* * * Just the Life of Another Average Girl * * *

What. The. World. Needs. Now... IS LOVE.. SWEET LOVE!!!!

2012-02-14T11:35:00.001-07:00

For all of those people that hate Valentines Day, I just don't understand you. "It's a waste of money." "It's so commercialized." "Why do you have to have a day to celebrate your love with someone when you celebrate it everyday?!"... (That one is my personal favorite!).... To answer that last question.... NO ONE CELEBRATE THEIR LOVE AND RELATIONSHIP EVERYDAY!!!!!!!! ..... How do I know this? Because I was practically married for two years and there were days that I wanted to kill him. (Well not literally, but you get the point)

Love is the one thing in the world that makes everything beautiful. When you look at the world through eyes of love, the air smells better, the colors around you seem more vibrant, and yes; life seems sweeter.

Valentines Day is one of my favorite holidays. I love going the extra mile on that day to show the person I am with that I truly care about them. Valentines Day doesn't mean you have to spend hundreds of dollars to see that person smile.. it means that you do something a little extra to show that person you take pride in your relationship and that you feel your love DOES DESERVE to be celebrated!

My most memorable Valentines Day comes from my high school boyfriend. Neither one of us had a lot of money, neither one of us were nor are we now superficial... So for Valentines Day he cooked me dinner, we exchanged small gifts and letters we had written to one another, and we spent the night watching movies together cuddled up on the couch.

Valentines Day has nothing to do with spending money. To me, the most heart felt gifts/memorable are the ones that are sentimental. Take time to write that special someone a letter professing what exactly it is that makes you grateful to have them in your life. Make them a card, a picture frame of the two of you in it, or even a freaking macaroni necklace! It doesn't matter what it is, its the thought that counts.

Love is beautiful, and YES, it should be celebrated every day! If we can have a holiday to honor our country, our Father in Heaven, the birth of Christ, our Freedom, and the dead... Why can't we have a holiday to celebrate the one thing that makes this world beautiful... LOVE!

Even though I don't have a special someone to share this day with at this time in my life, I remain happy and humble. I love LOVE and I love celebrating LOVE. If you have that special someone in your life, I hope you take the time today to honor your love and let them know how much it means to you to have them in your life.

Cherish LOVE. Cherish the light it brings into your life! You never know when it might be taken from you.

Happy Valentines Day everyone!

Nicki

Happy Birthday to My Papa

2012-02-13T17:55:00.001-07:00

Happy Birthday to my dad, the best man I know! I am so grateful to have a father like him. I know that all kids say "I have the best dad in the world."... And of course I feel that way, but beyond that, I feel that I have the best dad for ME. What I mean by that is that I don't know any other father that could hold a place in my heart like he does. My dad is my hero. He is the man that I look up to most because he has always been there for me. The older I get the more I realize how amazing my parents are.... And the older I get, the more I realize how much I need and love having the father that I do in my life. I have never felt closer to him than I have this past year. The first time I realized this was Easter Sunday of last year . That is still probably the worst day of my life up to this point in my 23, almost 24 yrs of life; and the one person I needed that day was my dad.

One of my fathers greatest qualities is that he is relaxed. He has this way of calming you down and making you feel as if everything will be alright, even when if feels like the end of the world. I guess that is a quality needed when you are a father to two emotional daughters whose tear ducts open like flood gates on a regular basis, and husband to the emotional mother in which we get our "emotional gift" from. I feel that I can speak for all of us when I say that he has held our family together... Even in times when we weren't ok individually or as a unit.

My father is the hardest working man I know. He has always provided for our family to make sure that we have not only had what we needed, but what we wanted. During our hardest times when he been out of work , he has worked side job after side job to make sure we had not only the necessities, but he also made sure that my sister and I had what we wanted in order to keep doing the things we loved. I think sometimes the hardships that we face as a unit is what pulls us closer together. I have never felt closer to my family than I have in the moments we have experienced hardships like that.

The reason I love my dad most is because I honestly know that no matter what decision I make in life, he will always love me. I am not perfect, nobody is. But everyday my dad gives me the greatest gift he could ever give me, love and acceptance.

I can only hope that one day I end up with someone as great of a man as he is. He is corky, smart, easy going, handsome :) , a provider, witty, honest, loyal, family oriented, and all around a hero. He loves his family more than anything and everyday he does what he can to make us proud. That to me is what makes him so wonderful... Everyday he tries his best to always be the great example that he is.

Thank you to him for all that he has done, and continues to do each and every day. I can only hope to be as great of a parent to my kids that he has been, and will continue to be to me.

Love Always,
Nick

Cheers!

2012-01-24T17:48:00.001-07:00

Happiness... That is my New Year's Resolution...

Cheers to eating what I want, exercising when I want, dating who I want, traveling where I want and making memories to last a life time. I'm loving life just "doin' me". This is my year in one way or another. It's my year to grow as an individual and smile constantly. It's my year to pave the rest of my life... It's my year to accept myself as me and to continue to love myself inside and out....

I smile more these days and I feel TRUE HAPPINESS within. That is something that no one can take away from me.

Cheers to 2012! :)

The Masterpiece

2011-12-07T10:38:00.001-07:00

Christmas Eve will make it eight months from the day Cacey and I said our big goodbye. I feel like the past eight months have flown by so quickly that I haven't really been able to process what my life has been like since we said our final good bye. I have experienced more mixed emotions in the past couple of months, than I have in all previous relationships/heartaches combined. I'm not upset about it. I feel like its been good for me. Cacey is a big part of the woman that I am today. His girls will be forever imprinted on my heart. My love for him, will always be held on a level that I can't explain.
He was my "first" for a lot of things. He was my first honest relationship. He was the first person to make ME put MYSELF first. He was the first person to tell me that creating art should be done because you feel passionate about it, not to make money. He was the first person that I had a family with, even though his kids weren't "technically" my own.

I loved Cacey. I loved him as he was because he loved me as I was when we found each other. I didn't have to hide pieces of my past in fear that he wouldn't understand. He allowed me to be honest with him from the beginning, and I think that is why we were able to communicate so openly. Amongst all of the things he was my "first" for, he was the first one to hurt just as much as I did when we realized that is wasn't going to work.

Walking away from our life on Easter Sunday was heart wrenching. The levels of sadness and anger I felt, were unimaginable up until that point in my life. Trying to process the "whys" and "hows" didn't get me anywhere. I was sad because I wasn't ready to let go... Even tho deep down, I knew it was time. I was upset because I didn't understand how you could just fall out of love with someone.... I still don't understand it, but I am no longer trying to understand it.

Someone once told me that "there is only one kind of love and if you can't love someone enough to spend the rest of your life with them, then you never truly loved them at all".... I feel sorry for that person and anyone else who is narrow minded enough to believe the same. I feel they are pessimistic towards love because they are too afraid of opening up their heart enough for it to be broken.

Love is the one thing that changes the way you see the world. When in love, the world has a certain glow about it. Colors are vibrant and beautiful, everything seems perfect. When you lose love, those colors become dull and blend together. It isn't until you search for love that the world slowly brightens, but this time the colors are different. When there is no love, everything seems black and white.

Love to me, is like creating a masterpiece. For each time you find love, fall out of love or search for love.. a work of art is created. Some people choose to live in the future and forget about the past, which only allows them one canvas to paint their masterpiece on. For me its different. I use a different canvas for each phase of my life. If it were on a single canvas, you wouldn't be able to see the layers of who I am or what I have felt throughout my life. The way I see it is that in the end, I'll still have my masterpiece...Just all canvases strategically placed to create one ultimate piece of art.

I would rather be passionate and daring enough to risk getting my heart broken multiple times. could never be narrow minded enough to believe the world is painted in black and white. My past is filled with canvases painted in bright colors and also in dull shades of blues and grays.The canvas I am painting now is filled with warm blues and greens. Shades of blues to represent the emotions in which consume me from time to time.. and greens to represent new growth in finding love within.

My masterpiece may seem like too much for some people. It may be too scattered and messy, but to me its beautiful.... It's my beautiful mess.

reversed repulsion

2011-12-01T16:50:00.001-07:00

They say that people walk in and out of your life for a reason, and in most cases.. those that walk out aren't worth letting back in. How does one decide if that is truly the case?

I am a firm believer in following the heart. It doesn't mean that it always puts me on the path that is right for me in the long run.. But how do we truly know if those paths that "feel right" at that moment... won't one day lead us to the path that is ultimately right for us? And even more... How do we truly know what is right for us?.... Doubts fill heads of even those who seem to have the "perfect life" or the "perfect relationship" every once in a while.

The last couple of weeks have been somewhat refreshing for me. Someone from my past whom I had ill feelings towards contacted me. As soon as I saw the name, my heart sunk into my stomach and my eyes welled with tears. I hadn't spoken to this person in over two years, and I hadn't thought anything positive about this person in longer than that. In talking with them, they apologized for all of the negative things said and done to me. They told me that I was a big part of their life and thanked me for all I had done.... I was at a loss for words because in conversations prior to this one, something was said to me that left a whole in my heart. Needless to say, I had been carrying that conversation with me for over two years, and it had been weighing me down for no one to see, just for me to feel.

As I read the apology, my stomach turned. I wasn't sure how to take it. I mean, obviously we didn't have the best track record. Nonetheless, I told this person that their apology meant a lot to me, especially considering what was said to me the last time we spoke.... They didn't remember saying those things, but apologized to me anyways and told me that none of it was true and that they were sorry for hurting me. I honestly thought my bitter taste for them would never go away, but I am proud to say that I no longer feel that stinging hatred towards this individual.

It's interesting how much time and maturity can heal a person. I don't think that either one of us are the same people that we were just a few years ago. I don't know if I would have been able to truly let go of that anger, had I not experienced "life" as it was after they closed the chapter of "our life".

I can't say what my future holds, or if this person will be a significant part of my life... All I know is that in talking to them, I was able to let go of a part of me and a past that I didn't know how to release myself from.

... People walk in and out of our lives for a reason.... The experiences we share with them help mold who we become..... And how they effect us in the present, determine whether or not they make it to our future. How far they make it exactly, is yet to be determined.

Uncertainty of what fills my future will always be in the back of my mind. But right now, in the present... I can confidently say that I am happy with life. I am happy with me.

Someone Like You

2011-10-06T15:49:00.001-06:00

"Someone Like You"

I heard that you settled down
That you found a girl and you're married now.
I heard that your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you.

Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,"
Yeah.

You know how the time flies
Only yesterday was the time of our lives
We were born and raised
In a summer haze
Bound by the surprise of our glory days

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."

Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."

Every time I hear the song "Someone Like You" by Adele, I tear up and/or get the cold chills. I love her voice and her attitude. I think she is a great artist. I have always thought she has done a great job at putting her emotion into her music. I think that is why I love her so much. I have heard this song a lot. But it wasn't until this morning that I truly "listened" to the words. As soon as I got to a computer I started doing some research on her album "21" which is the album that this song is from. She said this album is about the story of her first real "grown up" relationship.... The first relationship where nothing happened, or no one cheated on the other. It ended simply because they fell out of love with one another. She goes on to say that sometimes that hurts more because there is nothing you can do about it and how she felt like a failure because of it.

"Nothing compares, No worries or cares, Regrets and Mistakes, They are memories made. Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?" ........ I love that line because it truly hits home with me. No matter how much I try to be angry or try to find reasoning for why things have to be the way they are...There IS no explanation as to how you can just fall out of love with someone. Love is the one thing that is supposed to come to you naturally. It's the one feeling you put into all things dear to you. There is no greater pain than feeling like you have failed at love, to me anyways.

But life will always move forward and things will always change so all we can really do it trudge through the troubles. I'm sure I will face greater pain in my life (not that I want to) ... but for now, I'm still in the process of learning from this pain.

........... At this point, the greatest thing I have learned in life is that you can not truly appreciate life and love until you have lost the one thing you felt made you who you are.... I appreciate those things in a whole different light now.

.

Five Year Plan......

2011-09-01T15:56:00.000-06:00

Five year plan... Five years ago my five year plan would have gone something like this:1. Go to school and get a nursing degree2. Find a guy that I would like to settle down with.3. Become engaged within 2 yrs.4. Married in a year after that.5. Live in a house with my perfect husband................. Five years later from that...... I can tell you exactly how wrong that plan was......................I RECENTLY started taking college classes at the local community college thanks to my employer, who I should mention has NOTHING to do with healthcare. (That dream was shattered shortly after I realized how crappy benefits were working for the company that I was). Although I do miss my job description and the people that I cared for, I don't think I would ever want to be a nurse. I mostly enjoyed the comforting side of being a C.N.A. and Med Tech anyways. I developed alot of great relationships and life skills from it. As far as finding a guy went... Ha.. I have to laugh at that because I found three great guys and thought I was going to marry at least two of them... For sure one. But that came almost three years into the five year plan. Two of the three were great guys! Treated me well and we got along... All three of the guys came from wonderful families that I miss dearly. But none of them ended up being the happy ending to my five year plan. Wasted years? I would say no. I learned a lot from each relationship and that is really what matters most. Sure I don't have a degree in anything, or more than just a couple credits under my belt. Sure I don't have prince charming to come home to everynight or a home to call my own... But honestly, what the hell is a five year plan anyways? At this point in my life, it's bogus. I have found that searching and striving too hard for what you "want" gets you further from it. At least in the love department. For me anyways. I'm not even sure there IS a perfect guy out there. Other than my dad of course. And I can say that with all honesty because well, my dad's amazing. It's going to take someone pretty special to fully fill his shoes for me...... It's funny how when you are young, you are attracted to someone completely opposite of your fathter... But the older and WISER you get, you want to settle down with someone who has all of your father's best qualities... I know.... *sigh* I'm getting older. While talking with a friend the other day we were discussing future relationships. He asked me what I felt that I was looking for. I told him that I didn't know, that right now I was focusing on myself as an individual. I told him that I know that love will come for me one day, in time. And with the right person. And I truly believe that. I am blessed and cursed to have such a nuetral mind and "flow". It makes it hard to really know what I want right now. But I figure that as long as I am self improving on who I am and becoming a happier better me, then all else (love included) will fall into place when the time is right. So what's my five year plan now you ask?1. Love truly all those who are good in my life2. Smile Daily3. Continue enducation4. Travel5. Self improveAfterall one of my favorite sayings has always been "You can not love someone fully, until you learn to love yourself first." The time is now to learn about myself and love who I am. To make changes in my everyday life to become a better/happier me. Because I know in doing so, I will get my happy ending. No more searching, good things will happen on their own. It's time to live and let live!

Saving Graces

2011-08-31T17:10:00.000-06:00

My girls. My forever friends. In being single and having numerous amounts of time to myself I have found myself having girls nights with Chelsea and Amanda quite often and I couldn't be happier about it. Especially since Amanda lives a little more than an hour away from Chelsea and I.

We have been making trips out to her house at least once a month for the past couple of months. It's nice out there. I tell people it's like a mini vacation for me. It's so quiet and peaceful in the country side. It's nice to get off the freeway and out of the city and roll your windows down and smell the country. Landscapes of green grass and corn fields surround her home in a town where the number of horses and cows double or triple the number of people.

We always end up making plans to "actually do something", but usually we end up just chit chatting and having a few drinks while enjoying the clean air and clear skies. Chelsea usually falls asleep in the recliner around 9-10 and Amanda and I stay up into the wee hours of the morning having some type of deep discussion.

I love going out there because it's always a stress free environment. I told Amanda last time I was out there that I feel like I need to go there at least once a month just to stay sane. :) Who knows if that is true, but at least I have an extra excuse to keep going out there!

Either way, our small group of three has had our ups and downs and our falling outs at different points in our lives. But those I believe are what have made us to be such great friends. We have been through a lot together. We have all strayed from our paths of life that go side by side.. But Our lives mismatching and being so different from one another is what makes it interesting. Because we can be ourselves and follow our heart and desires, but then meet up and mesh so well.

We have the type of friendship that lasts forever. They will always be my two friends that I consider to be my greatest. I love that our lives intertwined together in some weird way when we were younger than 10 yrs old, and yet today we still remain the greatest of friends. Every time we are together a memory filled with smiles and laughter is made. And that, is what I cherish most about what we have together. I love the fact that I don't know what my future holds. But that I can ALWAYS count on these two girls to be my rock and make me laugh until my guts hurt no matter what trials I face in life.

These girls and my family, are my saving grace!

For the better, for the worse.

2011-08-10T09:47:00.009-06:00

Life is crazy, like a whirl wind of never ending chaos. But in the midst of all the chaos, there is so much good. Those things are what reassures me that things really will be OK.

Living at home is now "what I know". I may not be there a whole lot, but I enjoy seeing my family when I'm there. My sister had her twins on July 21st and I love them individually so much. My heart has now been split into three. Kayson, is so calm and gentle hearted. He smiles all the time, and he just has this sweet nature about him. Jayden is a little ball of fire :) and knows how to work the system already to get what she wants. We call her the drama queen :). And of course, there is Jaxon. He is still my little buddy. He is getting so big so fast. He talks all the time, and he is still so full of life. I love watching him get older. But as I look at the babies, I get sad because it makes me realize how fast time passes by. I remember last summer how little Jax was and it makes me realize how short life really is.

