautiful feeling we as humans feel develop the same way?

Let it be, love will come on it's own terms...And when it does embrace the possibilities.

-Nicki