I've been spending a lot of my time with girlfriends, which I feel is good for me. I have been in relationships for most of the past six years. I forgot what it was like to be single. The girls are some of greatest friends I could ever ask for and I have become extremely close to them. They are honest, genuine, and have great energy. They may be a little wild and swear like sailors.. But they have proven in just a few short months to be people that I want in my life forever.

I still think about Cacey, and all the things I miss about our life. I still love him in a way that I have no one else, and I think I always will love him differently. I miss the girls, and Tank. I miss his smile, his long curled eye lashes and the way his neck smelled when I hugged him. I miss being with him in the beginning when we were crazy about each other. But I am beginning to come to the realization that this is just the way it's going to be. I can't say forever, because I don't think anyone ever knows that. But for now, for a while... It's for good.

I've learned in the past three months that it's OK to cry. It's OK to show how I really feel inside. I have been told many times that I am the happiest person that most know and that my happiness radiates. It feels good to hear that, but at the same time; it's not how I feel in side a lot of the time. But I have learned that surrounding myself with people who make me forget the pain that I feel for things, is what radiates that energy. It's a good reminder that I have a lot more good in my life than I think. So in honor of all the good things I have in my life at the moment, here are some memories that warm my heart.

Daddy's Nicki

2011-07-05T16:23:00.001-06:00

I started taking an English 1010 class at the community college. I really enjoy it because I love writing. It's a good escape for all that is going on in my world .... Our first paper was a "reflections paper". The paper had to tell a story of something or someone that can reflect why you are who you are... My teacher read the paper and she said it was "beautifully written because it's heart-breaking and honest". She also told me that she loves my dad :)... I guess you can be the judge of why she would say that.

Any ways, I figured I would share my paper with all of you because it shows a glimpse of what my life inside my head has been like for the past couple of months.... Things are tough, but are getting easier. All I can say is that I have a wonderful family <3

Daddy's Nicki

Everything that I had known for the past two years had just shattered into a million pieces. These walls filled with memories that I had created this house that I made a home with nick-knacks and keeps sakes, was no longer mine. This furry pig dog with the wrinkled face that was always dripping with slobber would no longer snore and hog half of my bed. And these girls, the olive skinned ball of fire and the green eyed toe head that could have passed as my own, would no longer be a part of my weekly ritual. This home and this family that I loved, was no longer mine.

With one last glance from his tear filled cobalt eyes, he walked away from our life. He couldn’t handle watching me remove the proof of my existence from the space that we called ours. And in that moment, a slight breeze of fresh cut grass wisped through what was once my bedroom window only to make me realize that I was broken.

I sat there sobbing uncontrollably, listening to my thoughts screaming in my head. Is this really the end? How could it be? What do I do now? Where do I go? How can two people who aren’t angry at each other just walk away from their life together? I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t want to explain how my life crumbled before me unexpectedly at 4:30 in the morning on Easter Sunday because not even I could process it.

I don’t even remember picking up the phone and dialing the numbers, but as soon as I heard my dad’s voice, I felt like a breath of fresh air had just been forced down my throat. He could hear me struggling to find the right wording as I battled my lungs for air. “Are you ok? What do you need me to do kiddo?” he said in a sympathetic tone. “I need you to clear a space in the spare bedroom closet. I’m coming home.’’

“You will have a place to put your things when you get here. If you need me to come get you, I will.” He reassured me. I told him I would be there in a few hours and that I loved him. I didn’t want him to see me in this state. I didn’t want him to see me remove myself from this closet and these shelves in the sloth like manner I was moving in, in order to keep me away from this home that I was not ready to leave even though it was no longer mine.

After two hours and what seemed like 137 trips to my car of just clothes, I hugged my pig dog one last time and told him I would come see him soon. I took one last look at the home I created and the dog with a face that only its mother could love and quietly shut the door behind me. I wouldn’t be coming back this time, not as my home anyway.

As I passed church after church filled with families dressed in their Sunday best, I couldn’t help but wonder how we were going to explain this to the girls. How do you explain to a five and eleven year old that “It just isn’t working”? How do you make them understand that you still love them and not feel awful for being the second “mother” to leave their home? I felt like a failure knowing that the one thing I had been most afraid of coming into this relationship, was about to come crashing down on me harder than anything else I had ever experienced. I was breaking up with three instead of one.

I would no longer get to do their hair pretty, or read them bedtime stories. I would no longer get to watch “girly movies” or get those hugs where they “spider monkey” themselves around you, after you have just caught them in mid air, just to tell you that they loved you. I would no longer get to add pictures to “the shrine” I had created for them in on my walls at work. I was no longer “daddy’s Nicki”. I was now just simply, Nicki.

As I creeped my jeep into the driveway, I could see the questions bulging from my mother’s mouth as she stood at the garage door landing. She could sense her puffy eyed, emotionally drained baby wanted nothing more than the assurance that everything would be ok. I get that from my mom, the wanting to fix everything nature. I am most like her. But that day, I needed the one person who loved his girls most. I needed my dad.

As I hugged my dad he said nothing. He just rubbed my back as he has ever since I was a little girl. I love that most about him I think. His calm nature makes it easy to know that he cares without even saying a word. Even in times when I have disappointed him most, he hardly says anything. He waits for you to come to him; I wish I were more like him in that way.

I dreaded moving my life into the room that was once my sister’s. I felt sick to my stomach because I was doing the one thing that I feared most. I was leaving the one person and the loves of his life because somehow, we were no longer the loves of each other’s life.

Arm load after arm load my mother, my sister five months pregnant with twins, and myself piled my clothes on the bed that had become foreign to me. In the midst of worrying about where I am going to put everything I hear my dad say from the kitchen, “Hell, I’m going to have to build you a storage room just to fit all your damn shoes.” I reply quickly with “No, that is what the garage shelves are for! And if you think this is bad, wait until you see all of the crafting projects I have accumulated over the past year!”

I reflect back to that memory, knowing now what my dad was trying to get across to me without even realizing he was doing it. My family will always be there for me and as I get older, I realize more and more how much I really need my parents. I love my mother for always wanting to make sure that I am ok. I love that I get the “Let’s fix it!” nature from her. And I love knowing that even when he doesn’t say anything; my dad shows me that he cares. In this case, love is clearing a space in your workshop to make room for your daughters crafting projects.

Already 2? My how time Flew!!!!!!!!!!

2011-06-02T07:56:00.003-06:00

June 4th will mark the birthday of the most important person in my life.

Jaxon is the only man in my life that has my whole heart! He makes me melt! I love him more than anything and I would go above and beyond all limits to do whatever I can for him. The day that he was born, my life changed completely and I suddenly knew what it felt like to want to be a better person for someone else... Loving my nephew, is the greatest feeling in the world.

I have been blessed enough over the past two years to have the opportunity to spend most Fridays with him.. And tho sometimes they are... Challenging :) to say the least.. and he gives me a run for my money, I cherish those days. It's crazy the kind of light a child can bring into your life. His curiosity and innocence make me smile on a daily basis.

It's been a bitter sweet thing watching him get older. Bitter because he has grown so much in the past two years and I feel like I should still be walking around the back yard with him exploring everything that nature has to offer in Riverton Utah lol.. Or singing lullaby's to him before he falls asleep in my arms...

Sweet because he is so smart and so full of life. He is so amazed at the littlest things, and he truly is... Hell on Wheels! :) I say that in a good way! He just loves EVERYONE and EVERYTHING! The day I took the pictures above he was trying to hug every little kid that was eye level with him.. Not to mention running wild throughout the entire dinosaur museum! And even tho, I wanted to lay down and sleep just after two hours of tending him that day, I would do it over and over again :)

I could literally go on for days about how much I love my nephew. I kick myself for ever thinking how strange life would be when I became an aunt. Because I really feel like my life sort of just began when the day that he was born and my out look on life changed. And now that my sister is pregnant with twins (due in August)... I am in for a whole other adventure! :) But I can't wait!

I want kids one day... But for now.. I think I will just stick to the ones I can spoil and give back lol

Dub-uh Jax! Thank you for making me a better person and showing me what it is like to love someone wholeheartedly. Thank you for being the light of my life and for loving me unconditionally. Thank you for making my day just by saying "Hi Nit-nee" or "Dub-uh" (which means I love you) .... You mean the world to me!

Happy 2nd Birthday! I look forward to the future birthdays and all the twists and turns that life will bring!

Love,
Nit-nee

2011-05-04T10:38:00.002-06:00

I know it's not the best picture, but I wanted to post a picture of my recent craft project.

I have wanted old barn windows for a long time now and while shopping on KSL classifieds I found a guy who had A TON of them for sale. And the best part was, he lived 3 minutes away from me :)

I picked up two of them and I am in love with them. I have some things envisioned for them. The one that is hanging in my room will have some things added to it. I wish I could take a better picture to show the detail of it. All I did to it was vacuum it up a little, put some matte finish on it and eventually modge podge the front. I had to used modge podge because the paint on the window is peeling off. That is the look I was going for, so I decided to leave it as natural as I could rather than repaint it to look old.

Then with the help of my dad I got it hung :) I know it's big, but it makes me smile! My mom thought I was crazy when I told her I was going to hang a barn window above my bed, but now she thinks it looks good.

I made the pillow on my bed too. It doesn't really go with my decor... But then again, I just moved home a week and a half ago so hopefully I can create my pictured "escape" :)

That's all for now, but I will keep posting pics of projects as they come!

.....................

2011-05-03T08:12:00.002-06:00

Change: Something that I am usually fond of. But not if it is a life altering change. Easter Sunday my boyfriend and I decided to go our separate ways. It makes me sad because we care about one another deeply, and want the best for us. But, we need to focus on ourselves for a while.

People try and tell me that I will get over it, or maybe that it wasn't meant to be.. But I don't think you can feel what I am going through until you have been in my situation. If you haven't dated someone older, who has kids and built a life with that person than you wouldn't know how this feels. It's been hard to walk away from the life we had made together.. It's hard to walk away from the flowers that I planted to make our home more inviting and beautiful, and the projects that were part of the dream of the home I smiled about frequently because they were part of who I am and part of what I had always envisioned. That house was the one place I felt at home. I fell in love with his kids, and OUR dog Tank :). And he is the man that I love on a level I have never loved another person.

How do you walk away from that and be ok with leaving it all behind? I don't understand it.... I have been on quite the roller coaster trying to place myself in where I am in life right now. It's been hard moving back home and adjusting to things. It doesn't feel normal. But it's comforting to have my family around. It's comforting to be around my easy going and quiet dad, because right now I don't want to talk. He is the one person that doesn't offer an opinion on what I need to do.

I love Cacey, and tho we are taking time to figure ourselves out apart from one another, I value what we have. I value who he is and the relationship that we have built. We aren't angry at each other, just sad that it has to be this way, and that we both hurt.

Who knows, maybe we aren't right for each other... But that is something that only he and I can decide. I know that if what we developed wasn't real, it wouldn't have hurt like it did to decide to take this step. Regardless of what happens in the future, I will always hold a place in my heart filled with only good thoughts about him.

And at the end of the road if we don't end up together, I know I have friendship that will last a lifetime.

Day 29.. A picture that always makes me smile

2011-03-31T15:50:00.002-06:00

LOL That is a picture of my nephew on my birthday. This was around the time that he discovered his tongue. But I just love it because he was just kicked back in the high chair with his arms flopped to the side and his tongue hanging out. He just looks so relaxed.

Day 28... Something I am afraid of

2011-03-31T15:47:00.001-06:00

My fears over the past year have changed course quite often.... My biggest fear at the moment is that I will never truly find myself.

Day 27... My self and a family member

2011-03-30T15:30:00.004-06:00

My big sister and I the day after my life changed forever. I love being an aunt more than anything

Day 26... Something that means a lot to me.

2011-03-30T15:20:00.003-06:00

My relationship with Cacey is something that means a lot to me. He is one of the most warm hearted, easy going, and honest people you will ever meet. He is, and always will be considered one of the most influential people of my life. The love I have for him is one different than I have had for anyone and I know that no matter what happens in the future, he will always be apart of who I am, and of my life.

dAY 25... A picture of my day

2011-03-30T10:27:00.003-06:00

I have decided not to post a picture of my day to day life because honestly, it's just not that exciting. So instead I will post a picture of what I would consider a perfect day at this point in my life.

I would love to take a drive through a rainy forest right now. Just to listen to myself think as the rain hits the windshield.

Day 24... Something I wish I could change.

2011-03-29T17:53:00.001-06:00

My motivation to work out! I have no motivation right now.. Other than doing Zumba!!!!!!

Day 23... My favorite book

2011-03-29T17:50:00.002-06:00

I know... I am jumping on the band wagon. But right now, this is my favorite book.

Day 22... Something I wish I were better at

2011-03-29T17:49:00.001-06:00

I wish I were better at telling others how I feel.

Day 21... Something I wish I could forget

2011-03-29T17:32:00.002-06:00

While working as a C.N.A. I saw far too many people lose memories of their lives both good and bad. And on their good days, you could see a glimpse of those "forgotten moments" dance in their eyes. And on the bad days, My heart ached every day that their sad empty eyes wandered aimlessly searching for some kind of familiarity.

I guess most people would expect me to say that I wish I could forget the death of someone close to me, or a broken heart.. Or maybe even something awful that happened to me when I was younger. But I don't. I think memories are part of what makes us who we are so I don't know if I would want to forget anything, even the bad.

I do however, wish it were easier for me to forgive.

Day 21... Something I could forget

2011-03-29T17:32:00.000-06:00

Day 20... Somewhere I would love to travel

2011-03-29T17:30:00.002-06:00

Greece!!!!! Same location of where they shot Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 1 & 2 ! One day I will go!

Day 19... Pic and a Letter

2011-03-29T17:29:00.006-06:00

Day 19... Pic and a Letter

2011-03-29T17:29:00.003-06:00

Day 19... Pic and a Letter

2011-03-29T17:29:00.001-06:00

Day 18... My biggest insecurity

2011-03-29T17:26:00.003-06:00

My weight... It doesn't matter how thin I have gotten in the past, or how thin I strive to be in the future.. My weight and body will always be my biggest insecurity.

Day 17... A pic of something that has made a huge impact on my life

2011-03-29T17:15:00.003-06:00

Turning down an art scholarship to Dixie State is still to this day, one of the things I have mixed feelings about. I used to say that I have no regrets... But the older that I get, the more I question that very statement.

At the time in my life the opportunity was presented to me, I didn't think that I would have gone there for the right reasons. I was afraid that partying and other activities might steal my attention away from what was truly important. That was a rough time in my life... But now that I look at my life, I should have given education a shot. I miss art being a part of my every day life.

I have been happy with the way things in my life have gone. But it makes me curious to see if some things from my past would have still ended up the way they did, regardless of where I was.... I guess I will never know... That decision not to go to school, impacted my life more than I thought it ever would.

Day 16.. A picture of someone who inspires me

2011-03-17T10:32:00.003-06:00

President Gordon B. Hinkley

Gordon B. Hinkley is a big inspiration to me because it didn't matter who he came in contact with, he was humble. I used to love watching conference if he was talking. He was a wonderful man, and I truly believe that many people could learn a lot from him, just by the person that he was.

I remember hearing an interview Gordon B Hinkley where he was asked about the LDS faith and what would happen in the final days if this church turned out not being the true church. He said that if that were to happen, then he would be wrong and left it at that.... That has always stuck with me because it shows that he was true to what he believed, but didn't try to over-press his faith. I admire that. I feel like our world is so caught up in pressing our belief systems on others instead of inviting them to share our beliefs but loving them even if they don't. I would like to live in a world like that...

Day 15... Something I want to do before I die

2011-03-16T16:36:00.004-06:00

Travel the world. I have a list of places that I want to see before I die. I know that is not very original, but it's unlikely that we get to see all the places that we desire before our final days. At this point in my life I would love to see the following places, in no specific order:

1. Switzerland
2. Holland
3. Scotland
4. Ireland
5. Italy
6. Greece (the old part of Greece)
7. Belize
8. Costa Rica
9. Canada
10. Brazil

That is just a few of the places I want to go.

Day 14.. a picture of someone I couldn't imagine life without

2011-03-15T17:17:00.003-06:00

The day that my nephew was born was life changing for me. He instantly became the most important thing in my life. He gave me a reason to be a better person. And he made me realize that the kind of love you can have for a child is the most rewarding of all. I love him so much. And he is always going to love me back no matter what. So I guess he is the person that I couldn't imagine my life with out because no matter what, I will always have that connection to him. He changed me forever.

Day 13... A picture of my favorite band or artist

2011-03-14T08:20:00.003-06:00

This post is extremely hard for me because I have so many bands/artists that I love. I basically have a favorite per genre... I know, lame. But today, I would have to say that I love Norah Jones most. Every time I listen to her, I am in such a good mood. I love her voice and her music.... And I LOVE the song "Come Away with Me"

Day 12... Something I love

2011-03-10T17:55:00.004-07:00

One thing I love is sunsets. To break it down into categories of the types would be ... summer sunsets, winter sunsets, stormy sunsets, and sunsets on water. But sunsets at Flaming Gorge would be my favorite of all.

Day 11... Something I hate

2011-03-10T17:48:00.003-07:00

I hate.... HaTe... HATE... everything about public bathrooms. I don't care how clean they are, I hate everything about them. I hate touching the handles, dispensers, toilet seats... I just hate everything about them. UGH... They totally gross me out to the point where I turn the faucet on with my wrist and then get pissed because my wrist now has germs and fecal matter on them from the faucet handle... I know it's weird, but think about it. It makes sense! lol

Day 10.... The person I do the most crazy things with

2011-03-10T17:42:00.004-07:00

:) Oh gosh... Chester... My best friend of 14 yrs now is definitely the one person that I can count on for a crazy time. Many of my favorite memories have been made with her. She is the one person who I can be my self around. She is one of the best parts of my life and I truly cherish her friendship.

Day 9 .... A person who has gotten me through the most

2011-03-10T17:35:00.004-07:00

My parents are my foundation. They have helped me out so much in my life and I will never be able to tell them how much I truly love and appreciate them. It's amazing how as you get older you realize that your parents really do know what they are talking about. I don't know where I would be today if I didn't have them here to pick me up when I have fallen down.

Day 8, a picture of something that makes you laugh

2011-03-09T08:58:00.003-07:00

Road trippin' up the Oregon Coast with my BFF's we stopped at the Blue Heron Cheese Factory. While our friend Brock was inside wine tasting, my friend Chelsea and I decided to wander around the petting zoo that was outside. We stumbled upon this Llama that I named Lily.

The reason this picture makes me laugh is because when I took it, my best friend was having a conversation with it. I know.. you had to be there.. But it still makes me laugh!

Day 7 .... My most treasured item

2011-03-08T11:10:00.004-07:00

My family

Days 3, 4, 5 & 6 ... I know I am slackin'

2011-03-07T07:38:00.006-07:00

Ok so it was almost impossible for me to be able to do this over the weekend. But, I promise to get better at this!

Day three would have been Friday and the topic is a picture of the cast of my favorite T.V. show. I seriously have so many t.v. shows that I LOVE! But the one that makes me laugh every time I watch it would have to be.....

I seriously LOVE Cougartown so much! I think it is absolutely hilarious! I could watch it for days on end and never get sick of it!

Day four is picture of my favorite night. So I decided to post a picture of the place where I have had most of my favorite nights.

Flaming Gorge is the one place that completely calms me. I love it more than anywhere in the world. It's my paradise.

Day five is a picture of something that I miss.

Summer time thunderstorms at Flaming Gorge. This is one of the reasons I love Flaming Gorge so much.

And for day six, someone I would like to trade places with.

I decided that I wouldn't want to trade places with a celebrity because even if they were to go somewhere beautiful, they would still be followed and be in the public eye. So if I could trade places with someone for a day, I would trade places with another couple who is on an expensive vacation in Belize. I think that would be so romantic. <3 *sigh*

So there you have it! Check back tomorrow!

Day 02 of the Challenge!

2011-03-03T16:13:00.002-07:00

There has been many people that I have been close to through out my life. My cousin Britty was always with me as a child. But with miles between us, we drifted into our own directions. But some of my best memories were spent with her. Clayton, my first crush and my best friend clear back from Kindergarten. Clayton and I still remain friends to this day. And no matter what our history with one another and the roads we have taken together will always mean a lot to me. And something cool about him is that he married a sweet heart with my same birthday :)

But, the person that I have been the closest too for the most consistent amount of time would have to be the one and only Chester! She has been my best friend since I was 8 yrs old. And tho we have fallen apart during our younger years, she still to this day remains one of my dearest friends. She is a fire cracker, and we are opposites.. But she knows me outside and in better than anyone.

10 Facts about me

2011-03-02T08:16:00.002-07:00

Day 1 of the challenge

10 Facts about myself

1- I LOVE Mushrooms :) I could NEVER get sick of them! I would put them in almost anything! (Except for candy or desserts) !

2- Rain is my favorite smell.

3- I cry in almost every movie that I watch. I think it's because I empathize with the characters. I put my self in that situation and imagine how I would feel. Weird I know, but I do it with t.v. shows too. What can I say.. I am really emotional? :)

4- My nephew is the most important person in my life! The day he was born, my life changed forever!

5- I feel most at home in places that look lived and eclectic. My dream interior of a home would be country cottage with a romantic edge to it... Lace, candles, mixed with rusted metal, wood elements, and soft quilts with warm and neutral colors. And accents of Turquoise, mustard yellow, and red throughout the house....

6- I want to travel the world

7- I believe that there are different levels of love. You just give more of your heart to some than others.

8- My eyes are olive green. But when I cry, they turn to a lighter shade of green.

9- I read my horoscope religiously and I look to my dreams at night for answers to my waking life.

10- My ideal place to live would be somewhere in the North Eastern part of the United States in the Country side. I have it pictures in my head perfectly. And I wonder if it is like it looks in the movies....

31 day challenge!

2011-03-01T17:47:00.002-07:00

Alright Peeps, I saw this on my friends face book and decided to do this on my blog. I have not been so great at updating it on a regular basis so maybe this will help me out. Well, for a month at least :)

For the next 31 days I will follow this "Line Up" ! So check back tomorrow! And if you think it's a great a idea too, feel free to tag along!

Day 01- ten facts about myself
Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest.
Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show
Day 04- A picture of your night.
Day 06- A picture of something you miss.
Day 06 - A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day
Day 07 - A picture of your most treasured item
Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh
Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most
Day 10 - A picture of the person you do the craziest things with
Day 11 - A picture of something you hate
Day 12 - A picture of something you love
Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist
Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without
Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die
Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you
Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently
Day 18 - A picture of your biggest insecurity
Day 19 - A picture and a letter
Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel
Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget
Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at
Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book
Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change
Day 25 - A picture of your day
Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you
Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member
Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of
Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile
Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss
Day 31 - A picture of yourself

Projects Projects Projects!

2011-01-27T16:21:00.010-07:00

I thought I would post some pictures of crafts projects I have done because of the inspiration of others.

The first project I tried were some cork boards that I bought from the D.I. I got the idea from a blog http://vintagerevivals.blogspot.com/2010/09/tin-foil-nightstand.html (If you go there and look around you will not be disappointed! I promise!) ... Anyways, I did a cork board for both Ariah and Rylee. It was my first time doing something like this so I was a little skeptical at first. But I was pleased with the out come!

I like how the cork board turned out to look like an old worn out chalk board. By
that I mean black with white blotchy spots. I used white Krylon Primer as the base coat and then once that dried I went over it with a coat of black krylon. For the push pins I found some colorful buttons and hot clued them on to the end to give the board a little bit of color. I think all together I only spent about $16. And that was only because I didn't have any supplies on hand, other than the puzzle glue and the tin foil.

Forgive me now that you can't see the details very well! It's hard to with the flash of the camera and BRIGHT PINK walls!

My next project was making pillows for the girls! I have never really sewn before and after looking at all the blogs with crafty sewing projects I decided to attempt it! So I borrowed my sisters sewing machine and went to town!

This one is Rylees! She is 10 and LOVES bright colors!

This one is Ariah's who is 5! She decided recently that she no longer loves pink. She now loves Black, Purple, Red, and Green... But hey I tried... I like this one because the flowers were a fun project to make!

My next project also came from the D.I. I bought a couple of picture frames there unsure of what I was going to do with them. But when I got done with the pillows and ran in to a little problem I came up with this next idea!

Cute right? :) Originally with the left over fabric from the pillows I was going to make them letter pillows for their bed. But after I had cut out the "R" pattern and sewed them almost together.. I realized that the letter was too skinny. There was no way I was going to be able to turn it in side out and stuff it... So when I got home, I looked through my craft supplies and got the bright idea to turn it into a dragon fly! :) I love it! (mainly because I love dragonflies) But I also love the contrast that the tinfoil/antiqued back gives it. I took out the glass and spray painted the frame whit to make it pop!

Ariah's took FOR.EV.ERRR!!!! I had stitch that beast! I cut out the wing details and hand stitched them on there! and before I sewed everything together, I added some material in the wings to make them pop out! So just like Rylee's, it is 3 dimensional as well! With that frame I did the tin foil back, but I spray painted it white. I think it turned out awesome and really makes the butterfly pop! The frame was just spray painted black and then I used sand paper to distress it.

The total cost for that project was $2 because I already had all the supplies except for the frames (Which I had gotten at the D.I.)

The last project I have been working on has been a group effort! I saw this idea on a blog a couple months ago and I instantly fell in love. I love love the look of it and the idea is so clever! The bottles that I did are for my friend, but I am going to do many more sets! I like the white bottles, they make the chalk board paint pop! So if you want to see what I am talking about, I am in love! http://ourlifeinaclick.blogspot.com/2010/11/getting-crafty-chalkboard-vases.html

Well everyone, I guess it's time for me to go now. I apologize if the links don't work.. I haven't really figured out how to make it so you can just click on it. If anyone does, I would appreciate some lessons! I hope everyone has a great day!

Making things and making memories!

2011-01-12T10:58:00.007-07:00

So I have been trying to upload some pictures of the crafts I have been doing lately.. but I got a new camera for Christmas (thanks to my lover :) ) and now I can't figure out how to upload them... The programs are different on my computer than they used to be! But I will post them soon!

I have been crafting allot! Reading blogs about crafts and projects has really been inspiring.. I have tried 4 new things! And I love them all! :)

Other than crafting my life has consisted of getting ready to go to Washington to see my best friend! :) Cacey bought me a plane ticket to see her for Christmas and I leave tomorrow afternoon! I can't even wait! I am so stinkin' excited! I miss her so much! We haven't seen each other since September and I have really been missing her! It will be nice to be our silly selves for a weekend! And it will be even better because I will actually get to see some REAL WASHINGTON WEATHER! It's supposed to rain the whole time I am there... And every time I have been there, it has never rained lol.. Kinda weird right?

Anyways, I hope everyone has a wonderful day!

xoxo- Nicki

This is one of my favorite pictures of us. It was taken on her birthday Sept. 4th of O9.. We drove up the Oregon coast on our way to Washington when she was moving there.

Playing cards outside in the "Crispin Cantina" (Her aunts patio)

Her birthday present from me. The dots on the wings represent how old the other was when we met.

The 3 Muskateers!

Best Friends Forever

Weight of the World Lifted by Gratitude

2010-12-21T17:19:00.003-07:00

Attached to a gift certificate was a sticky note that said:

"Nicole, You have such a cheery disposition and bring a great attitude to our team. Keep smiling for us. Thanks for all the good work you do on behalf of me, but mainly for all the office staff. They keep telling me how well you do things for them. I appreciate you. Have a great Christmas."

Thank you to my boss for those kind words. I can not even express how much I needed to hear that today. I have been feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders lately.. And today especially. I have been so on edge all day and that just brought me to tears.. Pathetic right?

So thank you again for those kind words, certificate, but mainly filling me with gratitude. I feel blessed to have such a great adviser and it feels great to know that I truly am appreciated.

Happy Holidays!

5 Things Tuesday!

2010-11-23T14:16:00.004-07:00

This is for a link party!

I have been looking around at all sorts of crafting blogs since that is what I have been interested in lately... And today i saw this! I thought it was a great idea! So please feel free to answer the questions and link up with everyone else.. Or just simply post it on your own blog and see what kind of domino effect you can get going on!

1. Name 5 things you are grateful for!

My parents for all they do for me. That I have a job. Being able to say I have a home. Good friends, and the freedom to represent who I am as I am.

2. What is you favorite dish at Thanksgiving dinner?
My favorite Dish at Thanksgiving would have to be.. Mixing my turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy, and my corn together! Mmmm It makes for the best combo ever! :)

3. Do you have any family traditions for Thanksgiving?
Just gathering with family and eating with all the cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents.

4. Are you staying home or traveling for Thanksgiving?
This year I am going to Las Vegas on Thanksgiving morning with Cacey and some friends. We are going to see Roger Waters from Pink Floyd. So it will definitely be an interesting Holiday with no turkey dinner!

5. What else do you do on Thanksgiving day besides eat?
Watch football, spend time with family, laugh, and get ready for Black Friday! :)

I hope you all have a safe and Happy Holidays! :) xoxo

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My mind has been blown!!!!!!

2010-11-17T11:08:00.004-07:00

Alright everyone.... I know I have been in a slump lately and haven't been fun to listen to.. But recently I was blog surfing and came across a relative of a friends blog who is like this awesome crafter and ever since I went there... I have been OBSESSED with crafting and building, and refinishing things! I went to the D.I. (our states version of Goodwill) and bought some "junk"... and am in the process of turning it into treasures! :) I am proud of myself! Except those that know me best may tell you that I am going crazy. I mean literally all I think about all day long is crafts and projects. I almost have one project done... I will post pictures of the final out come!

I am loving this streak! I hope it is the start to something new and long lasting. I feel like I have had a breath of fresh air blown in my face! :) It's been sort of a life changing experience for me. Or at least for this chapter in my life. It's challenging me to see what I am capable of doing! I can't wait to see the finished product of all of the ideas I have etched in my head.

Have a wonderful Wednesday and try to keep warm! xoxo

Oh and if you would like to visit the blog that lead me to many other blogs and blown my mind here is the link!

http://vintagerevivals.blogspot.com/

2010-11-08T11:22:00.003-07:00

Lately I haven't felt like writing much. I haven't felt like taking many pictures either.. Which is odd for me since usually I document everything.... I feel disconnected from myself lately. I still have the same deep thoughts and feelings.. I just don't want to share them as much.. Or maybe it's more like I don't know how to... Either way it's a strange feeling.

So instead of going into allot of detail of what I have been up to lately.. I decided to just share some pictures with you.

This photo slideshow made with Smilebox

........

2010-10-19T14:59:00.002-06:00

I haven't really felt like blogging lately... Either I have been too busy, or just can't find the words for how I feel. So instead, I read what other people write.

Lately I have felt extremely stressed and super emotional. I don't talk about it because it's kind of just one of those things I have to figure out on my own. My dreams have been crazy though... I think that has something to do with it. I hate how much my dreams can effect my mood and the thoughts that go on in my mind.

Today tho, I don't feel stressed. I just feel sad.

Wildflowers, Meteor Showers, Wilflife.. OH YEAH!

2010-09-01T10:34:00.003-06:00

A couple of weeks ago Cacey and I went on a camping with his dad, his girlfriend Kathy, and some of their friends. We stayed in a camp ground Called Albion Basin that is located in the Wasatch National Forest. It right above the Alta ski resort and around this time each year the wildflowers there are at the peak of their bloom. So during the day there is a pretty heavy flow of hikers. It's absolutely beautiful up there. Cacey and I had gone to the Wildflower Festival there last year around this time for a "wildflower walk". I loved it and had been dying to go back ever since. So when his parents invited us up I couldn't resist!

Everything about the weekend trip was absolutely perfect from the fresh air to the weather. There was a slight breeze during the day, and no wind in the evening. The air was so thin and fresh that you could immediately breath better the moment you stepped out of the truck. But what else would you expect at 9,500 feet elevation right? :) And the weather... *sigh*... The weather was simply wonderful! It was clear sky's day and night! We were even lucky enough to catch the last day of a meteor shower up there! It was beautiful! The meteors and falling stars we did see were bright white streaks across the pitch black canvas of night! It was nice falling asleep looking at the sky while listening to the faint chirps of the crickets around us.

Each morning we woke up to coyotes, pot guts, and all different kinds of birds. There were pot guts everywhere in our camp! Some people might have been appalled by the "rodents". But to me they seemed like "city" pot guts. They weren't afraid of us and they knew exactly how to open up our tub-a-ware bins full of food! We saw wood peckers, finch's and even a camera shy Blue Jay! I was really excited about the Blue Jay because I hadn't seen one since I was about 8-9 yrs old. His feathers were exquisite shades of the sky on a clear day, and the ocean on a starless night. It didn't matter whether he was in the sun or shade, he always shimmered. It was nice to wake up smiling as I watched the animals around me and listened to baby coyotes imitate the howl of their mother. I wish I could start my day off like that every morning.

After a weekend filled with endless laughs and beautiful scenery it was time to pack up and leave. And tho a part of me wanted to stay, there was another part of me that was already thinking about how wonderful it was going to be next year. I would like to think that it will top this years trip. But it's going to be pretty hard since this trip went above and beyond any expectations I had for it before.

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2010-08-23T08:45:00.003-06:00

As of lately my heart constantly feels like it's going to explode. My emotions are on edge... And my eyes don't see things in vivid color and detail. I don't know what it wrong with me. I feel confused. Foggy... Numb. I don't know how to fix this. I don't know how to fix me.....

......................................

2010-08-16T16:03:00.002-06:00

OVER EMOTIONAL.... That is the only way to describe the way that I feel lately. What does it make you when you feel more comfortable helping others sort out their problems rather than tend to your own?

Good question right? I would love some enlightenment.

Lately I feel like I go through extreme highs and lows. I constantly debate with myself about certain things in my life... Big things. Things that I guess I feel in a way I lose something. What do you do when you are faced with a problem like that?

I have been trying to improve on myself as a person. I have been trying to think of the things that make me most happy. And for the most part, I have it all. But I still feel like something is missing. I believe know what it is, but I don't feel ready for it yet. So for now it sits on the back burner in my mind.

Putting that one thing on the back burner breaks my heart and makes my eyes well up with tears... But thinking about what I will possibly be giving up to get it, leaves me anxious, incomplete and sick to my stomach...... How do you decide which feeling is more important to listen to?

And if you go with one decision, how do you know it is the right decision? I guess you never know until you go down that path.... I just wish my cards would reveal if I would ever truly get the best of both worlds.

speak for myself.. Probably not

2010-06-28T11:58:00.004-06:00

I haven't written in a while which I am completely aware of. Life has been crazy the past couple of months and my head has been in the clouds. There is so much going on mentally, but I don't know how to get any of it out. What I feel and what my hands type just haven't been connected lately. There have been times I wanted to get on here and write about something and refrained because I didn't want to sound like a "Debbie Downer" ... And other times, I wanted to write but haven't been able to place the way I feel with the correct words. So instead of writing, I read what others have to say. It makes me feel better. And allot of the time, they say something that I can relate to.. I guess in way it's kind of like a "pick-me-up" .. Not always uplifting, But honest... Which is what I believe I need most right now.....

My life is good. I have a great boyfriend, a wonderful family, and amazing friends... But every year I go through this "phase" if that is what we want to call it.... Will there ever come a time where I don't feel this way?

Something is missing in me. Something is incomplete.

2010-05-19T11:09:00.002-06:00

Hello!!!!!! :) Just thought I would update the blog since it has been a while! Allot has been going on... Mostly just doing stuff around the house! The basement is almost done! Just waiting on cabinets now... So we have been focusing on the outside!

Last week I got an incentive award from work for doing such a great job.. Their words not mine! But I was super excited and I figured instead of buying clothes or something like that.. I would take a little bit of the money and buy some compost for the yard and use the rest of it for bills!

So I decided to put together a little compilation of the yard with all of the changes!

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Things are not complete yet! But I am so happy with the way things are turning out! We had some help from the girls and Tank! :) Yes believe it or not he was helping rip down trees! ... We had a dumpster dropped off a couple weeks ago on a rainy Tuesday! :) It was so much fun piling all the limbs and leaves in there! It was a perfect way to spend a day with Cacey and work together! We make a great team!

We have also been having allot of camp fires. Cacey's brother gave us like a bbq pit.. but we have been using it as a fire pit since we got it.. The girls have loved it! We have roasted smores and hot dogs on it a couple times in the past week!

Other than that not much is new! Just keeping busy at work and keeping busy at home! But lovin every minute of it!

Hope you all have a wonderful day! :)

The reasons for my smiles

2010-05-03T15:57:00.005-06:00

“We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have.”

Over the past year I have been asked on numerous occasions by many people "How am I so positive and happy all the time?" Well the answer is simple.... What is there in my life that I don't have to be happy and positive about? I feel extremely lucky to have what I do... Extremely lucky to look at my life everyday and smile about it... And honestly I DO do that.

I love my life! I love the person that I am inside and for the most part outside too lol.. I have worked hard to gain the emotional stability that I have in my life right now. I have worked hard to understand that there truly is and never WAS anything wrong with me... That I should be myself and not make changes for other people. I learned to love myself completely and that I am capable of being loved unconditionally....

A year ago from now, I was a mess... I was depressed, angry, bitter, sad, and lonely... All because I let someone else's life become more important than my own... And tho I can say it was one of my biggest mistakes of my life... I have to be thankful for that as well. Because going through what I did, and being with Justin, made me realize that I hated everything about the person that I was! It made me realize how weak I was to be with such a (pardon my french) dip shit! Because really that is what he was! It took me months to realize that I was dying inside... And that I needed to let myself let him go! Even after I broke it off with him, it took me months to completely rid him from my life! So that makes me a dip shit! LOL.... But ya know....It is the knowledge that I gained and the people that stuck by me through that time, that I have to smile about!

So in honor of them... Here is a list along with some explanations as to why I love my life so much!

The reasons for my smiles!

1. I have the most amazing families in the world! I feel so blessed to have such a wonderful support system on both my side of the family, and Caceys! I love all of my parents and I feel lucky to have such great role models to look up to!

2. I also have the best siblings in the world! My sister is one of a kind and I love her more than I can ever explain. She has become one of my best friends and someone that I look up to more than anyone! And Cacey's brothers and sister are all so much fun to be around! And they are filled with so much love! They have always made me feel welcome! And I can't help but smile at knowing how close they are to each other!

3. My nephew... Aawwh the kid just makes my heart melt! He truly is the one thing that I love most in life! Just having him around makes me gaga! He is always going to have me wrapped around his finger! He has from his very first breath into this world! Every day I love him more and more!

4. My friends... They are so supportive and so loyal to me! I couldn't ask for any better! I know that they have my best intentions at heart... And really that is all I need! I trust them with all my heart!

5. My heart belongs to the person who I know loves me more than anyone could... I am with someone who treats me like I have always known I should be. I am with my best friend who loves me and respects me for all of who I am, was and will be in the future! Cacey is my better half. Every day since the day he walked into my life, he has helped me be a better person. I love my life with him in it. And I love our life we have made together thus far... I can't wait to start a new chapter and take notes of things as we start a new journey together now that he is FINALLY legally divorced!

6. Cacey's girls... What is not to love about them?! They are so great! And I love having them in my life! I knew them before I knew Cacey, and they were a riot even then! :) I love when they come home for the week! It's so nice to hear their laughter fill the house and get all of those hugs and kisses... And all of the "I Love You's"... Who would have ever thought that at the age of 22 you could love someone else's kids as if they were your own? .... Who would have ever thought that this life I was so afraid of... would be the one thing I would be most afraid of losing?

I have embraced who I am and the choices I have made. I smile every day because I choose to. I am the maker of my life.. And the creator of my own happiness. I have wonderful people in my life that radiate with joy and love. I love those that show me they love me... And I don't let others hold me back.... Settling for less than I deserve or waiting around to see a change is not in my vocabulary anymore.... Life is about what you make it out to be.... So I guess the next time someone asks me "Why I am so happy all the time"... I will just simply say "Because I choose to be"

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2010-04-28T11:02:00.002-06:00

Hello! Wow it's been a while since I have written huh? So I guess now would be a good time to update everyone on what I have been up to!

It's been a busy month.. They say that April showers bring May flowers and I hope that term is correct in the terms of "tons of work, will lead to a beautiful outcome for the rest of the year!" Because that is what I have been up to! Cacey and I have been working on the house every weekend! Mostly doing yard work.... Cacey and my dad have been putting the kitchen in downstairs and I am happy to say that it has finally paid off! Because we just made the last payments on the cabinets so they can be installed this weekend! Yay! The renters will now have their own kitchen! A few things will need to be done after that.. But for the most part, the ball is rolling!

Yard work... (Sigh)... never ends! And tho I love it so much! (Really I do)... I am ready to enjoy the hard work and have it pay off! We have been cutting branches, pulling weeds, fertilizing the lawn, watering the lawn, trimming the raspberries, tilling the gardens, planting pumpkins and onions, planting other flowers that I bought too soon lol... tearing trees down, ripping vines out.. all while keeping it maintained! I have to say, it looks great! Especially compared to what it looked like before! The owners before Cacey planted a bunch of stuff they didn't know how to up keep, or really where to plant.. So we had trees and weeds growing everywhere! And on top of that.. No one lived in the house for a year before Cacey moved in so the yard was horrendous! .... We are getting a "green dumpster" to put all of our hard work in lol. I am talking at least 17 55 gallon bags of leaves, at least a flat bed trailers worth of tree limbs and a few other odds and end things.

I can't wait to have company over for BBQ's when its all done! It already looks so much better! But I can't wait to get the soil in the beds and the flowers planted! :) It makes me excited to think about!

Rylee turned 10 on the 17th so she had 2 parties. A slumber party with her girlfriends, and a outdoor BBQ with grandparents! It was stressful getting ready for it all.. But it was all worth it because she had a great time!

Other than that.. not much has changed! Except...one of my wishes have somewhat come true! ... I will tell you what that is, but first I will give you a little back ground!

I love peacocks, and ducks, and geese, and pretty much any animal! But for some reason I love peacocks so so much! So I told Cacey I wanted some... He told me NEVER!!! Because they are too loud...Which they are. I know this because a guy a couple blocks away has them and we can hear them at night when they talk to each other. :) But it's been funny because I imitate them all the time.. so now the girls do too! LOL.... Anyways... So this one peacock wanders around the neighborhood in the summer time. (I would assume not far from his house)... He used to have a mate, but she got ran over :( Sad I know... And since they only have one mate for life... He is now a lone ranger... Anyways.. I keep getting side tracked... So Cacey told me I will never have a peacock.. So we were driving down the street in our neighborhood and I saw a pair of ducks just waddlin along.... Immediately I looked at Cacey and say "OOOHHHHHHH BABE!!!!! I want ducks!!!! CAN WE GET SOME DUCKS!!! I LOVVVE THEMMMM!!!!!" his reply "Tank would LOVVVE them too!!! Tank would love them as a food baby in his Belly!!!" .... I said "He would love to play with them!" Cacey says "He would love to play with them in his belly!" ... I took this conversation as a no and left it alone.......

BUT!!!!!!!!! .......... On Monday morning I got up, walked out the door to go to work and GUESS WHAT?!!!! THE DUCKS WERE IN MY YARD!!!! YAY!!!!!! I was sooo happy! I took a picture and text Cacey immediately and told him the good news. He didn't get nearly as excited as I did.. Or still do when I talk about it lol.... AND GUESS WHAT ELSE?!!! THEY WERE BACK AGAIN TODAY! WAHOO! I'll take every other day! :) I was so happy, I fed them a hamburger bun! ... Maybe it will keep them coming back for more ;) Cross your fingers... and cross your fingers that one day I will have a set of peacocks! xxxxxxx

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Enjoy the day everyone and remember that life is most beautiful when seen through eyes of love! Spread the love and continue to smile! Times may be hard, and money may be tight, but no matter how poor we may be... We can always be rich in love! <3

Doggy Heaven/Hell

2010-04-08T17:06:00.004-06:00

Hello everyone! I just thought I would take a few minutes and blog for a minute! This past week has been crazy! Cacey's dad turned 61 yesterday! So we went over there for a little get together! It was a lot of fun! Great food and wonderful family! His dad looks amazing for 61! And I am pretty sure he is in better shape than most 30 yr old!

LOL Other than that we have been working on the house.. Trying to get it organized for the girls to come back and visiting with families! We are also dog sitting Tiva while Dallas is in California for the week... Needless to say it has been a week full of sleepless nights and frustrating battles of getting them to listen! Tiva has definitely picked up some bad habits while living with Cacey's other brother! I hold his dogs fully responsible LOL. But she and Tank love each other! And they have so much fun together! We call her "Tanks girlfriend" :) . He will even save his food for her sometimes. Oh and she has decided that his Kennel is hers now. She sleeps in it all the time if the door is open. It is the weirdest thing! I am posting a picture to show you! Sorry so dark.. She kind of blends in with his blankets!

Also, Tank is now the proud owner of his own skateboard! :) The girl that used to own him said that he loved it... And we had just kept forgetting about it. But we went to Walmart the other day and finally got him one! He went nuts when he saw it! he LOVES it! he will literally bite your hand if you take it away from him! He doesn't really go straight on it yet.. but he can do some mean circles! LOL It's so cute!

I didn't have very much camera time left.. That is why it is so short! We love him though! And he becomes more fun every single day! :) Life it good people!

I hope everyone enjoys their weekend! I will! My childhood friend Sara is flying in tomorrow with a friend! It was just planned today as a matter of face! I will pick them up at the airport in the morning! I can't wait to see her! It's been too long!

Adios muchachas!

2010-03-30T13:44:00.006-06:00

New in my world? Well lots actually! Life has been crazy busy for the past little while but I am loving it! Things are still going well with Cacey and me. So well that we have decided that I am going to move in there... Which really is not any different than it is right now, seeing that I have basically lived there since October... But we both feel it's a good idea. Mainly because marriage is such a big step. And I want to make sure that things will work out in the long run before I take that step. Things are allot different when you date someone with kids.... Dating Cacey is a completely new experience. I have never dating anyone like him. And I love him and I love his girls.. but if things were to go sour between us, I wouldn't be walking away from just him. I would walk away from his girls too! And I have faith in our relationship, but then again the only thing that is predictable in life is death itself! So we shall see ! I am really excited about it and so are the girls! Me and Cacey talked to the girls about it to make sure they would be ok with it....Rylee told me that the house is definitely going to be allot prettier now lol.. and Ariah just said.. So you are going to live here? Like full time??? LOL so I guess it's great to have both of their approvals! :)

Other than that we are just working on the house... I have been meaning to post pictures and I wish I would have taken before pictures but I didn't.. I know.. Shocking! But I will have to update with the progress thus far! We got the front yard looking really good! We ripped some trees down that were next to the front door! You would have never known there was a house behind them! lol. They were big ugly pine trees of some sort.. and then we have raked the yard and I have been planting flowers and what not! I love it! It's rewarding to see the hard work that you put into things!

In the back yard there are like a million leaves to rake up.. We have already raked up like 11 of the 55 gallon drum bags FULL of them! it is rediculous! And we still have half a yard left! cacey bought the house 2 years ago and the people there before him never did yard work! So the yard is in pretty bad shape! And last year he really only tackled the "needed" areas that were used allot! Which is completely understandable! It's been a looooong couple of weeks out side, but I am loving it!

Inside, the basement kitchen is almost finished! They are ready to sheet rock so that will be nice once that is done! Everything else is about lined up after that! But things have been going wrong or setting the time back so it's been a struggle there too! Some times it feels like nothing is getting done! But I know it has! And everything will happen and come together in time!

Me and Cacey at the Hockey Game

Ariah and KoKo at Chuck-E-Cheese

Jaxon and Tank playin.. Jaxon loves him! And Tank is really good with him.. Even though he is clumsy sometimes!

So that pretty much catches everyone up to speed! Life is good, love is great, and I am happy! :) I hope all is well with everyone and you have a beautiful day!

bottled up tears

2010-03-25T16:59:00.003-06:00

Today I want to cry.. and I want this feeling to go away... The feeling where your heart feels like it's skipping offbeat and your stomach is trying to escape through your upper abdomen.... I want it to go away and the only way I know how to do that is to cry.. But what do you do when you feel like you can't cry to the one who you need at the moment?

I cry alone... I don't let people see me cry if I can help it... Well about the things that truly upset me and affect me....

I feel alone.... I really wish Chelsea were here because I know that seeing her and talking with her would make me feel a little better. Sometimes I really do feel like she is the only person that gets me entirely... The only person that understands what I am saying without being offended. And sometimes I feel like she is the only one I can express myself to completely. Sometimes I feel like she knows how I am feeling better than I do.

I feel disappointed in the face that I am upset and the reasononing behind it is misunderstood.... and I feel alone... 2 feelings that don't mix well together.....

Tomorrow will be a better day... Lets hope.

2010-03-24T17:09:00.012-06:00

Oh how the Spring fever has filled my veins! aahhhh :) I love it!

Yes people I am ectatic that it is warming up! Spring and Summer make me glow! I love the feeling of the sun on my face! And I love being able to wear shorts and a tank top outside!

So in honor of the weather warming up, I am going to list 10 things that I love about Spring time!

1.Sundresses!

2. Rain

3. Seeing life emerge from the gardens

4. Yard work

5. Birds chirping in the trees before the sun comes up.

6. Flip flops and high heels

7. Spring colors

8. flowers in full bloom

9. Going for walks

10. picnics

A Dane Cookie Moment.

2010-03-10T15:44:00.003-07:00

Usually I don't get bothered by what people say to me on the phone while at work... Most of the time I find it quite amusing when they lash out at me or get upset over things I have no control over... But today for some reason this woman just rubbed me the wrong way.... It reminded me allot of skit where Dane Cook talks about ordering a club sandwich from a restaurant and getting cut off by the waitress in mid sentence.

So I have taken the time to post the link below. Watch if you like, but I do warn you the footage is not great and it does have fowl language...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ndwHeU75zhQ

So here is my "Dane Cook" moment.....

" Good Afternoon Forestry Fire and State Lands, this is Nicole how can I help you?"..... " Yes this is ____ From _________ and I am trying to send you guys a check but I need to make sure I have the correct address..... There is a long pause. So I immediately begin to say "Ok it's ______ West _____ _____ Suite ____ " and get RUDELY INTERRUPTED by her saying "Why don't you just tell me if I DON'T have the right address!!!!" And then she proceeded to repeat the exact same address that I just said to her ...

Like Dane was... I was completely taken back... I was actually quite pissed. I didn't know what to say... I felt like my thought process had been ripped out of my head. I wanted to yell at her. And say "Excuse me BEAST... if you would have quit being such a hag and opened your ears and wouldn't have RUDELY INTERRUPTED ME.....You would have noticed that I stated the EXACT same address as you... BEFORRRRE you even opened your mouth!!!! Open your ears and not your mouth!"

But during these hard times and economic struggle.. I refrained and decided that having my job was more important that getting my ego back.....

Maybe it was just the way she said it.. It was so rude and it made me not like her. LOL .. Now if I ever meet her I am going to judge her base on our first encounter which I hate doing. But ya know, I believe in first impressions and I strongly believe in treating people (especially in a work environment) with total respect. Because that is how I want to be treated... She totally threw that out the door. maybe she had a bad day.. Or maybe she just has bad communications skills... Either way I hope she doesn't talk like that to everyone she is in contact with!

Thanks for letting me vent... Hope you all enjoy your day! :)

My mamma!

2010-03-04T14:33:00.003-07:00

I can't believe how quickly time has flown by... I am almost 22 and my mom will be 48 in 2 days! Can you believe it?! Any ways... in your honor, once again I will be making a list of things that I love about you.... There are 22 because your baby will be 22 this year :)

1. That I get my emotional nature from you.

2. Watching the Hills together :)

3. Latching onto your leg as you'd get ready in the morning.

4. When you would wake up extremely early in the morning to go to work so you could make sure you picked me up from daycare around 2-3... I don't remember what times they were... But I remember sitting next to the fence with the watch on my wrist and knowing what time you should be there by because you showed me. And I know you worried on the days you were late because you knew I was panicking.

5. When Amber and I would get in really bad fights that you couldn't handle and you would leave for a while... But you would always come back with a treat for us.

6. When I broke up with Zack and had a nervous break down in your arms. I felt closer to you after that day.

7. Going to movies with you Jill and all the kids. I always loved those nights.

8. When you ask what we want for dinner when it's only 7:00 in the morning :)

9. How big of an animal lover you are.

10. Watching Lifetime together on Sunday mornings.

11. How much you love dad.

12. That I have green eyes like you.

13. That you were always there for us no matter how mean we were to you.

14. How much you love Jaxon.. It almost spills out of you when he is around.

15. Your laugh when you think something is really funny.

16. Your German Chocolate cake.

17. How good you are to Cacey and his girls. And how fast you got over the age difference because you could see I was truly happy.... It feels nice to have a boyfriend that you guys actually like. And it makes me excited to have them as a part of our family.

18. You let me be myself and love me unconditionally.

19. You always put others first.

20. That you treat the dogs like humans.

21. That the Dr. told you not to have another baby after Amber because there was a good chance something would go wrong but you had me anyways.

22. How important our family is to you.

Mom you truly are the greatest mom there is. And if I were to name off all the reasons why I say that, my list would be endless. You have been one of my biggest support systems in life.. And even in the times that I was angry at the world.. You were there for me. I feel so blessed to have such a positive role model to look up to. You has so many wonderful traits that I hope to take on when I have kids. Because if I could even be half the mom you are, I know my kids will turn out to be great. Anyone that knows you will tell you that you have one of the biggest hearts. I have seen prime examples of that all throughout my life.... Even when our family was struggling, you were always trying to figure out what could be done to help others. The fact that you are always putting others before dad and yourself is just one of the many things I love about you. You are one of the most unselfish people I know. You are constantly making sure Amber and I are happy and ok in life... You are the glue that holds our family together. And I know it doesn't always show but I am so glad you are my mom.. It feels good to have a mother that cares about our families well being as much as you do.

Thank you for always being here for me. Thank you for guiding me though life but allowing me to make my own choices. I know that I have strayed onto my own path and done things that you don't agree with... But I know I am a good person. And I know that best qualities in me are those I have gained from you and dad. I am happy with who I am. And I happy happy knowing that I have the best parents anyone could ask for.

I love you mamma! Happy Birthday!

Love always,
Colie-

Therapy for the soul

2010-03-03T17:25:00.004-07:00

If you know me well you will know that I take more pictures than probably anyone else you know... And I often get made fun of for this.. Because I will admit it... I take ALLOT! But to me, it is therapy for the soul. I take a picture not to put away in a scrap book. But because I want to remember how I felt in that moment... I try to capture the perfection in what I see.... I take multiple pictures of the same thing because you can see beauty in things from angles that you wouldn't notice just by looking at it straight on. I notice details in things that others wouldn't even think twice to look at. And if something "speaks to me" I freeze that moment in time.....

I take pictures of things that I want to remember. Things that most people say "they have seen it, but don't have the proof. Just the photograph in their memory" Or the things that others didn't think to notice ... I capture those moments because I want to be able to tell people my stories and give them examples of how great that moment or the person in it affected my life...Because in all honesty, there is a story behind every photo. There is an emotion that goes with it... Whether it be the laughter that I share with a loved one, a random object or person that I see on the side of the road, or a beautiful landscape or thunderstorm... My pictures are a part of me. They are made up of my emotions, and the moments in my life that make me who I am.

Now maybe I sound crazy.. or like my head is in the clouds. And in all honesty... yeah it is... I am a dreamer. I live in my own world and I think on levels that are much deeper than most people... But it makes me feel good to feel so much emotion. It makes me feel good to have such small details in this world impact my life in such a big way whether it be good or bad. Because my emotions and the way I see things and how they make me feel is what makes me, me.

Now I have a challenge... And no I don't want you to go out and start snapping pictures left and right of everything you see (unless of course you want to :) ). But I do challenge you to be more observant of the world seen through your eyes. Pay attention to the gardens and the colors that are peaking out of it.. Pay attention to the sky and the golds and oranges that are brushed through it as the sun sets... Or study the profile of someone that you are in contact with on a daily basis and see if you can pick something out about them that you never noticed before. Notice how those things affect you, and what they make you feel... We can pass something 100times until one day we notice the tiniest detail that changes our outlook of something from then on.. Or at least change our mindset for the day....There is so much beauty in the world and in the people around us...But we hardly stop to notice.... But I think it's time to "stop and smell the roses"

I believe that by making it a point to pick out the good in things, it makes us better people and eventually it will become a habit... Would that really be such a bad thing?

2010-03-01T14:17:00.011-07:00

I put purple eye shadow on today and it made me happy... So now I have decided that I am going to do a post that is a little different... I have decided to make a list of 10 things that make me smile on a daily basis!

The reasons I smile everyday

1. The smell of coffee

2. Flowers... and the thought of planting them!

3. Laughing

4. Kisses from Cacey

5. Seeing my nephew's picture everyday at work... Or holding him <3

6. chocolate

7. Listening to 97.1 ZHT in the morning.. Their morning show always makes my day start out great!

8. Hannah's Blog

9. Working for somewhere to help save, preserve and replenish forests and land throughout the state.

10. Read my daily horoscopes for my Chinese and zodiac sign.

So now I challenge you to remind yourself of 10 things that make you smile.... And also to do something just a little different than you do on every other day... Whether it be to wear purple eye shadow, change your hair style up, where a funky shirt, buy something small just because it make you smile, or swing on the swing set at the park.. It doesn't matter what it is.. Just do something to make your heart smile. I promise life will seem much sweeter once you do!

I would love to hear your lists.. But if you prefer not to share, I understand.

I hope you all have a wonderful day and enjoy the feeling of the sun on your face!

Love,
Nicki

2010-02-24T14:52:00.004-07:00

Meet Tank :) He is the new addition to my lil' family... A.K.A. Cacey and his girls.. But Ariah told my parents that he pretty much belongs to the 4 of us.. I think it's cute! So yes, I do claim him too!

Tank is 2 yrs old. He belonged to Cacey's cousin who breeds bulldogs. He can't produce babies... He hit his you know what on a cement wall when he was a puppy and has had problems ever since... Anywho... Cacey was going to buy a pup from Mandy when the litter gets here in a couple months... But when she said she needed to get rid of Tank he figured it was a good opportunity.. Tank is house trained and he knows allot of commands. he is a good dog and he is sooo loving! I really enjoy having him around and I can't wait for summer to come so we can play outside with him for longer than 20 minutes at a time :)

Man it's been a busy month... Lots going on! But it's been good for the most part..... Cacey found a renter to move in the basement so the first couple weekends in February were taken up by trying to get the basement in order... cleaning it our and getting things organized to put a kitchen in downstairs....

Dad's birthday was on the 13th and we had a surprise 50th birthday for him at La Cocina with a bunch of family and some of his longtime friends...It was really allot of fun!

Valentines day was low key.. I got to spend it with Cacey and we went to his grandmas house to see her because it was her birthday. And then we just cooked dinner at his house and watched some movies.

Other than housework, family time, and a new dog.. Not much has been going on. I do have a horrible case of spring fever though! Cacey and I got the girls out in the back yard the other day raking leaves and pruning bushes! Gosh it felt good to get out there! I love yard work! I don' care what it is, but it just makes me happy. I told Cacey I can't wait for spring to come so I can plant flowers. I love weeding and planting flowers. It's rewarding to see a beautfiul yard and to know that I took part in it! The girls are even excited to get their hands dirty with me! Hopefully it warms up sooner than later!

I popped my rib out of place the other day so I have been trying to get that kink fixed... The chiropractor told me that I can't work out for a week! It sucks because now that it's not an option... I really really wanna go ! LOL Maybe just some speed walking?! :)

We will have to see what is in store ..... I hope you all have a wonderful week and weekend! Stay warm and keep smiling!!!!!

Bitty!

2010-02-18T11:21:00.004-07:00

Happy Birthday Bitty!!!! I can't believe we are so old?!!!! :) It's crazy to me to think that we have been around each other for so long... And even through our falling outs.. We have managed to make some great memories that I am sure we will still talk about when we are 80! So in honor of you on your birthday I have taken the time to jot down some of the things that I will always remember .. and things that I am truly grateful for! :)

1. It’s a given…The wonderful candy sales where your mom lost money and we gained because we undersold everything! LOL
2. Dusk til Dawn.. I will never forget the year my allergies were out of control and I got that horrible bloody nose and my make up was running like crazy so I looked like I got punched in the face right before we drove into the lot!
3. The time you called Zack after we broke up and told him how big of a piece of crap he was for cheating on me.
4. Building a fort next to the Bluffdale house.
5. Locking me in the basement and telling me that the kid who murdered his step mom and sister next door was going to get me.
6. Making me watch the Changeling… I still hate looking in bathtubs late at night because of you…. Oh and I am still afraid of the dark.
7. Seeing the picture fly off your bedroom wall and hit the closet.. Yes Sheila J your house really IS haunted.
8. Doing cart wheels on the lawn at night in the Taylorsville house.
9. Listening to ICP on the way to a football game.. Your mom was horrified lol.
10. Hanging out with you the summer before I went to high school In some ways I wish I would have decided to go to Grantsville with you, but in other ways I am glad I didn’t.
11. The famous Cabbage patch moment lol… If you would have given me the doll back like I asked.. I wouldn’t have squirted you in the ears! And it would have saved me a beating from my parents!
12. The airport… enough said lol
13. Going to Kid Depo (AKA hell) with you. I don’t know what I would have done if I had to experience that alone. LOL
14. When we got the comb stuck in my bangs right before the Fun Dome… I looked like an idiot when I had to chop them off to get the comb out!
15. Trying Sushi with you for my first time! Cacey and I still owe you!
16. Singing songs to our moms on Mothers Day. Or harmonizing together when we’d sit in the hot tub LOL
17. Trick or Treating with you all those years.. It didn’t matter if it was in Grantsville or Salt Lake; we always had a great time!
18. Having heart to hearts…. We never really did until we were out of high school. But they are still some of the best conversations and I will remember them forever.
19. Going to bond fires in the old cattle yard with all the football players.
20. The day trip to Wendover.
21. Playing in the irrigation water at the Duplex.
22. Getting baby sat at grandma’s making flower arrangement and pushing each other around on the tricycle and in the wheelchair lol. I just talked about that with her the other day and she said she was always so embarrassed that someone would see us and recognize us as her grandchildren.

There are so many great memories Brit! I could make a list for days. But I guess the main point of this list was to show you how blessed I feel to have someone in my life for as long as you have been. We were inseparable when we were little. And though there have been some bad times… There have been so many good. Thank you for always being my protector, and my best buddy. Thank you for always sticking up for me and being on my side no matter what. You have been there for me through the roughest times in life and that is something that I am truly grateful for. I miss seeing you as much as I did when we were little. And when we have kids I hope they can be as close and you and I have been all these years.… We always talked about that…

I hope you have a great day. And I hope you know that no matter how distant we become I will always love you and cherish the memories that we have.

Happy Birthday!

Love always,
Your baby cousy

#1 dad

2010-02-09T15:41:00.005-07:00

On the 13th of this month, my dad turns 50! :) And since I won't be able to make my list on his birthday, I figured I would post it a little early.... So here we go...

50 things about my dad that I love!

1. 1. I love the way my dad laughs at his own jokes. I do the same thing! But it’s different because my dad has a contagious laugh that will make you laugh no matter what.
2. The fact that he loves my nephew more than anything. His eyes light up even if he hears his name.
3. The fact that he never let his arthritis get the best of him when it came to me and my sister… I still remember playing kick ball for a daddy’s daughter date when I was little.. And my dad fell. I instantly started crying because I knew he was in pain. But he just got right back up and assured me that he was ok even though I knew he wasn’t.
4. His work ethic. My dad is one of the hardest workers I know. It doesn’t matter if it is at his job or around the house, he takes pride in what he does and makes sure he does the best that can be done.
5. His willingness to help anyone without anything in return.
6. His personality. My dad is one of the goofiest/funniest people you will ever meet. He can make anyone smile.
7. When rocks out with Sheila to KISS.
8. How he says he is the “baby whisperer” and shows me how he used to put my sister and me to sleep.
9. He is magic.. Or at least I thought he was as a kid because he could drive the truck without the key in the ignition.
10. When we were moving from out West Jordan house and he assured me that it would be ok. I would make new friends, and I could take my bike with me.
11. He is the perfect candidate of a wonderful husband. He does it all.. dishes, laundry, cooks, cleans, yard work, house work…. He always tells my sister and me that we can’t compare other guys to him because most guys are not like him … And it is so true! My mom just lucked out I guess!
12. The smell of his white truck. It smelled like life savers and sheet rock. I love that smell still to this day.
13. How he always has Neccos in his jacket pocket in church so we can eat them in sacrament meeting
14. How mellow he is. It takes him allot to get upset.
15. That he makes every vacation more memorable than most. He takes everything in. And I love that because I feel like I get that from him
16. That we look nothing alike. But I did get his feet
17. He was always willing to help me with all of my big projects throughout school. Even if it meant proofing my papers 11 o’clock at night.
18. When he lost his job and was out of work for a year, he still did side jobs every day of the week so he could provide for our family as much as possible! He made sure we had what we wanted, not just what we needed.
19. And I will always remember cooking dinner with him that year. LOL We ate beef every night.. More casseroles than one can imagine.. But he never complained…. That was one of my most memorable years of my life. That was the first year that I truly felt close to my family.
20. Going to work with him when I was little. I always thought it was so fun to go see his co workers and color with them.
21. Him doing my hair when my mom was in the hospital. And yes he did a good job.
22. When I used to “fake” sick in elementary and he would come and get me.
23. Watching home movies as a family. He lives in the memories and likes to go into depth about what he was filming.
24. Sunday morning breakfast. I have always loved waking up to the smell of his cooking.
25. When he use to make me perro. I don’t know what, but it always tasted better when he would make it for me.
26. That he is a jack of all trades. I honestly don’t think there is anything that he can’t do.
27. When he drove me to my ex boyfriends house at 1 in the morning just to make sure he was safe…No ordinary dad would have done that for a boy they despised!
28. Teaching me to drive a stick shift ! I was horrible and I will be the first to admit it!
29. He has always been proud of my sister and me in everything we have done.
30. How he makes fun of me for watching lifetime!
31. His mush! He really does make the best mush in the world!
32. Even when he doesn’t agree with something that I choose to do, he keeps quiet and still shows support.
33. His love for the church. He has always accepted every calling with open arms.
34. The fact that he lets me learn from my own mistakes but never says I told you so.
35. How much he loves my mom. It’s nice to have parents that are still together and in love after 27 years.
36. Driving back from Arizona with him and Chelsea. J He never complained once. And he even let us play the “honk your horn” game with truckers! LOL He has fun and he knows it!
37. The fact that he likes to hunt but doesn’t anymore because he is married to a “tree hugger” … I think that is cute
38. He lets Chloe ride on the lawn mower with him. But she is going to have a rude awakening when she is replaced by Jaxon!
39. The fact that even when he has a stressful day at work, he never takes it out on the family.
40. How he treats Cacey and his girls. I was so afraid to tell my parents about Cacey because of our age difference. And honestly at first they were not that happy. . But they took things better than I thought they would. And now they actually like him more than anyone else that I have ever dated! And my dad is always joking with Cacey and the girls and giving them a hard time which is nice because he couldn't really do that with my ex's. My family loves having them over to the house. And I love being able to have everyone I love together so often.
41. Dancing with him at my sisters wedding. Even though it wasn’t “my day” he still took the time to make me feel important too.
42. Letting me find myself on my own terms.
43. The fact that he truly doesn’t care what anyone thinks of him. It makes me smile because I think more people need to be like him in that sense.
44. People watching with him. I love to hear the comments he makes. They always make me laugh.
45. He is always honest.
46. Seeing tears in his eyes as we walked through the Draper Temple. That was life changing for me. I gained a stronger testimony that day.
47. How he never rushes to get off the phone with my family. It doesn’t matter what he is doing when we call, he always makes time to talk to us.
48. Being forced to listen to Neil Diamond in the car was always a funny but brutal experience.
49. When he shows Jaxon things around the house and yard. I can’t wait to have kids that he can do that with.
50. He is always trying to point out the good in everything. Even when it's hard to see.

My dad is the most amazing father I could have asked for. He is someone that I admire most in my life. I was always a mommy’s girl when I was little. But as the years pass, I grow to understand and love my dad on a completely different level. He is more than just a parental figure. He is my friend, role model, and one of my heroes. I have always been difficult to deal with in ways. I have always respected my parents in the sense that I never snuck out or anything like that. But I have always had a mind of my own way and did my own thing… But he has always loved me and accepted me as I am. He has always been there when I needed someone to fall back on. Never saying I told you so, but always making sure that I was ok. He has always put our family first and that is something that I love most about him. Even during the hard times, when we didn’t have allot of money and he made sure we had more than necessity's. His strength, knowledge, love, and, understanding are the things that make him such a great father. I truly feel blessed to have a father like him to look up to. Life hasn't always been easy, but I know that I have made it through what I have because of the support system that I have at home.

Thank you for always setting such a great example of what a family is all about. Thank you for always loving me unconditionally and never turning your back on me. I couldn't have asked to be brought in to a family that is filled with so much love. I hope one day to set the same examples to kids of my own.

Love you always,
Nicki (kiddo, punky brewster, and the newest one "dumb" :))

Soulshine and sunshine

2010-01-28T13:58:00.011-07:00

So today is absolutely beautiful! The sun is shining and the air is warmer than is has been in a while! I didn't take any pictures, but I put some one here that make me smile and remind me of the sunshine.

I call this one Soulshine.

Flaming Gorge

I am loving it! This weather is definitely what I needed to lift my mood up. I have been kind of down lately. Not sure why.. I mean I have a pretty great life. I have a wonderful family, a job with great benefits, a car, great friends, and an amazing boyfriend. I think it just might be because I am ready for a change of scene. I am ready to get out of town for a few days. And I really miss Chelsea. Even though we talk all the time, it's hard. And I know that it's part of life. And I am glad that she is up in Washington doing her own thing...I just miss the hugs and the memories we used to make on a daily basis.

Flaming Gorge Weekend trips!

Playing football in Alaska

Exploring Caves in Alaska!

People wonder how we can be so close and be so different.. And Sometimes I wonder myself. But then I remember that we have been there for one another through thick and thin for the past 13 years. And even though we are so different, we know and understand each other better than almost anyone. It seems like every time one of us is down the other is always there to pick up the mess... She is my twin soul :) and I couldn't ask for a better friend.

When she came home last I did realize how different our lifestyles are from one another these days... Me being in a relationship with someone who is older and has kids... I can't hang like I used to LOL. I am somewhat of an old lady these days... And she of course is still Chester... Still wild and crazy.. Hard on the exterior and a big ball of emotion on the inside :) ... But the fact that she never changes is one thing that I love most about her. She is a great friend and will always have a special place in my life.

I know that she will probably never read this.. But I want her to know that I couldn't picture my life with out her in it. She is a big part of who I am today. And I am so glad that I have a friend who can laugh with and at me and who will cry with me. Her leaving was one of the toughest things I have had to go through... But since she left.. I have realized now more than ever how grateful I am to have the one and only Chester as my best friend. There is not a day that goes by that I don't laugh because of something that reminds me of her. There really is no way to describe her other than... She is Chester lol. She has a sailors mouth, a punch that can make a grown man cry (I have seen it happen), a strut for any pair of heels, and the biggest heart ever. I hope she never changes. Because I love her just the way she is :)

lump in my throat

2010-01-27T16:26:00.000-07:00

It’s one of those days where the feeling of un-appreciation causes you to get that lump in your throat that you feel will never go away. Where things working out against you cause your eyes to well up with tears… It’s one of those days for me when I feel like hiding out… Shutting myself off from the world so that I can think things through and just take time to truly be angry… I hate being angry. But I also can’t be happy all the time either... I know that is selfish and stupid… But sometimes I just can’t help but feel this way.

How do you turn things in your favor when you wish for them to be different? How do you get others to treat you the way you treat them? And if they don’t ever catch on to it.... Do you stop treating them that way? Do you treat them they way you feel they treat you? I mean why put others first in your life if they never take the time to notice… Or take the time to make you first in theirs right?

Shed some light

2010-01-20T17:43:00.003-07:00

“To be persuasive we must be believable; to be believable we must be credible; credible we must be truthful.”

I saw that quote today and it kind of goes with what has been going on in my life..... Lately I have been so frustrated over lies that have been said about me and others. Usually I wouldn't care, but they were said by someone whom I have considered a friend for most of my life..... I know, it clashes when you say it in your head. But I have grown up around her... And always known her to be that way.i have always known her to tell stories about her life to make it seem more extravagant... And have always just said "Well that is just how she is.. And I know the truth." But recently some things were said about me and others that I have taken to heart. Things that hurt me...Things that aren't true in the first place.. But also things that she had no right to say about me. Things that were far worse than anything I have or had going on in my life at any point....I am not perfect and I make mistakes. But I will be the first to admit it when I am in the wrong. And I try to treat everyone the way that I expect to be treated.... Even to those that talk badly about my life and the choices I make... When they should really be focusing on themselves and bettering their life.

Now I am not one to play the blame game or the "top that" game... I don't go around saying "Well you did this and I never have so that makes me a better person".... But I also don't tell lies about other people...Especially those I consider friends. But I feel that you can not rightfully judge someone unless you have walked in your shoes... So there fore she has no right to judge my life, or of those I care about most.... And I guess in a way, I don't have the right to judge her either. But how do you not become angry with someone like that? How do you let go of what they say about you, with out wanting to understand why they said it??? And more importantly when do you start to trust them? How do you let them back in to your life and trust that your best intentions are part of theirs? ....... Enlighten me...

2010-01-11T17:19:00.002-07:00

I thought that I would post a picture of the latest work of art .... I was inspired by Cacey's brother for this one. He has been going through some really rough times lately and he is trying to get back on top of things. So this picture represents the just that. He being the ship pushing through the see of troubles. It was an experiment, and in my opinion it turned out quite nice. He seemed to like it so I can't be happier about that.

I have really been trying to draw and paint more. It seems to help me allot. It's kind of like my own dose of therapy... Or an escape from the real world. I would love to draw as much as I used to... Hopefully I will keep that mind set and keep with it.

I hope you all have a wonderful day and try to bring your escape into your lives a little more these days!

non existent to the world

2010-01-06T17:32:00.005-07:00

He sits there quietly bothering no one. He lowers his eyes and courteously offers the sidewalk to those that rush past him to the entrance of the gas station. He is silent to the world. And to most of the world, he doesn't exist.

I know nothing about this man. I don't know what his name is or why he chose that gas station wall to perch on everyday. I don't know if he is a drug abuser, or drinks too much. I don't know why he is homeless, if he had a wife and kids, or how many siblings he has. I don't know if he was ever in jail, or if he ever went to war. I can't tell you if he lost everything in the hardships of economic failure. Or if he just simply chooses to live on the streets. I can only tell you of what I perceive. I can tell you that his hair is sandy blond underneath all of the dirt and grease that blankets it. I can tell you that the smell of his close is almost enough to make you vomit. Which tells me that they haven't been washed properly in months, if not longer. I can tell you that from a distance he looks black, but his skin is milky white underneath the layers of dirt and grime. He is a short man, standing not much taller than me. And in the Fall and Winter, he wears a coat that is much too big for his malnourished frame. But it is his, and he feels lucky to have it. He has more teeth actually missing, than he has left in his mouth. And I can tell by looking at him that his mind is always running. His light colored eyes dance across the parking lot as the world rushes by him day after day.

As I watch him study the world I can't help but wonder what goes through his mind. I wonder if he hears bits and pieces of our conversations and thinks about how selfish we are to complain about things we have in our everyday life. Things like not being able to sleep because our spouse was snoring, when he doesn't even have a home or bed to call his own. How hungry we are because our dinner from the night before was too dry to eat, when he had to pick his food from a trash can just so he could fill his belly. Things like needing a new wardrobe because we have been wearing this one for the past 3 yrs, while he has been wearing the same thing unwashed everyday for longer than we can even imagine. And I wonder if his heart saddens when we talk about the good things in our life such as promotions, fun filled weekends with families, vacations, and buying new things for our homes. I wonder if he pictures our lives as his and wishes that maybe things were different for him........

My heart saddens when I think of him because I wish he too could have the things that I do. Things like a family and good friends to warm his heart everyday. A bed and a place to call his own. A job to pay for things like a car, clothes, food, or a date night to dinner and the movies. I wish he had enough money that on most days he could have the option to buy lunch, or a drink from the gas station..... But out of all of the things I wish for him... I wish that I could help him. Sure, I can buy him a cup of coffee, or a sandwich from the gas station. But I wish I could do more than that. Because from what I know and have seen of him, he is a good man. He has never asked for anything from anyone. But if he gets anything at all, he is truly grateful. He doesn't expect, nor want anyone to feel sorry for him. And that to me is the type of person that deserves to be blessed with the things that we are.

I hope that this weekend as you spend time with the ones you love, you will think about how blessed you are to have the things you do in your life. And how blessed you are to not know the feeling of scrounging for food, or wondering where you are going to sleep that night. I hope that you can smile to yourself and thank God for what you have. And pray for those that are less fortunate. I know that if I were in their shoes, I would want someone to pray for me. And I hope you would too.

Mountains

2010-01-05T11:55:00.007-07:00

I know this entry is going to be long. But it is something that I feel is good for me to write about. So if you choose to stop reading half way through, I won't be offended.

As some of you know, I am an astrology junkie. I read my Zodiac (Pisces), "love" (Pisces), and Chinese (Dragon) horoscope every day. I read both the Chinese and the Pisces horoscope because some days the way I am feeling is more accurate with one than the other.... Lately it has been leaning more more in the favor of the Chinese readings though.... So with that being said I have decided to share my 2010 horoscope with all of you.

"The Dragon"

"Okay, pause for a moment and check your pulse. Still there? Good. That means you survived the last couple of years with both Saturn and Pluto in less-than-perfect places for you. And by 'less than perfect,' I mean 'lousy.' Good news! Both of astrology's heavyweights have moved on to more constructive places for you. Now is the time to take that famous Pisces sensitivity (still intact from the challenges of the last while) and put it to work making your life a happier and more comfortable place.

You'll be receiving a lot more attention from others in 2010: loved ones, family and co-workers will all be drawn to you at times like moths to a flame. And as a result of the last couple of years worth of hassle, you'll be a stronger person with better judgment, and much better able to handle the influx. Enjoy your new position at the center of your own social circle!

One more noteworthy change from the previous year: Jupiter will be in your sign for most of the year, giving you a newfound sense of optimism and happiness about things no matter how they turn out. You'll be feeling expansive, but be careful not to expand too much -- this transit also comes with a more than usual chance of weight gain. There will be a renewed emphasis on health, fitness and personal well-being in the spring -- take advantage of that. Then again, maybe you just deserve the break. What's a pound or to compared to real happiness?"

I can't even tell you all how excited I am to kick off this new year! I was ready to leave 2009 behind me clear back in April! It was such a roller coaster ride. And at times it felt like would never be in my favor! But after meeting Cacey and working on bettering myself... Things started to look up!

At this point in my life, I am content. Sure things could be better in certain areas. But then again, "life ain't always peachy" :) . I think that if everything were perfect all the time, life would be boring. We need something to keep us on our toes. After all, going through hardships is when we learn the most about ourselves and others. It's hard to remember the things that matter most to us when we are brought down by others, Especially during a time we consider "a period of change". And it is hard not to judge other's for what they go through. Or to be angry with those that judge us. But the truth (and something that I often forget) is that by judging others, we are no better than those that judge us.

In the scriptures it is taught to "Be the light of Christ" ... To be like Him. Christ judged no one. And tho he was judged, beaten, and crucified by those that misjudged him... He still prayed for them and felt compassion for them.

I hope to be like Him in that way. To open up my heart and forgive those that judge me simply because of what they have heard, or don't care to understand. I hope to pray for their well being and still wish the best for them. Even if they don't wish the same for me. But most importantly I hope to forgive myself for judging others and feeling sorry for myself at certain times in my life. I hope to focus on the good in people, even though it is so much easier to point out the bad. And not to forget what others have done to hurt me, but to forgive them for it. I hope that in doing these things, I can set an example for others. That they too can forgive themselves and others for the pain and anger they feel. Because it truly is such a wonderful feeling to have that weight of guilt and anger lifted from your shoulders.

I am not perfect. Far from it actually. I make mistakes like everyone else. And tho I don't go to church often, I know that I am a good person. I know that I have a good heart and I feel I have a great relationship with Heavenly Father. I know that no matter what, there will always be someone that is going to judge me for the way I am. But this year more than ever before, I am going to focus on myself and try not to worry about the opinion's that others have of me. Because I know the truth. I know the real me. Really, my opinion of myself is the only one that matters. But in order for me to be ultimately happy, I have to forgive others, and most of all forgive myself for everything and everyone I have let take a piece of me. I need to remember that yesterday will never go away. My past will always be apart of me. And it will always be a large portion of the what has made me who who I am today.

To me, life's struggles are like steep mountains. At the lowest point, it seems impossible to reach the top. You feel hopeless and overwhelmed. You are scared to even try to reach it. But with the encouragement of others, and self motivation, you start the climb. And there are times that you become tired, you want to turn back, and times your will fall. But, there is always someone there to pick you up. You will feel aches and pains that you never knew existed. And at certain points you will need to stop and rest. There will be obstacles that will stand in your way. And at times you will lose sight of what you are trying to reach. But once you reach the top, you can look at the trail behind you and feel proud. Because tho it wasn't easy, you conquered the climb. And when you see everything in front of you, you smile and take a deep breath of fresh air. Because it is in that moment, you are at peace with yourself... You feel as if you can conquer anything.

I hope that this year you conquer your "mountains" . I hope you do it with an honest heart and an open mind. I hope you try not to judge others. I hope you wish the best for your enemies and think twice before picking them apart. Because you never know what mountain they are climbing. Or what mountains they have climbed in the past.

I wish you all the best of luck this year as you try to reach your goals you have set. Have a wonderful 2010!

Happy New Year!

Hannah

2010-01-04T12:20:00.003-07:00

Recently I have been thinking allot about the other's and the effect we have on them..... A few weeks ago I came across a blog that is written by a woman in New York. And I have been pulled into her posts ever since then. She has an different way of writing. But she is also allot different than anyone I know or have ever met. However there is something beautiful about the way she writes. She paints pictures for her readers. She makes an ordinary day of hers sound like something you would hear a narrator in a movie describe. She is gifted. And seeing her posts makes me want to become a better writer. I would like to be able to talk about more than just my weekend or my day. I want to be able to paint a scene for someone with my words and take them into another world, even if it is for only a second.

I think there should be more people like her in the world. Daring, and brave enough to let others in on your inner most feelings without the fear of being judged.

Some of her posts are racy, and vulgar in a sense. But she is honest. And I like that.

Teva

2009-12-29T11:38:00.003-07:00

Ok Ok... So I plan on telling about my week of Christmas festivities. But Cacey has my camera and I would be bothered with not being able to share the photos from the many events that took place. SO I am going to hold off on that....

This week has been a good one for me. I have been staying at Cacey's house tending his brothers dog while he and Dallas go back to California to pack up Dallas's things. He is going to move here for a while until he gets things in order. I am excited! I met his brother for the first time the day before Christmas and he is a great guy! We get along really well and his dog is the new love of my life! :) She is a Pit bull and she is the biggest sweet heart! We have been cuddle buddies for the past couple of days. She just follows me around the house while I do laundry and clean up... Then she looks up at me like "will you please just stop and come and lay with me on the couch" or at least that is how I interpret it... So I do just that!

I used to think that Pit bulls were mean... But now more than ever I am a believer that it is the owner that makes them that way. Because she wouldn't hurt a fly!

Cacey and Dallas should be back late tonight! Which I am excited for because even though they left Sunday, I do miss him like crazy... How pathetic is that LOL... Oh well... What can I say... Just love struck and lucky to have him! <3

I am sure that even after they come back I will still get to play with Teva. I told Cacey he has officially been replaced by her lol... It's so not true, but pretty dang close!

Well time to get off now. So until the next posting I hope you all have a wonderful day!

Love, Nicki

2009-12-15T14:56:00.004-07:00

So this past weekend was a blast! Cacey had his girls so I spent the majority of it with them... It was kind of like a marathon for me lol... Got a little Christmas shopping done on Friday morning then I got to spend the afternoon with my favorite person in the world :) My nephew!

Saturday I went to a baby shower for a girl at my work! had allot of fun there... Then off I went back to West Jordan to hang with Cacey and the girls. We went over to his dad's house because the girls got went to a birthday party there. Then we went to Walmart to get stuff to make Gingerbread cookies... I have been obsessed with the idea pretty much all month long. And have been determined to make them with the girls. But we ran out of time, since it was getting late and the girls were tired from playing all day... So we postponed it til the next time he has them.

Sunday started pretty early. We had a brunch at Cacey's brothers house. I thought there were going to be allot more people there. But it turned out to just be Mikes kids, Cacey's parents and the girls. It was allot of fun. Mike had a friend in town so we were all over there to meet him. We ate the most amazing breakfast casserole! Cacey's mom and I both insisted we got the recipe so we could make it again... Or at least attempt to! :)

That afternoon we went on a wild goose chase all around Jordan Landing to find some Artichoke dip. That is what he was told by his dad's fiance to bring to the Hall Christmas party later that night... I was told not to let him forget... And I did... Oops! We did find some though! Thank you Sams Club!!!! :) So while Cacey and his dad shopped around there gathering all of their items up, Rylee and I went around and ate our "lunch" from all the sample tables... Don't worry.. We weren't stingy. We always took Ariah one back!

The Hall family Christmas party was a blast! He has a really wonderful family! They were all so nice to me. I had to give Cacey a little crap because though because some people didn't really know how to ask who I was... One of his uncles says across the room "Cacey who is this that is next to you?" "This is my girlfriend Nicki" With a surprised and humiliated face he replies "Oh...oh ok... Well uh.. it's nice to meet you!" I just smiled politely and chuckled and replied "you too" ....... But then I couldn't help myself and I leaned over to Cacey and quietly said "If I was not your girlfriend who would I be.. The nanny?!" Cacey thought it was quite funny... Almost as much as I did.....

The girls had a blast too! There were lots of cousins for them to play with! AND his aunt Pam found some guy on KSL to come and play Santa and bring them all a little gift... And the LOVED IT! I mean what kid doesn't love presents!

Make a Smilebox slideshow

All in all the Christmas party along with the weekend was a hit for me! I really enjoyed it all! I love his family and meeting new family members! It's kind of funny because even those that are not from the Hall side tell me I fit the "Hall" family because I have long blond hair and a pretty smile! And all the aunts and uncles at the party were telling me to have Cacey keep me... All I could think of was "Well I hope he does." .... What else do you say to that at the spur of the moment LOL.....

I hope you all have a great week and enjoy the holiday season! It has been a great one for me! And it is already filled with so many memories!

Until next time, keep warm! :)

Cacey <3

2009-12-08T08:22:00.006-07:00

Today is Cacey's birthday! :) It's crazy to think that we are still going strong... Who would have thought that things would actually work out between us. I remember how scared I was to even think of the possibility when we were first talking. I didn't think that my family would ever be ok with it since he is so much older and has 2 kids. But, it turns out that they love him as much as I do. And I couldn't be happier! :)

So in honor of his birthday I am going to list 36 things about him that I love.

1. The dimples on his cheeks that show even when he isn't trying :)
2. The fact he has had a job in almost every single trade!
3. I love that he is close to his family and talks to his parents and sees them on a regular basis. Family is important to me so I feel blessed to finally share that with someone else.
4. The fact that he loves my best friend almost as much as I do. He doesn't make me choose between him and my friends.
5. How he can tell if something is bothering me.
6. And that he actually takes the time to figure out what it is that is bothering me... Even if it takes all day or night.
7. He gets my hints when I want him to tickle my back :) and he does it with a smile on his face and never complains.
8. He is calm. Therefore we even each other out because I have a high case of anxiety all the time.
9. he is an amazing father. He would do anything for his girls. They literally melt his heart.
10. He can fix a car! I used to worry about that! But now that I am with someone who actually knows what the engine of a car looks like.... It's such a relief!
11. I love this one... I think it's crazy/great that he bought his first truck at 16 from my dad! I don't know of anyone that has a story like that... We go back further than this year! :)
12. Or that his parents still live in the house they bought when he bought my dad's truck... Which just happens to be at the end of our old West Jordan neighborhood.... I still smile every time I pass our old house.
13. He is honest. His life has always been an open book for me and my family. He is not afraid to tell people about his life.
14. We have a trusting relationship. We don't question each other because we have no need to.
15. He loves to cook and is good at it! When we first started dating he made me Portobello Mushrooms, a juicy steak, and a salad.... My mouth still waters at that thought! It was sooo good!
16. Even though he hates my hip hop he will still listen to it... for a while at least!
17. He let me put up all the Christmas decorations that I wanted even though he is a scrooge :)
18. He lets me turn his kitchen into an art studio to do projects with Ariah and Rylee :)
19. I love laying on the couch in comfys while we watch a movie, with his arm around my shoulder.
20. He has become one of the best things in my life.
21. He encourages me to be a better person. And motivates me to achieve goals.
22. He makes me think about my life in a different way.
23. He is completely selfless. He is concerned about the happiness of everyone he loves most in his life.
24. He is someone that I can confide in whole heartedly.
25. I love the fact that we can talk for hours on end about nothing at all.
26. He has amazing eye lashes! :)
27. He is the best friend I could ask to be in love with!
28. He brings out the best in me.
29. He loves me unconditionally.
30. He has been there for me when I needed someone most.
31. He gave me all the time in the world to open up completely to him.
32. How well he takes "old age" jokes when I crack them :)
33. The way his face lights up when his daughters do or say something that touches him.
34. He makes me laugh and smile on a daily basis.
35. When he kisses me on my forehead, I can feel how much he loves me.
36. He has helped me realize that you don't need someone in your life to be
complete. But that it makes things sweeter when it is shared with someone else.

I know that some of those things sound like they are really nothing at all. But to me, it's the simple things about our relationship that I love most. I have told him before that I am not sure if I can say that I have never loved anyone as much as I do him... Because love comes and goes. And in the beginning stages we say that every time. " I have never loved someone this much." But what I do know is that I have finally found someone that loves me the way that I have always wanted. I have now found the love that I have been looking for. He makes me happy and has from day one. I love every minute that I spend with him and his girls. They have all grown to be one of the most amazing things to come into my life. I remember how scared I was to tell other's about him at first. But in the end what it boils down to is that he makes me happy. I don't think anyone could want anything less for someone that they care about.

I am so thankful to have him as a part of my life. I couldn't have asked for anyone better to start a new chapter with. He brings out the best in me and drives me to be a better person! He is completely selfless and has so much love to give to others! I hope one day I will be able to express to him exactly how much he means to me.

Happy Birthday Cacey! Thank you for just being you and allowing me to share a life with you! I love you and I hope you have a great day today! <3 Muah!

Make a Smilebox slideshow

Tis the Season!

2009-12-03T16:30:00.003-07:00

Oh my how time flies! I can't believe that it's already December! It seems like just a month ago it was Summer... But I am so glad that it is the Holiday Season! I love this time of year! I am in the best mood! I love everything about Christmas (other than the tight wallet :) )

Thanksgiving was so great! I got to spend it with Cacey! We went to 3 different houses.We were hoping for 4. But didn't make it to his dad's unfortunately until a couple days later. I did however get to meet his Grandma Hall along with one aunt and uncle and their kids! They were all so welcoming to me. And I felt completely comfortable with them. I hope I get the chance to see them again soon! We also visited Deb/"momma #2" and the family from her side... That is what I call her. :) She is his dad's ex wife but she has been around for so long that Cacey and his girls are still really close to her. I think it's great! She has such a great heart and the girls and Cacey think the world of her! The last stop of the evening was my house! I was so glad that he got to be with some of my family on Thanksgiving with me. That is something that my past boyfriend would never do. So I am so grateful that I have a boyfriend who understands how important it is to me that he interacts with my family. It really meant allot to have him there!

On Black Friday I did a little shopping and got about half of my list done! I saved a little money so I was happy about that!!!! Saturday Cacey's girls came back from their mom's house. So me being the Christmas decoration freak that I am pretty much forced Cacey to put up his Christmas tree so we could decorate it! :) He was a trooper that he is (and after 3 hours of rearranging living room furniture) set it up! We didn't actually decorate it until Sunday because his brother turned 40 and was having a birthday.. So we went up there that night! It was fun though! And the girls were OK with waiting until Sunday to decorate! The tree turned out to be really pretty! :) It makes me smile to see it lit up! And even tho Cacey is a scrooge I know he enjoys it too....

Other than that not much has been going on! I have started doing some art projects and have really been enjoying it! I forgot how great of an escape art was for me. I hope I stick with it and really get some things going again!

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend! :) I know that I will!

xoxo

Halloween weekend!

2009-11-02T12:02:00.006-07:00

Well happy November everyone! :) Just thought I would take a few minutes to post some pictures of the weekend! I got to tend my nephew on Friday so I decided to go over and visit my grandparents. And I am really glad i did. They really had a great time! And they really enjoyed seeing their great grand baby.... Grandpa told Jaxon stories and grandma got him giggling like I couldn't believe.. I think I will start taking him over there more often. I know how much I enjoy him.. So maybe it would be a good thing to share that with others :)

On Halloween Cacey and I went to a party with a friend from work. We had a great time. And it was nice to be with other couples. I hope we get to hang out with them again sometime soon!

Make a Smilebox slideshow

And the last great event that I captured on camera was Jax in the tub! He loves the tub and is always so cute when he gets his baths. So I got the camera out this time! I can't believe how much he has grown! I love that little guy so much! :)

Well everyone... I hope you all have a wonderful week! I know that I will! I love this time of year!

Bye now!
xoxo- Nicki

Road to recovery

2009-10-14T15:54:00.005-06:00

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning. But anyone can start today and make a new ending."

As of lately that has become my new favorite saying. I have really been trying to find that woman who is deep down inside and do the things that make me happy. Yes... I HAVE been selfish. And yes.. I HAVE been putting my feelings first for a while now. But you know what? I really feel good about it. Because in doing so, I have found a sense of wholeness that I never knew was there.

A good friend of mine, and someone that I admire most in my life told me once that "You can never be truly happy with someone, if you yourself aren't happy first." And ever since he said that, it has stuck with me. I know that I am not perfect. I know I make mistakes on a daily basis. But I am becoming the best me that I can. I am proud of myself for finally being able to be selfish enough to put myself first. Because if I hadn't been... I wouldn't be in this state of mind. I wouldn't have "x'd" out the negative people in my life. And I wouldn't have been able to push forward.

I have started talking to a counselor. And tho I have only seen her once, I already feel a sense of relief. I can't wait to go back. It's nice to have an outsiders look on things.... Someone who can not judge your past or the people in it. But the thing I look forward to most, is learning the tools that make it easier to make wiser decision... To be happier in my mind, and heart. Vincent Van Gogh said that " As we advance in life it becomes more and more difficult, but in fighting the difficulties the inmost strength of the heart is developed." ... I can't even begin to tell you how true this statement is for me. I honestly have felt a sense of peace in my heart. I do still struggle at times. But I have noticed that if I am positive in my thinking, and remember all the things I have to be grateful for I am much happier throughout the day.

I have started to feel confident in myself and the choices that I am making. I know that allot of people wouldn't understand some things about my life at the moment. But I don't expect them to. Nor do I care if they do. Because I know the people who care most about me will look past certain things, and see that I am in a good place in my life. I am surrounding myself with people who I feel bring out the best in me.... People who for the first time, have made me feel like I can be myself and be accepted. People who genuinely care about me. So if you are going to comment on the decisions I am making right now... Please keep your comments to yourself. I don't have the desire to listen to you tell me about the mistakes you think I am making. I am on the road to recovery... And I find myself smiling everyday. And that is all I can truly ask for.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend! Get out and enjoy the beautiful weather while it lasts!

Bye for now
xoxo- Nicki

Happy Birthday Ambi Bambi!

2009-10-07T17:03:00.008-06:00

I can't believe my big sister is already 25! Holy cow! It seems like just yesterday we were fighting over who had to "do the blue bathroom and who got to do the green bathroom" :) ... We have had our rough patches and been to the point of almost hating eachothers guts! But... through it all I still have to say I was blessed with the most amazing sister anyone could ask for. So in honor of her... I will list off 22 things that I find most memorable about her... 21 reasons because I am 21. And one extra because she bore the most amazing person in my life :)

Drumb roll please!!!!!............

22. I will never forget the time you made dad's voice go 3 octives higher and jab the vaaccuum into the corner of your bedroom because of the spiders on steroids that were right by him. LOL I can still picture it. He was so brave and we still didn't think we were safe on your bed.

21. The Christmas you gave me Bath Time Fun Kelly... and I walked in on you wrapping it so you gave it to me then. You always do give the best presents :)

20. The time that we were fighting and I wanted to run away. So I packed up a little bag and grabbed the 2 white puppies and cried my way out the door. And you told me to wait, because mom would get mad if the puppies were gone. Then you took them away from me. And I just cried by the stop sign because I had no where to go.

19. Playing night games with the entire neighborhood... Until you were too cool to play.

18. Going to your clogging practices. I wanted to be just like you. That is why I signed up.. Then I figured out it was not my cup of tea.

17. Jumping on the tramp in the duplex at night the night I got the flu. I remember got really sick almost instantly. And you could tell so you walked me inside and took care of me until I went to bed.

16. The time we played cops and robbers and you I picked up the shoe and you ran past me and knocked the shoe in my face smearing poo all over my face. I still gag everytime I smell that fresh dog poo smell. Ugh.... But it was totally worth it, because I still laugh at the whole senario in my head when I picture puking in the toilet while mom puked in the tub. LOL

15. Making the club house with you, Kris, and Chels.

14. Hanging out with you on Valentine's Day when I was 15. It was fun to see you on that different level.

13. You teaching me how to drive a stick shift. You laughed at me every time I killed it in traffic because I would panic.

12. I will never forget when I was 15 and going through a really rough time. And you told me how you felt the first time you held me in the hospital.

11. Every time you would walk down the hall and burp really loud. And mom would say " You are never going to find a boyfriend if you keep doing that! "

10. The time you yelled at that girl when I was in 3rd grade because she invited everyone to her birthday but me.

09. Or the time you yelled at Megan at the bus stop because Will was mean to me.

08. Going to girls camp with you. I liked to be around you. You were always making sure I was ok. And that I was having fun.

07. The time you took me to the dunes with you when you were first hanging out with Dustin. I felt privilaged that I had finally earned that right!

06. Doing chores together as punishment. lol... oh man...

05. Going to the gym with you every night when I was in middle school.

04. This past year when I called you crying because I had no where else to go. And you stayed up with me and talked to me until I was ok. Even though you were pregnant and had to work in the morning.

03. When I found out you were pregnant with Jaxon.

02. The first time I felt him kick.

01. And my favorite memory by far would have to be staying at the hospital with you the night Jaxon was born. That was the day that my perspective on life changed. And the night that you brought the most wonderful person in my life into the world.

Amber, I want you to know that I really do love you so much. I will never be able to tell you how much of an impact you have had on my life. You have always been here for me. And I am so blessed to have a sister who loves me so much. I know we have had our rough times. But I also know that I feel closer to you more and more every day.

Thank you for always protecting me from bullies, or DB boyfriends. Thank you for not judging me and understanding that I am different. And thank you for accepting me for being that person. Thank you for giving me advice... and your opinion... Even when I didn't want to hear it :) Thank you for always making me feel welcome in your home. Thank you for not only being a great sister.. But one of the best friends I could ask for. And last but certainly not least... Thank you for bringing Jaxon into this world! I love him so much! And he is so lucky to have such a great mommy!

I hope you have a great day sis! And I hope you always know that having you in my life means the world to me! I love you!

Love, your baby sister

2009-10-06T16:25:00.002-06:00

Ok so I don't even remember the last time I wrote on here... So I guess it is now time to.... My life the past couple of weeks has been one hell of a roller coaster ride! LOL... With my best friend moving out of state... My job, and juggling my personal life I actually had a mental break down. It was crazy... I have not experienced that in a while! But I am back on my feet and moving forward in my life!

With Chelsea being gone it has been good for me to really stand on my own 2 feet. I have been having to deal with my problems head on instead of letting them untangle themselves. She was always there for me to have that "escape"... But right now with my life being this way.... I am learning things about myself that I didn't know were there.

2009 for me has definitely been the toughest year of my life. I always thouhgt that I could never feel the way I did when I broke up with my high school boyfriend... But this year has definitely shown me a whole new light on sadness and heart ache.... Facing those that have hurt me most and taking back control of my life has been something that I struggle with on a daily basis.

See, I have always been the person that puts other's feeling and needs first. Letting them become more important than my own. But I have learned over this past year that I can not be happy or enrich the live's of other's until I find myself. So I have had to start being selfish... I have had to start to ask myself questions in a different perspective.... I have always been able to see things from all different perspectives. And I think that is part of my problem. It is hard for me to seperate what I KNOW is real from what is not good for me... Because I get so caught up in how the other person sees things. And why they think the way they do. And that is how I get so mixed up and end up back at square one on this trip to self discovery! But I have had allot of great talks with some really admirable people and hopefully now I will be able to grasp the tools I need to stay strong and weed out the negative people in my life!

With all the muck that I have been splashed with in my life this past year... I have also been blessed with so much! Cheslea and I have become closer than we were when she lived here! I have gotten closer to a few friends and I couldn't be happier with that situation! I have been spending more time with my family which I have thoroughly enjoyed! And I get to spend Friday's with my nephew. And that is something that I look forward to more than anything! I really do love him so much that at times it overwhelms me... How can someone so young and innocent have so much impact on my life?! That is something that I don't know the answer to. But it is also something that I am so happy for. I have had so much fun watching him progress the past couple months! :) He amazes me every time I see him!

For me... this is my life.. I have made it what it is. And I am learning from every problem that I am faced with! I may not smile at all of the decisions that I make. Or welcome the consequences with open arms. But I will continue to find the happiness through all of the hard times. And fight the hard times head on.

Until next time.. I hope you all have a wonderful day! :)

Take me as I am!!!!

2009-08-27T11:30:00.002-06:00

Over the past week I have learned a very important lesson.... "Never make someoene a priority in your life that does not make you one in their's." And as sad and as hard as it is to put that into action, I am going to have to do just that. Recently I got into an argument with a friend and at first I couldn't help but feel like I was doing something wrong. I mean, I obviously hurt this person.. And that made me feel like a bad friend. But how can I correct a problem that someone has with me if I never knew it existed in the first place?! Seriously... I am a little pissed about it to be honest. I don't think I am a bad friend. And if I knew that I was hurting someone... I sure wouldn't continue to do just that! I don't know... I have thought about it over and over til I was sick to the stomach. But the fact of the matter is that I can't change the past. All I can do is say I am sorry and whether they choose to accept it is up to them.

While talking to someone close to me I was told that I can be nobody but myself. And that is when it hit me... This whole transitional period that I have been going through has been about self acceptance. And that is what I should worry about. Because if someone can not accept me for who I am and be honest with me and tell me if they have a problem with me... Then I shouldn't worry about it. Right?????

I have always worried about upsetting others. But I think it's time to put my own feelings first and stick to what I feel is right. Take no bullshit! Excuse my language.. But it is the truth.

And if someone cannot take me as I am then I guess they were not meant to be in my life forever! Because those that really care about you will love you no matter what.

"Be who you are, and say how you feel. Because those that matter don't mind. And those that mind don't matter"

I hope you all have a wonderful day! XOXO!!!! Enjoy the last week of summer!!! :)

Girls trip!

2009-08-11T15:26:00.004-06:00

Greetings everyone! I just thought I would fill everyone in on my weekend of fun! Last weekend I went on a girls trip with 3 of my friends down to Palisades near Manti and had a blast! I had not been there since I was little so it was fun to go back and remember things that happened when I was little.... Or just little memories about certain areas. We rented a paddle boat one day and paddled our little hearts out around the reservoir! That was really fun! We found this tree on the right side of the lake near the dam and my friends thought it would be a good idea to jump of into the water... yeah it would have been if the water were about 5 feet deeper! Instead they found out the hard way that the water was really shallow lol.... Kendra hit her knee on the bottom and Chels scraped her butt on the ground... Ouch is what I say.. but I am glad it wasn't me! ;)

We also got the opportunity to stay in the new cabins there! And they were really nice! Really comfortable for all 4 of us.. but it could have easily slept 8 with the trundles under the bunk beds and the full mattress as the bottom bunk.

But the best part about the whole thing was driving around the golf course. Kendra and Camron work downstairs in my building for State Parks. They make the reservations for all the state parks in Utah... So we got to take a tour of the park while we were there to kind of give them a little more knowledge of what there is to do at Palisades! So the camp host took us around to all the different camp sites and showed us some trails.... And then... He let us follow him around the entire golf course in our own carts! It was so much fun!!!!

I was so glad I went on that trip! We had so much fun and made so many great memories! I can't wait til the next trip!!!!

And if anyone is wondering... I love Palisades and I will definitely be going back!

Make a Smilebox slideshow

??????

2009-08-06T14:36:00.003-06:00

Today I have been thinking allot about the obstacles that I have had to deal with over the past couple of months. And I have to say... It's really starting to tire me. It's tough trying to figure out if what you are doing with your life is the right path for you... Or if what you want and what you think is rightfor you at this time could be the same thing? If that makes any sense????

Lately I feel like I am at a war with myself. trying to decide if my own personal beliefs and desires are because of the influences of others... Or because of what I truly feel and believe. I am such a neutral person as it is... That it's hard to decide whether or not I do things or feel a certain because of my choice or others.

Over the past couple of months I have had some really amazing people come into my life. all who have great advice. And they all make me think about things in a different way.... They help me see myself differently. It's been nice looking at myself through another perspective. I have really been noticing different things about my self lately. But it also causes me to feel like I am being pulled in about 10 different directions. And trying to figure out what one is best for me is something that I wish just had figured out.

I have always felt like I was different than everyone else. I think differently than most. And the majority of the time I like that. But then again, its frustrating feeling like you have no one who is going through or understands what you are going through. Because even though people say they do... I don't think they have a clue.

So I guess my question would be.... How do you decide what makes you happy... And how do you get other's to see that that is true happiness. How do you get other's to see past their own judgement and realize that you are who you are and accept you as you are? The answer??? You don't... Because no matter what they will have their own opinions and judge you if they feel like it. But how do you not let the feelings of others influence the decision that you make?????

Flaming Gorge weekend

2009-08-05T14:08:00.002-06:00

Ok... SO I have been slacking hard core on updating my blog... Sorry! But anyways... It's been a crazy couple of weeks! Super super busy!!! A couple weeks back I had the chance to go to Flaming Gorge with some friends and we had a blast! I really do love it there! I think it really is my most favorite place ever! I don't know why but I feel so calm when I walk on the dock there! And the sunrises and sunsets there are like no other! I hope to go again before the boating season ends! So I put together a little slide show of some pictures of why I love it there so much!

Make a Smilebox slideshow

I have also got to see Jaxon a couple times! And I can not believe how fast he is growing! He is so big now! But he gets cuter and cuter everytime I see him! I can't wait to see him again! He is starting to smile alot! And he has even smiled for me a couple times! :) I love it!

This coming weekend I am going to Palisades with some girlfriends of mine and I can't wait! Its going to be a blast! We always have fun together and its been a long time since we have been together! SO lets cross our fingers that those cloudy days don't turn into stormy days! :)

Beautiful scenery, great company, and a lifetime of memories!!

2009-07-21T14:28:00.012-06:00

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

Alright everyone.. Time to write about the fun yet blistering hot weekend! This past weekend was great! I got to do so many fun things! And even though it was scorching hot... I survived and am proud to say that my skin is only some what crispy....

So on Friday my sister asked me to go with her and help out with Jax while she got her haid done... Just in case he started fussing while she was processing. Because if he did.. She would not have been able to hold him because of the chemicals... Any ways... So we all know by now that I am pretty much head over heels for Jaxon so of course I said yes. And he was so good! He slept almost the whole time! But I got to hold him for so long! :) And I got to take some way cute pictures!

Later that night I night I hung out with some old friends that I had not seen in a while. We had so much fun! And even though there was only a few of us, we had some great laughs! I can't wait to see them again this weekend!

Saturday was perfect!!! I went for an amazing little hike up at Alta Ski Resort and took some great pictures of wildflowers. We couldn't have asked for better weather! It had to only be like 80 degrees. And the sun was shining and the air was sooo fresh and clean! It was so relaxing to get away from the city and breath in the fresh air and take in the beautiful scenery with wonderful company! If felt nice to get out and feel the sun on my skin and not sweat to death!

And on Sunday my grandma threw a party for my Grandpa because he turned 80 the day before! Can you believe that?!! I hope I live to see as many things as he has. I know he will be around for a long time, but he has already lived such a great life, filled with so many memories and historical events! And he still looks just as handsome as ever!!!!

The party could not have been better! A bunch of their friends were there and the best part was.... I got to spend time with my whole family which was fantastic!!! It is really rare when we can all get together since part of the family lives in AZ. But when they are able to visit we have so much fun together! And I love the fact that as we get older, our bonds grow so much stronger!

I could not be happier with how great my weekend was! I feel so blessed to have made so many beautiful memories with everyone that is most important to me! I hope everyone has a wonderful rest of the week filled with great memeories! I hope you all get out to breath some fresh air and take the time to notice some of the little things that make this world we live in the beautiful place that it is! I know that I will be doing just that!

Jax in White! :)

2009-07-13T17:34:00.003-06:00

So the weekend for me was great...Eventful and busy but great! The main thing that I was looking forward to though was the blessing of my nephew! It was exciting for me! And it was pretty crazy to. As soon as Dusty start the prayer, my eyes just started watering like crazy. It was not tears of sadness or tears of hope for him to be a certain way when he gets older. It was more of just all of my love for him just kind of poured out! And the thing that struck me the most was.... As soon as the prayer ended... so did my tears. It was almost like a faucet... Explain that one to me.

He is such an amazing little guy and I love him so much! I know he will grow up to do so many great things! I can already tell just by how he is now! His personality already shines through like you wouldn't believe! He is so strong and stubborn. But he is also so sweet and loving to everyone. And he is just so attentive to everyone and anything. When you hold him he just locks eyes with you. Its almost like he is studying you! I love it!!!! I think he definitely has a little of both of his parents in him!

So in honor of the blessing yesterday... Here are a few of my favorites that I took! I love the Buddha belly one's and the one with his little hands by his tux. But my all time favorite one is the close up with the bink in his mouth!

I love you Jax! And I can't wait to be there for you as you go through life! I can't wait to cover you in kisses and pass on some of my traits to you! You will be my little art student whether Dustin and Amber want you to or not!

I can't wait to see how bit you have gotten the next time I see you! Love you!

Enjoy the beatiful day everyone!

CORNBREAD PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!

2009-07-09T14:00:00.003-06:00

Ok... So today I have been craving cornbread! And I don't even know how i got on that kick. All the sudden it popped in my head and my mouth began to water... So immediately I began looking on the Internet for anywhere that sounded like they had cornbread. I thought of Diamond Lil's because they are right next to my building...Went there and NOPE they don't have it.... So then I was told to go to KFC... Well they don't have it either anymore!!! What the heck right?!!! So if anyone has any suggestions on where I can get some delicious cornbread... Let me know!

Aside from that.... I got to see my nephew last night!!! Wahoo!!! And he is so dang cute that I can barely stand it! he doesn't seem to like me as much as he used to. But I wasn't able to see him for 2 weeks from being sick and then going on vacation. So i guess I understand a little bit. But we are going to get him back to the way it used to be! ..... Oh and he is getting blessed this Sunday and I can not wait! He is going to look so cute! I saw his outfit last night and it is adorable! But I am a little curious to see how he reacts when they put the shoes on him. He hated them yesterday so it could be interesting. One of those "bust out the ear plug" days :) Either way he will look so cute and it will be a special moment for me!

I had to post a picture of him in this outfit that I bought for him! It was taken a few weeks ago and I stole it off my sisters blog... But i had to have a picture of it. Because when i saw it and saw that it said "Beep Beep" it made me laugh. So yeah there is a picture of my most handsome nephew Jaxon in the pimp beep beep outfit that I got him!

Enjoy the day! Its so nice outside!

2009-07-08T10:37:00.002-06:00

I came across a quote today that I really liked. So I have decided to share it with you.

Listen to the Exhortation of the Dawn!
Look to this Day!
For it is Life, the very Life of Life.
In its brief course lie all the
Verities and Realities of your Existence.
The Bliss of Growth,
The Glory of Action,
The Splendor of Beauty;
For Yesterday is but a Dream,
And To-morrow is only a Vision;
But To-day well lived makes
Every Yesterday a Dream of Happiness,
And every Tomorrow a Vision of Hope.
Look well therefore to this Day!
Such is the Salutation of the Dawn!

- Kalidasa -

Reflect on the yesterdays and envision tomorrow as you would like it to go.... but no matter what greet everyday with a smile..... We make our own lives. So why not make it just a little bit sweeter. A world seen through eyes of optimism can make even the worst of days seem better.

Have a beautiful day!

The rain on my parade!

2009-07-07T13:42:00.004-06:00

Ok Peeps... I am a little bummed that I just got back from lunch and actually got a tan on my legs in the process! Today is soooo perfect! Too perfect to be cooped up in an office! A guy walked passed me as I was sitting in the back of my jeep with my pant legs rolled up and the hatch lifted and said "It's not the beach but it'll do".... and I just thought.... "Aawww I wanna be at the beach right now!" ....Damn you stranger! Way to rain on my parade of the day! I was not even thinking about any of that until he sad that! ........But instead I replied "yeah its going to have to do!" It's ridiculous! Too bad I already used up a butt load of leave last week... Other wise I would be takin some time off today just to catch some rays and take a nap in the sunshine with the breeze blowin by.... Sounds amazing doesn't it?

Have a wonderful day! Enjoy the rays while you can!

From sunrises to sunsets and all the memories in between!

2009-07-06T17:17:00.003-06:00

Seattle was the perfect antidote for letting some stress out. I needed it so bad! It felt so good to get away to a stress free environment and see the beauty that Washington has to offer! I love it there! I kept telling everyone that I felt like Thumblina! Because everywhere you look you are surrounded by trees. Its breath taking!

This trip was filled with so many great memories that I will remember for the rest of my life! I will never forget having the opportunity to go to Pikes Market, the Space Needle, The coast and feeling the sand in between my toes and I collected sand dollars. Nor will I be able to replace the late night heart to hearts with the last of the bunch from that night. Or the laughs and smiles that were gained! I feel so blessed to have had the chance to be with such wonderful people for so long! And I can not wait to go back and visit the next time! I hope you all enjoy the pictures! There were so many to choose from! And there is a story behind every single one!
So here are some pictures of the trip... There will be more to come!

Have a beautiful day! And remember that your smile could make some one's day!

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

2009-07-06T17:06:00.001-06:00

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

2009-07-06T16:55:00.000-06:00

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

2009-07-06T16:47:00.001-06:00

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

2009-07-06T16:38:00.001-06:00

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

2009-07-06T15:51:00.004-06:00

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

~Jaxie Pic's~

2009-06-16T17:18:00.005-06:00

Gosh... I feel like such a slacker! I have barely written on here in the past couple months... but with a busy schedule comes hardly any time to do the things I was used to doing... Meaning I am slacking in a few areas... I am attempting to get a good workout at the gym tonight! I am hitting it right after work! I have not really been since I started the new job! It's been so crazy lately... but I really am trying to get back into the swing of things...And the gym is a big part of that.... Plus, I have decided to fun a 10k race at the end of August! ... yeah I know.. I am crazy.... But a friend of mine asked me to do it with her and I thought I mine as well! Besides I know it will be good motivation to kick into gear....

Aside from the craziness ........ I had the chance to see my sweet lil' nephew a couple times over the weekend! And he is so much fun! Even though he just lays there I love to just watch him! He is so cute! And I am actually pretty good with him! I can make him stop crying and I am becoming more in tune with what his cries and little facial expressions are... Maybe I will be a little prepared down the road a few years when I decided to be a mommy!

I finally have some pictures of him so I decided to post a few of my favorites so far!

The one above is a little blurry but he just looks so dang handsome!

And this one below is my new screen saver at work! :) Is it not the cutest damn thing you have ever seen?! I LOVE it!!!!!

I cant wait to see him again! We are going to be buds forever! :)

Life is crazy for me... But I feel like things are finally getting back on track from the past couple of hellish months. Aside from switching jobs, paying for alot of unexpected bills, and working on my personal life..... things are going great now!

But ............I am ready for a break! I can't wait to go to Seattle in a few weeks! I can't wait to relax and see the coast and shop for weird jewelry! So I guess now I just have to wait for 10 more days and then HEEELLLLLOOOO vacation!!!!!!!!

Have a wonderful night everyone! And hopefully we can all keep smiling through all the rain!

JAXON!!!!!!!!

2009-06-04T18:05:00.003-06:00

Oh wow .... It sure has been a busy week! That explains why I have not blogged on here in so long! With starting a new job, and my friends wedding, and my new nephew on the way.... it has been super stressful!

My new job is so awesome! I love being busy all the time! It sure does make the time fly. but I do miss everyone from my old office! It's not the same when I have to talk to them through email's or instant messengers... But it have to will do!

One of my best friends is getting married tomorrow! Gosh so crazy to think about... Since I have known her for almost 11 yrs now! But anyways, I am in her line and we had the rehearsal yesterday and I didn't know if I was going to be able to make it since my sister was supposed to have her baby. But it all worked out and I made it there and they actually postponed the birth for today.....

So now I sit patiently in the waiting room of the hospital! And as I sit here I think about how much my life is about to change! Even though its not my son... I am going to be a part of his life for the rest of mine! I can't wait to hold him and hear him cry. I can't wait to sing him songs and teach him hand shakes and how to color. I can't wait to kiss him and let him know how much I love him... How much I have loved him from the start of his adventure rollin' around in my sisters tummy :)

I can't stop smiling! Every time I think about it I just get the biggest butterflies. Because for the past couple of months, even with feeling him kick it hasn't really hit me... But now its like "Ok this baby is coming out, and he is coming out now!" And I sure hope he loves me as much as I love him!

One thing is for sure.. this baby is already loved by so many people! I can't even believe how much my parents care about him! And how excited they are to have him come into their lives! And my grandparents!... First great grand baby for one set. And the first baby boy grand baby for the other! And Amber and Dusty... I know they are going to be amazing parents! Both of them just glow every time they even hear the name Jaxon! It's cute to see the anxiety run across their face's and the flicker of excitement in their eyes. And Ambie... She just has been such a happy pregnant woman! She really does love having him inside her belly! It's cute to see her sitting there pushing on her belly as she tries to get him to kick for me :) ....So thanks sis! I love you so much and I can't wait to have Jaxon in my life! I can't wait to see him smile for the first time... Or to hold him for the first time! And I can't wait to watch him grow up! Or to have our kids grow up together! I know you are going to be a wonderful mom! And I know he will love you as much as you love him!